 I recently finished reading Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life by Laura Markham, and I thought it was great. It built on Siblings Without Rivalry and incorporated many ideas from RIE (such as from No Bad Kids). The biggest new ideas I learned from this book were about coaching instead of controlling (I liked many of the sample scenarios and scripts in the book), the importance of daily roughhousing and 1:1 special time, self-regulated turn-taking, and family property rules. My main notes and takeaways are below. Intro
When you have one child, you’re a parent. When you have two, you’re a referee. Regulate own emotions as parent Stay connected to the child Coach instead of control Prioritize relationships with kids Part 1 peaceful parenting 101 1 how you can be a peaceful parent Regulate own emotions even in face of big kid emotions Child will do same toward sibling by following parent example Prioritize staying connected to child Coach instead of control Retrain yourself to calm Count to 5 breaths when mad Emotion coaching We can always work things out 2 how peaceful discipline supports sibling relationship Punishment not right solution and siblings will repeat on each other Coaching with loving guidance Empathy key Give wish in fantasy Daily special time 1:1. Preventive maintenance. Use routines Empathize Daily roughhousing Daily special time 1:1 with each child completely unstructured. Let kid direct the action. Special solo trip. When child acting out: time in Reconnect with child Go to special place Helping kids with big emotions: scheduled meltdowns At home when can give 1:1 attention When child being difficult, they need your help I see how upset you are and how hard this is for you Crying good to release Help him feel safe enough to cry Two kids hurt at once Hold both in arms separately Talk to the one you aren’t helping while helping the other Keep other child busy with activity (busy or sensory box) while tend to first child Don’t try to teach or blame 3 what causes sibling rivalry and how to make it better Temperament Birth order Older child can help younger one regulate More challenging if the challenging child is the older one Both parents need to maintain deep positive nurturing relationship with the first and more challenging child Child age spacing Closer in age is more difficult and more fighting but can grow closer later Gender affects competition Space further apart Minimize comparisons between kids Stress each child’s individuality Part 2 teaching peace 4 coaching kids to communicate problems and solve them Coaching emotional intelligence skills Talk about feelings Ask questions about feelings and needs Explain and model Practice finding win win solutions Model I statements Describe what you feel, what you see, desired action Model pro-social behavior Your new role: interpreter Interface to kids and help them understand each other Zach said stop. That means he doesn’t want x. Do you hear baby crying? I think she wants x Use empathy Stay calm Coaching kids to identify and communicate needs I see x is doing y. Can you tell x in words how you feel about y? I hear you saying no. Can you tell x what you don’t want? X, I see you’re upset. Can you tell y in words why you’re upset instead of calling y names? Help kids identify and describe emotions without attacking other child Empathize with each child and repeat what you hear so they feel heard Teach them what to say Coaching kids to set limits with each other Describe, empathize, teach how to set limits First need to calm both kids so they can listen Don’t take sides Restore safety Tell them the situation is not an emergency State family rules Model calm Encourage kids to state the problem and then come up with possible solutions and pick one Write down all solutions Solving problems versus blaming Basic negotiation skills to teach kids Taking turns Sweeten the deal Dividing the treat Making rules Writing agreements 5 when problem solving fails: teaching conflict resolution Resist solving problems for them 1:1 time with each kid Restate family rules about civility Playfully divert bickering Laughter cuts tension Divert kids animosity to go against parent instead of each other Divert attention to you instead of the object they are fighting about Grab spoon they’re fighting about and say “it’s mine!” And run away saying even with them together they won’t get it back from you “What about me? I never get a turn” and fake tears and plop down on them and start mock wrestling session “Pick on someone your own size”: get kid to try to push you over - hey I bet you can’t push me over “Would you two please fight?” When only very mild bickering. Offer to be referee. Empowering kids to stand up to teasing Evoke family rule Ask how kid feels and encourage them to describe their feelings Empathize and offer support Mean words Help her with feelings instead of bad words You can be mad at someone and love them I have more than enough love for both of you Offer to punch bag or yell or say mean things privately or to parent but not to each other Intervening in sibling fight Get between Keep both safe using hands Comfort wounded privately Teach self calming Take 3 deep breaths together Give each child chance to speak and explain Restate family rules Resist taking side Coach each child to say what feels and wants Tell your brother what you want and how you feel Coach each child to restate what they heard the other said Raise the possibility of repair Should you punish for aggression Counterproductive Aggressor sending a signal they need help First calm yourself down and tell yourself it’s not an emergency Time in Breed safety Your sister looks so upset and hurt You must feel so bad to do something like that Stay compassionate You can be as mad as you want. I will always still love you. It’s ok to be angry but it’s never ok to kick. What else could you do when you’re mad? When younger one is the aggressor Say ouch it hurts stop hitting Teach the toddler better interaction to get attention Put arm around both. I see two upset kids here. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to help you earlier. Now can you tell me what made you upset? And have each tell you in turn Use your words and tell your brother you’re mad. Can you practice that now and say you’re mad? Interventions that can help Food Nap Roughhousing session 1:1 time daily special time with each Stopping repeated aggression Keep separated until they can play without fighting Code word to get parent to help Ask What do you think other child was feeling and what they could’ve done differently Helping kids make repairs instead of forced apologies after fights Focus on helping kids communicate rather than ritual of apology Wait until the anger subsided Once child no longer angry, work with him to repair Give ideas on what he can do and let him choose 6 why kids fight over possessions Create family rule about property rights Rethinking sharing Take turns and turn length decided by child who owns the toy. Self regulated turn taking Experience must be chosen by the child Gives feeling of generosity Teaches other kid the method of waiting and parent can comfort the waiting one Coaching kids as they wait for their turn Teach impulse control, asking for what wants, delayed gratification Sometimes a kid wants a long turn Can make sign that says the other kid gets a long turn the next day Sample family agreement in book 7 easing the competition Focus on what child wants and their need and not the comparison Shower child with love Put things in writing even before they can read Fill each child’s cup Never compare Don’t label or put kid in role Birthday kid gives presents to siblings. Siblings help decorate. Be thoughtful about praise Winner has to clean up the game Cooperative games instead of competitive Discourage gloating Let kid win when playing against parent 8 tools to prevent rivalry Expect kids to value each other Celebrate family culture and traditions Teach values Family routines that foster closeness Morning snuggles for 5 min Family kindness journal Acknowledge daily good things they do for each other Let siblings nurture each other when hurt Joint errands Take photos of them together and individually At dinner share highs and lows of day Practice gratitude Say good night to each other or have older read to younger Sibling annual celebration or brother birthday which is halfway between both End of school year slumber party Rules to create closeness Have kids write themselves Hang up Family motto Share activities they both enjoy Don’t interrupt happy play Start special time between kids Find ways to unite kids in common mission Put kids in charge of project together Assign tasks to sibling team Shake up who teams with who Connect before you correct Roughhousing games for siblings Pillow fights Wrestling Power games Role reversal Follow the leader, Simon says Love games Appreciations all around before dinner What looking forward to next week Group hug Part 3 preparing for a baby 9 Before the baby arrives What to say When to tell kid Have kid start talking to and doing things for baby Take kid to doctor Have both parents do all routines with older kid so either can do it Emphasize older child’s uniqueness Activity boxes for older kid 10 birth to first few months Introducing child to baby Let someone else carry the baby so both parents can hug the older kid Gift exchange between both kids Limit visitors first week Include older when caring for baby Take photo of older child holding baby Keep older kid schedule normal Tell older kid it’s their job to keep the house quiet so can have special time with parent longer Use games to get kids laughing when jealous 11 building positive foundation as baby gets older Help older kid protect things from baby Don’t require older kid to watch younger Show older kid as teacher Help older kid do self regulated turns and sharing Don’t take sides Don’t divide time evenly but based on needs Build time with each child in day Don’t multitask when 1:1 with kid Watch when kid tired or hungry References Peaceful parent, happy kids It’s ok not to share A-ha parenting
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