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Readings and musings

Notes on Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings by Laura Markham

12/19/2022

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I recently finished reading Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life by Laura Markham, and I thought it was great. It built on Siblings Without Rivalry and incorporated many ideas from RIE (such as from No Bad Kids). The biggest new ideas I learned from this book were about coaching instead of controlling (I liked many of the sample scenarios and scripts in the book), the importance of daily roughhousing and 1:1 special time, self-regulated turn-taking, and family property rules.

My main notes and takeaways are below.

​Intro
When you have one child, you’re a parent. When you have two, you’re a referee. 
Regulate own emotions as parent
Stay connected to the child
Coach instead of control
Prioritize relationships with kids

Part 1 peaceful parenting 101

1 how you can be a peaceful parent 
Regulate own emotions even in face of big kid emotions
Child will do same toward sibling by following parent example 
Prioritize staying connected to child
Coach instead of control
Retrain yourself to calm
Count to 5 breaths when mad
Emotion coaching
We can always work things out

2 how peaceful discipline supports sibling relationship 
Punishment not right solution and siblings will repeat on each other
Coaching with loving guidance 
Empathy key
Give wish in fantasy 
Daily special time 1:1. Preventive maintenance. 
Use routines
Empathize
Daily roughhousing
Daily special time 1:1 with each child completely unstructured. Let kid direct the action. Special solo trip. 
When child acting out: time in
Reconnect with child
Go to special place
Helping kids with big emotions: scheduled meltdowns
At home when can give 1:1 attention
When child being difficult, they need your help
I see how upset you are and how hard this is for you
Crying good to release
Help him feel safe enough to cry
Two kids hurt at once
Hold both in arms separately
Talk to the one you aren’t helping while helping the other
Keep other child busy with activity (busy or sensory box) while tend to first child
Don’t try to teach or blame

3 what causes sibling rivalry and how to make it better
Temperament
Birth order
Older child can help younger one regulate
More challenging if the challenging child is the older one
Both parents need to maintain deep positive nurturing relationship with the first and more challenging child
Child age spacing
Closer in age is more difficult and more fighting but can grow closer later
Gender affects competition
Space further apart
Minimize comparisons between kids
Stress each child’s individuality

Part 2 teaching peace

4 coaching kids to communicate problems and solve them
Coaching emotional intelligence skills
Talk about feelings 
Ask questions about feelings and needs
Explain and model
Practice finding win win solutions
Model I statements
Describe what you feel, what you see, desired action
Model pro-social behavior
Your new role: interpreter
Interface to kids and help them understand each other
Zach said stop. That means he doesn’t want x. 
Do you hear baby crying? I think she wants x
Use empathy
Stay calm
Coaching kids to identify and communicate needs
I see x is doing y. Can you tell x in words how you feel about y?
I hear you saying no. Can you tell x what you don’t want?
X, I see you’re upset. Can you tell y in words why you’re upset instead of calling y names?
Help kids identify and describe emotions without attacking other child
Empathize with each child and repeat what you hear so they feel heard
Teach them what to say
Coaching kids to set limits with each other
Describe, empathize, teach how to set limits
First need to calm both kids so they can listen
Don’t take sides
Restore safety
Tell them the situation is not an emergency 
State family rules
Model calm
Encourage kids to state the problem and then come up with possible solutions and pick one
Write down all solutions
Solving problems versus blaming
Basic negotiation skills to teach kids
Taking turns
Sweeten the deal
Dividing the treat
Making rules
Writing agreements

5 when problem solving fails: teaching conflict resolution
Resist solving problems for them
1:1 time with each kid
Restate family rules about civility
Playfully divert bickering
Laughter cuts tension
Divert kids animosity to go against parent instead of each other
Divert attention to you instead of the object they are fighting about
Grab spoon they’re fighting about and say “it’s mine!” And run away saying even with them together they won’t get it back from you 
“What about me? I never get a turn” and fake tears and plop down on them and start mock wrestling session 
“Pick on someone your own size”: get kid to try to push you over - hey I bet you can’t push me over
“Would you two please fight?” When only very mild bickering. Offer to be referee. 
Empowering kids to stand up to teasing
Evoke family rule
Ask how kid feels and encourage them to describe their feelings
Empathize and offer support
Mean words
Help her with feelings instead of bad words
You can be mad at someone and love them
I have more than enough love for both of you
Offer to punch bag or yell or say mean things privately or to parent but not to each other
Intervening in sibling fight
Get between
Keep both safe using hands
Comfort wounded privately
Teach self calming
Take 3 deep breaths together
Give each child chance to speak and explain
Restate family rules
Resist taking side
Coach each child to say what feels and wants
Tell your brother what you want and how you feel
Coach each child to restate what they heard the other said
Raise the possibility of repair
Should you punish for aggression
Counterproductive
Aggressor sending a signal they need help
First calm yourself down and tell yourself it’s not an emergency
Time in
Breed safety
Your sister looks so upset and hurt
You must feel so bad to do something like that
Stay compassionate
You can be as mad as you want. I will always still love you. 
It’s ok to be angry but it’s never ok to kick. What else could you do when you’re mad?
When younger one is the aggressor
Say ouch it hurts stop hitting
Teach the toddler better interaction to get attention 
Put arm around both. I see two upset kids here. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to help you earlier. Now can you tell me what made you upset? And have each tell you in turn
Use your words and tell your brother you’re mad. Can you practice that now and say you’re mad?
Interventions that can help
Food
Nap
Roughhousing session
1:1 time daily special time with each
Stopping repeated aggression 
Keep separated until they can play without fighting
Code word to get parent to help
Ask What do you think other child was feeling and what they could’ve done differently
Helping kids make repairs instead of forced apologies after fights
Focus on helping kids communicate rather than ritual of apology
Wait until the anger subsided
Once child no longer angry, work with him to repair
Give ideas on what he can do and let him choose

6 why kids fight over possessions 
Create family rule about property rights
Rethinking sharing
Take turns and turn length decided by child who owns the toy. Self regulated turn taking
Experience must be chosen by the child
Gives feeling of generosity
Teaches other kid the method of waiting and parent can comfort the waiting one
Coaching kids as they wait for their turn
Teach impulse control, asking for what wants, delayed gratification
Sometimes a kid wants a long turn
Can make sign that says the other kid gets a long turn the next day
Sample family agreement in book

7 easing the competition
Focus on what child wants and their need and not the comparison
Shower child with love
Put things in writing even before they can read
Fill each child’s cup
Never compare
Don’t label or put kid in role
Birthday kid gives presents to siblings. Siblings help decorate. 
Be thoughtful about praise 
Winner has to clean up the game
Cooperative games instead of competitive
Discourage gloating 
Let kid win when playing against parent

8 tools to prevent rivalry
Expect kids to value each other
Celebrate family culture and traditions 
Teach values
Family routines that foster closeness 
Morning snuggles for 5 min 
Family kindness journal 
Acknowledge daily good things they do for each other
Let siblings nurture each other when hurt
Joint errands
Take photos of them together and individually 
At dinner share highs and lows of day
Practice gratitude 
Say good night to each other or have older read to younger 
Sibling annual celebration or brother birthday which is halfway between both
End of school year slumber party
Rules to create closeness
Have kids write themselves
Hang up
Family motto
Share activities they both enjoy
Don’t interrupt happy play
Start special time between kids
Find ways to unite kids in common mission
Put kids in charge of project together
Assign tasks to sibling team
Shake up who teams with who
Connect before you correct
Roughhousing games for siblings
Pillow fights
Wrestling
Power games
Role reversal
Follow the leader, Simon says
Love games
Appreciations all around before dinner
What looking forward to next week
Group hug

Part 3 preparing for a baby 

9 Before the baby arrives 
What to say
When to tell kid
Have kid start talking to and doing things for baby
Take kid to doctor
Have both parents do all routines with older kid so either can do it
Emphasize older child’s uniqueness
Activity boxes for older kid

10 birth to first few months
Introducing child to baby
Let someone else carry the baby so both parents can hug the older kid
Gift exchange between both kids
Limit visitors first week
Include older when caring for baby
Take photo of older child holding baby
Keep older kid schedule normal 
Tell older kid it’s their job to keep the house quiet so can have special time with parent longer
Use games to get kids laughing when jealous

11 building positive foundation as baby gets older
Help older kid protect things from baby
Don’t require older kid to watch younger
Show older kid as teacher 
Help older kid do self regulated turns and sharing
Don’t take sides
Don’t divide time evenly but based on needs
Build time with each child in day
Don’t multitask when 1:1 with kid
Watch when kid tired or hungry

References
Peaceful parent, happy kids 
It’s ok not to share
A-ha parenting 
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