Notes on Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

I finally finished reading Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was a much shorter book than How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, but I still learned a lot from it and appreciated the quick tactical advice and specific scripts/language included. I now understand why this is the classic book about sibling relationships.

See my main notes/takeaways below.

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Kids should express all their feelings and anger but not act them out
Acknowledge the feelings and put them into words
A comment like that mak would make you mad
I can hear you’re really mad at her
Give in fantasy what you can’t give in reality
You don’t want her here. Sometimes you’d wish she would go away. 
That would be annoying. You wish he’d check with you first. 
Help children channel feelings into creative outlets
No hurting her. You can show me your feelings in your x
That’s no fun being left behind. Want to draw me a picture of how you feel?
I think she needs to know how enraged you are in writing. 
Tell her how angry you are with words not fists
I expect you to confront her without calling names
Make a private property sign
I can’t let you hurt me. But I can let you show me what you’re feeling with this doll. 
Parent write down list of everything child saying. List of top 5 complaints. 

3 perils of comparisons 
Never compare
Describe what you see
Describe what you like
Describe what you don’t like
Describe what needs to be done
No reference to sibling 
Avoid favorable or unfavorable comparisons
Parents see kids as separate individuals
Love each uniquely and individually rather than equally
Instead of claiming equal love, show how love each individually
Don’t show favoritism
Don’t give equal time but based on need

5 siblings in roles
Don’t assign sibling in to role like clown or good one or neat one
Don’t compare their abilities to each other for determination of hobbies or activities. Do those for pleasure and learning sake not just about accomplishment or talent. 
Arts and sports are for everyone
No more bullies
Mention their capacity to be nice
No more victims
Give them words to fend for self
Treat kids as basically capable and all ok
No more problem children
Encourage ability

6 when kids fight 
Acknowledge anger for each other and the difficulty they are in
Express fishy in their ability to find mutually agreeable solution
Leave the room
When about to cause physical harm
Describe what you see
Say this is a very dangerous situation and we need to cool off
Separate them
No hurting allowed in our home
Ask is this a play fight or a real fight
Don’t force kids to share but encourage out of goodwill
If kids can’t decide between themselves, call a meeting and explain the ground rules
Write down each child’s side
Have everyone write down solutions
Decide on solutions you can all live with
Follow up
When kids conflict: State each child’s feelings, explain the priorities, then leave
Put kids in charge of the sharing
Explain the benefits you can get from the sharing (novel combinations, etc.)
Show appreciation for sharing when it happens
Model sharing yourself
If older child constantly taking advantage of younger and younger doesn’t mind, don’t interfere because it won’t last forced

7 making peace with the past

Afterword
Coping with young rivals
Fun activities for all
Find ways to make older one look good and useful to younger one like to teach or model
Property rights
Policy about property
Most things in house can be used by anyone
But some things are so special or new or delicate that not for sharing and need to ask permission
A sign for private property
Designated shelf for each kid for own stuff
When shelves bulge then review periodically which have to remain there
A strange urge to snap out of another’s hand
Rule of no grabbing and instead need to ask nicely
To punish or not to punish
Each child should get alone time with each parent daily
When spending time with one child, don’t talk about the other
Don’t withhold affection from favorite child
Just give each full unique appreciation
Birth order
Let kids switch roles and play
Let child know what it is about them that sibling likes
Schedule family meetings
Discuss chores
Discuss what’s working and not 
Make formal printed invitations