Notes on How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

I just finished reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and it blew my mind. It is exactly the type of non-fiction/psychology/parenting/self-help book I like: filled to the brim with concrete examples and exact scripts that you can learn from and model. I always wonder how to say things in a better way, and this book provides so many excellent examples which are applicable to all sorts of relationships, not just parent-child.

Even though my son is still pre-verbal, I found tremendous value in this book (so much so that I listened at 2x instead of my usual 3x). It took me forever to finish the audio book because I was taking so many notes on the wording suggestions in the book.

A lot of the examples of sub-optimal phrasing and parenting rang true for me as I have heard them uttered by many parents around me (and even my own). I've even said the same types of things to my wife, my parents, and some of my friends. This book has made me take a much closer look at the way I communicate with others in order to be more respectful and allow others to have their own experience without jumping to trying to fix their problems.

On the contrary, this book was filled with phrases that made me think, "Whoa, that's exactly how some of my most mature/thoughtful/respectful friends/fellow parents speak." And the stories of how much better kids respond to that sort of language make me even more interested in embracing this approach.

I really will need to come back to this book in a couple years, and I'm looking forward to checking out the other books in this series. It was super, super helpful.


​1 helping children deal with their feelings

I was a wonderful parent before I had children
Important to accept your children's feelings even if you don't like them or believe it
Bad to tell kids not to trust their own perceptions by negating their experience and feelings
put self in children's shoes
People can have own feelings and need to accept even if don't like
Don't deny their feelings
Bad responses: denial of feelings, philosophizing, advice, too many questions, defense of other person, pity, amateur psychoanalysis
Good response: empathy and acknowledgment

When kids come with troubled feelings
Listen with full attention
Acknowledge with just one word: oh, hmm, I see
Give the feeling a name
Grant child his wishes in fantasy instead of logic. I wish I could make the booboo stop hurting right now. 

Don't be afraid of using words that are too big. They learn them in context. 
Ok to just repeat back what they say in confirmatory tone as if making sure u heard right

Need more care and skill with negative feelings
Imagine child hurt feelings like physical wounds that need immediate care
Asking why of child about his feelings isn't good. Just state observations like I see something is making u sad. 

Don't need to agree with kids feelings just acknowledge
Ok to pause and listen silently to promote more details from kid

Saying “I understand how u feel” is not enough since won't believe u
Being specific more believable

If identify feeling wrong then no problem and child will quickly set u right

Responding to mean comments like I hate you or you're mean
I didn't like what I just heard
If you're angry about something tell it to me in another way then maybe I can be helpful

When kids extremely upset sometimes a physical activity can relieve some of the feelings 
Punch pillow
Hammer and eat play
Pound grocery carton
Roar like lion
Throw darts
Drawing their feelings. Show me how angry you are. Draw me a picture of how you feel. Wow you really are angry. Show me more. Boy that angry 

Don't worry about being too permissive
Just all feelings are permitted, not behavior

When we give too much advice, we deprive of experience of wrestling with own problems

When parent says something wrong can always say “I was thinking more about what you said to me about X and I realize how upsetting it must have been”
Compassion always appreciated

Don't repeat exact words back to them
Some kids prefer no talk at all. Just sit and hug. 
Not ok to have response which is just correct but cool. Better to convey tone that shows ur there with him
Don't respond with more intensity than the kid feels
Don't repeat the names the kids are called or call themselves

Just listen and stay out of way sometimes so they fix own problems 

Ok to let children know that it's ok to have 2 feelings at the same time (one positive and one negative)
Don't need pressure of trying to keep kids constantly happy

The more u try to stop their bad feelings the more stuck they stay
The more accepting u r of them the easier they let go
Permit expression of a lot of unhappiness

“Those are rough feelings to have”
Remember memories of good things he's done

Grant children in fantasy
You wish you had …
Be far out fantastic in fantasy

Write down on paper the wishlist of what kid wants from toy story when there and not buying
Shows u care enough to put in writing and know what wants


2 engaging cooperation

Explaining and reassuring don't work
Need to actually listen to not give parrot response
Even if right response from parent doesn't work, it still helps

Parents dealing with own negative feelings
Battle of wills

Ways parents address kids
Blaming and accusing
Name calling
Threats
Commands
Lecturing and moralizing
Warnings
Martyrdom statements/guilt
Comparisons to other kids
Sarcasm
Prophecy

Better approaches to create climate of respect where cooperation can grow 
Describe what you see or the problem
Give information 
Say it with a word
Talk about your feelings 
Write a note

Describe
Instead of you statements talk about the problem and what you see as symptoms
Allows kids to see for themselves what they need to do
I see the dog pacing in front of the door

Give information
About consequences of bad behavior or mistakes
Information easier to take than accusation
Allows kid to figure out for himself what needs to be done 
Milk spoils when it's not put away
Apple cores belong in the trash
The wall is not for writing on. Paper is for writing on. 
It would really be helpful if the table were set for dinner now

Say it with a word
Instead of a paragraph tirade at kid, use just one word: pajamas!
Kids dislike sermons. The shorter the better. 
Jamie, your lunch. 
Billy, the dog. 

Talk about your feelings
Make no comment about child's character or personality
I don't like having my sleeve pulled
It bothers me when the screen door is left open
I object to being told I have to do anything. What id like to hear is, “dad, I'm ready to go. Can u take me now?”

Write a note
Left on kid sink mirror: help, hair in my drain keeps me plugged up
Left on tv: before u turn me on, think: have I done my homework?
Left on parents bedroom door with 2 sides: shhh mommy and daddy are sleeping / hi, come on in

Can raise intensity of voice if not getting through and combine skills back to back

Write note: wet towels on my bed make me see red or please put me back on towel rack so I can dry
I don't like being ignored. I'm putting away your wet towel and now you have a resentful father. 

Written assignment 
1 unhelpful thing I did not say this week and autistic 
2 new skills I put to use this week, situation, reaction of child and you
A note I wrote

Attitude
You are a lovable capable person. Right now there's a problem that needs attention. Once you are aware of it, you will probably respond responsibly. 

Don't say please to child when really upset
It's more for normal moments for social modeling
Speak forcefully rather than pleading
Loud and firm: sofas are not for jumping on

Offer choice about when kid does the thing you want
Do you want to take your bath before your tv show or right after

Offer choice about how it's done
Do you want to take your bath with your doll or your boat 

Are you always asking child to do things or are you spending enough time just to be alone together with him

Physical changes in house to encourage cooperation
Install low hooks to avoid hangers
additional shelves to make cleanup easier

If made these mistakes in the past and want to change, then need a long period of giving lots of approval to kid

Humor good way to get kid to do things
Ask kid to do things in accent or funny voice. 
This is rc3c: the next kid to take ice will be orbited into outer space. Please take affirmative action

Avoiding repeating or nagging
Instead of repeating ask if heard you. Could you please tell me what I just said? Now that I know you know, I won't bother telling you again.

Getting kids to follow through
It's been two weeks since the lawn was mowed. I'd like it done today. I'd feel better if I knew just when you plan to get to it. Good. Now I know I can count on the lawn being done one hour from now. Thanks steve 

Describe
Focus descriptive language on the problem and what needs to be done
The milk spilled, we need a sponge
The jar broke, we need a broom
No you words. No blaming or finger pointing. 
Statements work best when child feels his help is genuinely needed

Give information 
Must leave off insulting language at end
Giving lifelong gift of important facts and knowledge to child
Refrain from giving info he already knows 
Name calling can hurt feelings
Slacks are for outdoors, uniforms are for meetings
Two wheels can ride on the street. Three wheels belong on the sidewalk. 

One word statement
Relief from lecture
Allows child to exercise own initiative 
Don't use child name as the one word or else will associate with disapproval 

Talk about your feelings
Children aren't fragile and can deal with your feelings. Not necessary to be fragile. 
This is not a good time for me to look at your homework. I'm tense and distracted. After dinner I can give it the attention it deserves. 
It's a good idea to stay away from me for a little while. I'm irritable and it has nothing to do with you. 
I have as much patience right now as a watermelon / as a grapefruit / as a pea, I think we ought to quit before it shrivels
If you get the response so who cares, say I do, I care how I feel and I care how you feel, and I expect this to be a family where we all care about each other's feelings
For some kids who have trouble dealing with parent strong emotional statements like I'm angry you pulled the cats tail, just state your expectations like I expect you to be kind to animals

Write a note
Even if don't know how to read
Notes from dog, from kitchen, notice of storytime for kids who brushed teeth and in pj at 7:30, kitchen closed until dinner
Light touch
Can use when very angry and may do something worse or punish
Can include humor

Speak to what is best in your kids: intelligence, initiative, responsibility, humor, sensitivity to needs of others
Nourish self esteem instead of wound spirit


3 alternatives to punishment

Punishment leads to bad feelings and often worse behavior
Child should experience consequences of misbehavior but not punishment
Punishment is distraction and makes kid spend more time thinking about revenge than how to amend own behavior

Examples of alternatives
Do dress rehearsal at home and explain right behavior
Write book together about the situation
Kid writes list of groceries he is in charge of finding and putting in cart
Library card system to check out tools and return before borrowing another
Get own set of starter tools for kid for birthday
Son starts saving for his own set

Focus on prevention

Alternatives to punishment
Point out a way to be helpful
Express strong disapproval without attacking character
State your expectations
Show the child how to make amends
Offer a choice
Take action
Allow child to experience consequences of misbehavior

It would be really helpful if you picked out three big lemons for us
I don't like what I see going on. It's disturbing to shoppers to see kids running around. 
Billy, no running. Here are your choices: you can walk or you can sit in the cart. 
Remove or restrain
Next day just don't invite to join for shopping and let kid guess why not. There will be other chances but today I'm going by myself. 
I'm furious that my new X was left outside in the rain
I expect that when my tools are borrowed they are returned promptly and in good condition
What this saw needs is some grease and a light coat of oil to protect it for the future
You can borrow my tools and return them or you can give up the privilege of using them. you decide. 
Lock toolbox. For the time being I need to know my tools are exactly where I left them. 
I see you made an effort but I'm still upset. I expect that when you say you will be home by 5:30 that I can count on it. We've eaten already so there's no more chicken left. But you're welcome to make yourself a sandwich if you'd like. 

To solve complex behavior problem 
Talk about child's feelings and needs
Talk about your feelings and needs
Brainstorm mutually acceptable solutions
Write down all ideas without evaluating
Decide which you like or don't or plan to follow through on

I know it probably doesn't feel easy to leave when you're with your friends and having fun
Otoh I worry when you're late
Let's put our heads together and see if we can come up with some ideas that would be good for both of us
Let's write down our ideas and not worry about which we like until later
Let's look at our list and see which we want to cross out and which we want to keep

Stop thinking of child as problem that needs correction or that adult has right answer

Knives are not for licking
This china dog can break but your stuffed dog can't break
Repeat the info as necessary 

Punishment is unrelated deliberate deprivation of child's enjoyment
Natural consequences are just direct result of stopping or not allowing the bad behavior or privilege
Get a note in writing from kid that will return shirt back in good condition to allow another chance

More effective to express anger than locate culprit and punish
I'm not interested in who did it or blaming for the past. I am interested in improving for the future
Now I'd like both of you to clear the sofa of all peels

Don't just express disapproval. Also point child towards way to make amends. 
I'm furious to see X. I'd like Y fixed tonight. 
I'm angry that you X. Now I expect you to Y.

I'm sorry is not enough for repeat offender 
Sorry means behaving differently. Making changes. 
I'm glad to hear you're sorry. That's the first step. The second step is thinking about what you're going to do about it. 

Problem solving tips
Get your attitude right and calm down and think of being respectful 
Check out your child's mood
Is this a good time for you to talk
Talk about child feelings
I imagine you're feeling
Here's how I'm feeling
Let child come up with first few ideas
If child doesn't want to problem solve then ask them for solutions in a note

Ask siblings to problem solve together
I see one child who wants X. I see another child who wants y. I believe you both can come up with a solution that meets both of your needs. I'll be in the kitchen when you're ready.


4 encouraging autonomy 

Allow them to do things themselves and solve own problems and learn from own mistakes 
Otherwise feel helpless and hostile if feel too dependent and constantly hear advice 

Skills
Let children make choices
Show respect for a child's struggle 
Don't ask too many questions 
Don't rush to answer questions 
Encourage children to use sources outside the home
Don't take away hope

Let children make choices
Do you want red pants or blue 
Do you want half a glass of juice or full
We're leaving in 5 min. Do you want to go on the slide one more time or on the swing
What would work best for you: doing your practice before dinner or after
Gives child practice making decisions 

Show respect for a child's struggle 
A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps to do X. 
Tying shoelaces is hard and takes a lot of fancy finger work
Adding fractions can be hard. It's not easy to find the common denominator. 

Don't ask too many questions 
Instead of a million questions about day, just say hi, I'm glad to see you
Welcome home

Don't rush to answer questions 
That's an interesting question. What do you think
You wonder about that. Why does X
Let child explore the answer for self first

Encourage children to use sources outside the home
Hmm I wonder if the pet shop owner has any suggestions
Let's check with the dentist and see what he thinks about chewing gum
I'm still making inquiries. I'd also like you to ask around school for any recommendations
How would you like asking the teacher for a name of a senior who would tutor you just until you got caught up
Child not dependent on us. Can use entire world for support. 

Don't take away hope
So, you're going to try out for the lead. That should be an experience. 
You think you might like to work as a sitter. Tell me about it. 
So, you're considering a career in engineering
Allow child to have his own experience and hope instead of preparing for disappointment. 
When protect kids from disappointment, we block them from striving and dreaming and hoping

In every situation: Must I take over or can I put the children in charge
Is there anything ur doing for ur child he can do for himself 

Offer kids choice
Do you want to stop drumming on table here or go drum in your room
It's mommy and daddy's time to talk now. Do you want to go to sleep now or play in your bed and call us when ur ready to be tucked in
I know how you don't like to take your medicine. Do you want to take it with apple juice or ginger ale
Can also offer child to come up with own choice acceptable to all

Show respect for struggle
Don't tell child something is easy to encourage him since if fails it's bad and if succeeds it's not special 
Don't take over and help. Just give useful info. 
Sometimes it helps if you do X before …

Don't ask too many questions
Don't ask if had fun today

Don't rush to answer questions
Act as sounding board for their brainstorming
Have questions turned back to them
Credit the questioner
You wonder about that
Repeat question verbatim back
You're asking an important question, one philosophers have asked for centuries

Use resources outside home
Librarian
School nurse
Dentist

Don't take away hope
Tell me about that

More ways to encourage autonomy

Let him own his own body
Refrain from constantly brushing away hair or dust off lint or straightening shoulders, tucking in clothes

Stay out of minutiae of child's life
How they sit or do homework or what they wear when doesn't matter
Quit bugging them when it's there business

Don't talk about a child in front of him no matter how young
Not objects or possessions

Let a child answer for himself 
Jonny can tell you. He's the one who knows. 

Show respect for your child's eventual readiness
When child wants to do something new but has trouble
Express confidence in their eventual ability
I'm not concerned. When you're ready you'll get in the water. 
When you decide to you'll stop sucking your thumb
One of these days you'll use the bathroom just like mommy and daddy

Watch out for too many no’s
Give information and leave out the no. We're having dinner in 5 min
Accept feelings. I can see if it were up to you you'd stay for a long long time (and take by the hand to leave). It's hard to leave a place you enjoy so much. 
Describe the problem. I'd like to help you out; the problem is that the electrician is coming in the next half hour
Substitute yes whenever possible. Yes certainly right after lunch. 
Give yourself a chance to think. Let me think about it

More about advice
Don't give immediate advice
When figures out for self then grows in confidence and ability 
Don't ignore completely either
Help her sort out tangled thoughts and feelings. From what you've been telling me It sounds to me like you have two conflicting feelings: on one hand you feel X and on the other y because...
Restate the problem as a question: so the question seems to be, how do you find a way to do X while dealing with some of the Y. Keep quiet after asking a question like this. 
Point out resources the child can use outside the home. I bet there are websites that have suggestions for X

To introduce your own advice, wait until she has done her own research and thinking and propose in way that shows respect. How would you feel about X solution. Would you consider Y
After child has had time for own thoughts, can share own feelings. It would bother me to think that X

Let him make his own breakfast
Let him work bathtub faucet to temperature he likes
Give plastic knife to cut own meat

Come up with chart for what clothes go with which degree of temperature outside and hang thermometer on tree
Non school days can wear anything and school days can pick from 2 outfits parent chooses
Show paper towels for cleaning and let child clean up own mess
Ask kids to decide how to deal with cleaning at table and manners. 2 manners nights and rest are free. 
Write note asking for written plan by deadline from kid on how will do everything he needs to
Together with child come up with written plan to improve grades in each subject


5 praise

Stop belittling kids at home
Give them choices
When they mess up, remind with a word and encouragement 

Some praise can make you doubt the praiser

Helpful praise
Adult describes with appreciation what he feels or sees
Child after hearing the description is able to praise himself

Adult just describes what sees without evaluating

Descriptive praise
I see you drew circle circle circle and dot dot dot. How did you ever think to do that?
I see a lot of work has been going on here. The blocks are back on the shelf. The marbles are all picked up. It's a pleasure to walk into this room. 

Instead of this scarf you made me is beautiful, describe look at this rich red color and these rows of X. This scarf will really keep me warm on a cold day. 
I'm very moved by your poem about the eagle. I especially love the line “X”
You figured out that the X are more expensive. I'm impressed. 
That was a complicated phone message you took. It was written so clearly and I knew exactly what to do. 

Summing up behavior in a word
Now that's what I call perseverance 
That's what's known as taking initiative 

Make sure praise appropriate to child's age and level of ability 

Avoid the kind of praise that hints at past weaknesses or failures

Be aware that excessive enthusiasm can interfere with child's ability to praise himself 
If u don't want behavior repeated don't praise

Can always use descriptive phrase and feelings even for something that is expected behavior
I especially enjoyed our trip today
Child will understand why

I'm so proud of u
Shifts pride to parent
Better to say what an achievement. U must be so proud of yourself. 
I knew all along u could do it gives credit to omniscience not to achiever
That award represents months of practice and determination

When child upset over failures
Don't minimize his distress. It can be frustrating to work on something so long and not have it work out. 
Accept his mistakes and view as part of the learning process. From this you learned that even X can do y when z. 
Parents should accept own mistakes and not beat themselves up for them. Instead be solution oriented. I wish I hadn't forgotten that key. It's the second time. What can I do to make sure it doesn't happen again?

Don't take good behavior for granted. Praise appropriately. Look for it actively. 
Point out what did right and not always what did wrong. They'll want to improve on own. 
Stop saying if ur good I'll… better: it'd be helpful to me if

When not doing well, praise something small they are doing well each time
Can also praise record of past successes



6 freeing children from playing roles

Labeling a child is to be avoided because self fulfilling prophecy
Stop calling same name/nickname of child to tease (like calling boss)
Child easily gets message of how parents think of him, even if not explicitly

To liberate child from role
Look for opportunities to show child new ways of seeing self
Put children in situations where can see selves differently
Let children overhear u say something positive about them
Model the behavior u would like to see
Be a storehouse for ur child's special moments
When ur child behaves according to old label, state your feelings and expectations

Look for opportunities to show child new ways of seeing self
Mention things he does that go against the old label
Uve had that toy since u were 3 and it looks almost new
I like the way you told me that. U made ur point and there was no blame. 
I was just about to call X when u figured out y. How'd u ever think of that?
With everything else on ur mind u remembered to check X. That's responsibility. 

Put children in situations where can see selves differently
I'm not going to be home this afternoon so I'm putting u in charge of X and y
We need X. Do u think it's safer to carry the money in ur pocket or wallet?
Would u take the screwdriver and tighten X
Please divide these X so that each person gets a fair share

Let children overhear u say something positive about them
Mom u should've seen ur grandson take his shot today. He just held out his arm and kept talking to the doctor. And those shots can hurt too
When we were doing X and z went wrong, while I was thinking of what to do, Gary did N and fixed M. That's what I call being cool in a crisis. 

Model the behavior u would like to see
It's much more fun to win. But I'll be a good sport about it and let u win. Congratulations. 
I dread cleaning up this whole garage at once. Instead I'll tackle just this first section. 

Be a storehouse for ur child's special moments
Well she doesn't know you the way I do. Boy I remember the time when u were X and u did y. And when you were n you were the first child on the block to do z. 

When ur child behaves according to old label, state your feelings and expectations
The cookies are for the whole family. I expect you to control yourself. 
That way of talking upsets me. Can u ask me another way?
It bothers me to see X. I expect them to be put back when they're not in use. 
I don't like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect you to be a good sport despite losing. 

Use old skills too
Write note saying u trust kid to find a way to remember instrument
Problem solve. I know X is tough. But hitting is out. How else could u y


7 putting it all together
Good example


Afterword
Lisa I don't like being accused. If there's something u want u need to tell me in another way

Don't use choice as a threat. Make sure both options acceptable to u. 

Don't bring up consequences during problem solving 
Need atmosphere of trust

Alternatives of but
Just give child's feeling full value without but statement. Can also grant wish in fantasy. 
Replace but with the problem is 
Replace but with and even though you know and then reacknowledge feeling

Avoid sentences beginning with why did you/why didn't you
Accusatory 
Instead turn the problem over to child and offer support. This was addressed to your dad and me but you're the one responsible for it. If you need any help starting or finishing your report or want to bounce ideas off us, we're here

Time out
Just another punishment
Holly no hitting. You can tell your sister with words how mad it makes you feel when your sister pulls on your arm when you're trying to draw
Private time with caring adult to deal with hurt feelings instead of solitary confinement. It's not easy to have a little sister who's always pulling on your arm to get your attention. Today she made you so mad that you hit her. I can't allow either of my children to hit the other. We need to make a list of things you can do instead if she bothers you when you're drawing. Yell stop in her face very loud. Push hand away gently. Give her her own paper and crayon. Give her something else to play with. Draw when sister napping. Draw with door closed. If nothing else works can call mom for help. Post list of solutions wherever child wants and consult whenever likes. 

Spouses
Talk about changes ur trying to make to include spouse but without pressure
Read book together in car
Ask spouse for advice on how to handle issue

Power of playfulness
When child refuses to get dressed put underwear on head and socks on hands and then have child correct u and do it himself
Name the germs in the mouth having a party and say what they say and do we child brushes mouth
Funny traditions to encourage order and cooperation around house. Put chores in blown up balloons. Children grab and break balloons, do jobs, and come back and break more balloons until all jobs done. Have kids pick cards and number tells kid how many things they need to put away. Race to clean up puzzle pieces before song ends. Poem on bathroom mirror to clean it. Pretend to call kid on phone to clean room. 

Children will adopt your language and way of speaking as their native tongue
You're feeling cranky today aren't you
Do you want to walk to bed or hop to bed
I don't like it when you kick me
You can either play with the animals and not press hard or play another game. Which do you choose
Milk turns sour when it's not put away in the fridge
In our house we don't blame. Just tell me what you want. 

No such thing as calm conflict free life with young children
Relentless job with no going home at end of long days work
With children u always get another chance to practice and do better communication 

Accepting feelings 
Stop when u try to reason against child feeling and just really accept it and sound it back
Tone of voice when accepting feeling must match intensity of feeling of child. Words or tone of “calm down” is not allowed. Match strong feelings rather than minimize them. Do you think if we dry them over a heater they'll be dry by the time we get home?
Sometimes a choice helps a child move on. What should we do for now? Do you want to wear your X or your y?
When multiple kids fight just listen and echo back what each feels rather than trying to settle disputes

Giving in fantasy
You know what I want? I wish we had a granola bar as big as that table over there!

Stop trying to reassure with reason
I know! It's not your favorite place! You feel X! Here's your jacket. 
No need to fix all his worries
Where does it hurt? This needs a kiss. 
Keep supply of band aids for invisible injuries
Grant attention when child asks
2 raisin pills or 1 teaspoon grape juice medicine. Emotional first aid. 

Instead of questioning what's wrong, accept feeling from get go. You look sad. Something upset you. Seems like you had a rough day. 
Just sit with child and don't question 

Engaging cooperation 
Acknowledge the feeling. Limit the action. 
I see you're in a kicking mood. Dogs are not for kicking. Dogs like to be touched very gently. Would you like to kick a balloon or your foam ball?

Be playful rather than stern
Make an inanimate object talk
The hungry bag who wants to eat toys that need to be cleaned up. The socks that want foot in them. 

Alternatives to punishment 
Focus on fixing and how to improve in future
Can still take action to protect things

Taking action

Protecting property 
Throwing blocks can break windows. I'm putting the blocks away for now. 
I'm not lending any more tools. I'll feel better about sharing when the drill you borrowed is returned or replaced. 
I'm very upset the car was taken without permission. I'm holding on to the keys until we can come up with a system we are both comfortable with. 

Protecting others
No hitting!
I can see how angry you are with your brother. I'm taking you/him into the kitchen now so nobody gets hurt. 
Throwing sand can injure people's eyes. Let's go play on the grass for now. 
I'm holding on to your X until you can find a way to assure me it'll be used safely. Pointing it at X is too dangerous. 

Protecting yourself
I'm too tired to read bedtime stories after 9. We can try again tomorrow as long as you're ready on time. 
We're going home now. I don't want to do anymore shopping now. I know u need X but right now I'm too upset at being spoken to so sarcastically, especially in front of the salesperson. 
Last time we went to X I had to y so you would z. I'm not going back until we have a plan for how you can z on time. 

Protecting child
I'm putting the bike away for now. I see you're not in the mood to wear a helmet and I'm too worried about injuries. What can we find to play with that doesn't require head gear?
I can't give you permission to go to an unsupervised party. I'm sure u know why. If you'd like you can invite some friends over to our house. 

Protecting your relationship with your child
I need the house cleaned before friends come tonight. I'll take you to your friends as soon as this is cleaned up. Yes I could clean it up but I'd feel resentful cleaning up your stuff while ur playing and I don't want to feel that way about you. 
I'm very upset right now. I don't like the way you're talking to me and I don't like the way I'm talking to you. I'm going into my room now and closing the door. I need some time to cool down. 

Homework 
Be on child's side. Acknowledge his feelings
Problem solve. Consider everything. 
Be your child's advocate. Communicate with teacher. Don't worry about what other kids doing. 

Encourage autonomy 
Substitute choice for command. Choice needs to be open ended. I can't let you cut carpet with scissors. Do you want to cut paper or cardboard? What else can you cut? You can't throw X in house. You can throw y or z in house or X outside. 

Invitation to talk
Instead of questions: I'd love to hear about X when you're ready to tell me

Praise
Acknowledge what has been doing right when makes mistake
Descriptive praise
In times of need we support rather than attack each other
Don't praise by comparison to sibling. Don't say You did X way better than sister. Better: you tied your shoes by yourself. I know who will be teaching little Joey when he's ready for his big boy shoes. You guys made quite a cleanup team. I bet your sister is going to be excited when she hears you can read to her
You sounded so smooth and confident up there. Don't compare to classmates. 

Freeing children from roles
Often parents put kids in roles because of need to explain them to other people
Useful phrase: when he's ready
Jon will try anything when he's ready
Don't worry I'm sure Maria will talk to you when she's ready
I know you'll try the pool when you're ready

Competition
Alter games when kids young to take out competitive factors. All young kids are sore losers and it's ok. 
Use stopwatch and take turns and try to just beat your own time from before
First one to finish board game is first place winner but other players still get to finish game no matter how many turns it takes

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