 A fellow new dad I met recently recommended to me the book The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids by Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Sandahl. I just finished it and enjoyed it a lot. It was a quick read and built on a lot of the same lessons of respectful parenting from the RIE approach (see books by Janet Lansbury like Elevating Child Care). My notes are below.
Parent Play: free play Authenticity Reframing Empathy No ultimatums or power struggles Togetherness and huga/coziness Foreword American mom and danish psychotherapy Introduction: secret to danish happiness Happiest people yearly since 1973 Secret may be in their upbringing which repeats itself 1 recognizing our default settings Too much pressure and stress and competition in America Examine your default settings and beliefs Stooping down to level of the child and asking do you want to get ow ow from car in street and why need to stop and look in eye and speak calmly P is for play Unstructured play without planned classes or activities Overprogramming their lives Too much anxiety they feel to perform Free play teaches resilience and coping with stress Need space and trust to master things themselves Want internal locus of control Proximal development: needs space to grow on own instead of intervening Minimal scaffolding They are in charge of own development Play teaches how to cope with stress Legos Playgrounds Turn off tv and electronics Create a rich environment with different materials Use art. Just put out materials and don't show how to do it. Play outside as much as possible, anywhere u can. Mix children of different ages Let them be free and forget the guilt Be real and get down on their level Let them play alone Create an obstacle course Get other parents involved Avoid intervening too quickly Let go and let them do it themselves 3 A is for authenticity Andersen fairy tales actually are tragedies. More authentic to real life. Accept authentic feelings. Recognize own limits and respect them. Danish value of humility Don't over praise. Focus on the task and work involved. Ask questions about work and what was thinking. Fixed vs growth mindset. Don't praise inner ability. Focus on effort and work. Process praise. Root out self deception. Answer kid questions with honesty Use examples from own childhood Teach honesty Read stories encompassing all emotions Use process praise Don't use praise as default response Focus on effort and keep it genuine Teach kids not to compare with others Highlight your and your child's unique perspectives by adding “for me” or “for you” R is for reframing Putting new frame around reality Another side always exists Realistic optimists Filter out unnecessary negative info Limiting language is ineffective. Be less black and white. Shift focus from what child can't do to what can do Separate self from label Place importance on aspects you like in yourself or child Don't use word “never” Separate behavior from child Remember how u felt in good times. Use humor to show how much worse situation can be. Pay attention to your negativity Practice reframing Use less limiting black and white language Separate issues from the person Rewrite children's narrative or identityto focus on positive side Use supporting language. Ask questions of kids Use humor E is for empathy Feeling with another Too much narcissism and competition Fear of vulnerability Brains wired for empathy in limbic system Show empathy through your language and behavior Overprotective parenting hampers empathy development Allow expressing full range of emotions Step by step program teaching what emotions look like in other kids Nonjudgmental of emotions Discussion of bullying and caring for each other Mixing kids with strengths and weaknesses Pushing kids to teach others Power of words and stories we tell about others Pointing out good character qualities in other kids Seeing good in others as default setting Giving reasons for negative behaviors and focus on context Imagining why someone may be having a hard time Teaching empathy Lots of examples from parents Don't force carrying out adult commands. Ask kids to consider other kid perspective. Ask if want to share later Point out emotions of others. Do you see victor is angry? Why do you think he is angry? Acknowledge emotion first Not judging Bring tolerant of self Tips Understand own empathic style Understand others instead of judging or shaming Identify others emotions Read to kids books about uncomfortable emotions Improve meaningful relationships Be vulnerable Seek out empathy in others N is for no ultimatums 4 parenting styles Authoritarian Authoritative Permissive Uninvolved No spanking or yelling Expect misbehavior and boundary pushing Parenting with respect Creating rules together with teacher Each kid as individual Avoiding power struggle Action not child bad Stop worrying about what others think Chill out and don't stress about little issues Offer a way out instead of ultimatum. Show consequences of actions. Let kids eat as they wish. Don't make it a big deal. Give them a way out. Explain the rules and ask for understanding. Explain in way they can understand. Don't blame the child Children are inherently good Reframe Accept all kinds of feelings Put bad behavior in context Know what triggers u Show child that u listen to her. I can hear that you want x but y T is for togetherness Cozy time together Huga: coziness, think and feel satisfied Games for everyone together Teamwork and group projects Humility Social association groups Singing homemade songs and national song book More social ties lowers stress levels and higher immune systems Pact with family for huga Leave stressors at door Preframing: leave personal preferences aside and don't discuss others or complain No electronics in gatherings Example written huga oath
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