The second book by Magda Gerber about her RIE approach to parenting that I just finished is Your Self-Confident Baby: How to Encourage Your Child's Natural Abilities -- From the Very Start. I found a lot of overlap between this one and Dear Parent, but it was still helpful to hear all the examples of parents putting the concepts into practice. I also appreciated all the background about the origins of RIE and the Stanford DIP, which I didn't know about.


​
​Part 1 how RIE can help your baby

1 respect
Allow time to do things in his way
Love and consideration
Treat as honored guest
Let him be
Value what does

Basic principles
Trust in child as initiator
Safe and challenging environment
Time for uninterrupted play
Freedom to interact with other infants
Involve child as active participant in caregiving
Sensitive observation
Consistent limits and expectations

2 birth of RIE
Pikler method
Freedom of development
Stanford DIP

Part 2 your baby through life

3 newborn
Observe
Quiet and calm 
Slow
Predictable day schedule
Talk to child in normal voice
Ideal is parent staying home
Calm environment 
Mostly staying home
Second crib outside
No need for caregiver there at all times
Baby monitor
Don't need toys or manual stimulation
No mobile
No boredom
Sleep alone in crib
Sleep sack
No toys in crib
Comfort object optional
Tell baby bedtime routine
Put to bed before overtired
Lullaby and feed and put down awake
No rocking chair for sleep
Involve and talk through diaper change as quality time
Wants something quality vs wants nothing quality time
No goal for child. Simply being while child explores. Allow crying and don't distract away. 
You're crying. What's the matter?
Carrier prevents movement 
Self soothing
Thumb better than paci

4 newborn parents
Ask for help
Doula for mom
Try to do less
First 2.5 years stay at home in peace
Allow child to cry
Acknowledge desire but enforce rule
Babysitting exchanges with other parents
Time for uninterrupted play without u

5 first months
Ask for cooperation 
Feed each item separately 
If you thrown out of play area it stays here
Don't bring child to bathroom with u
Put to bed by 6 or 7 at latest
Put to bed before tired
Rest
Tell child bedtime routine sequence
Offer choice of transitional object
Tell transitional object what you want your child to do for bedtime routine
Tell child you are tired too
Recapture day at end including what may not have seemed important
Can mention what will happen tomorrow
Read soothing stories
Goodnight moon
Put in crib awake and learn to self soothe
Ferber solve child sleep problems
Respond minimally at night
Nap time same approach
Make your life easier
Simple clear statements and tone
Don't give choice or ask question when it's not a choice
Arrange day around child eating and sleeping habits
Let child have child's life

Make clothing comfortable
Not about pretty or cute
Bare feet as much as possible
Naked for part of the day
Completely safe room
Natural play environment
Outdoor play best
Stroller walk fine for nonmobile child
Neatly organized
Simple objects like boxes or bells
Large scarves
Large containers
Stacking toys
Whiffle balls
Blocks crayons and clay
Let child discover how to play with toys himself 
Don't solve problems for child
Do minimum when helping
Leave alone for gradually longer
Mirror too complicated for child
Don't need praise for actions during play. Ok to smile or express feelings. 
Good in good job is a moral judgment of the person
Thank rather than praise for good behavior

Reflecting is support
Comments on child's actions. You pulled those beads apart and that was really hard. 
Just smile to reflect emotion
Doesn't praise or criticize

Selective intervention
You really want that block. Can you get it
Avoid rescuing
Smallest facilitating step

Model good behavior
Only reinforce what u want to see

Support child's authenticity 


6 selecting child care
Best is for one parent to stay at home
Ask caregiver to just observe
Outdoor play area
4:1 caregiver
Play not teaching
Santa Barbara RIE daycare center

7 baby becomes mobile
Forget about milestones and pressure
Focus on baby's happiness not accomplishment of goals u want
Appreciate what he does
Make home safe
Keep out of kitchen and bathroom
Tell child what u expect and plan for next few minutes
Allow time for transitions
I won't let you because
Tell child when leaving
Don't talk about child in front of others. Include him in convo. 
Avoid labels for child
Offer child choices like which Blanket or juice or which sweater
Don't hurry child's speaking
Allow child yo struggle
Learning to fall is important. Don't say you're ok. 
Selective intervention. Observe and wait. 
No horseplay or tickling. Laughter should come from within. 
Let child solve Len problem. I think u can handle this. I'm here if you can't. 
Help child learn to be gentle. Just say gentle. 
Separation and stranger anxiety normal and healthy. Will pass. 
Wean when child starts losing interest. Morning feed last one to drop. Offer cup. Taper feedings over weeks or months. 
Low table and chair instead of high chair to allow easy exit and child directed eating. 
Rules for eating food socially
Keep meals pressure free. Can show as preparing food and explain that will eat soon. Explain rules as go along like the bowl stays on the table.
End meal when playing more than eating
Let play with cups and water during bath
Refrain from offering more when food refused
Do minimum with night wakings
Same routine for each sleep
Slow predictable life


Part 3 as child grows

8 toddler
Tell child goodbye when leaving
Feel powerful but afraid of power
Be patient and understanding
Role of child is to separate and discover own identity
Do minimum of help and ask child questions so they solve own problem
Demands from child are result of security
Support desires. No bad desires, only actions. 
You want to hit lance but I won't let you. It would hurt him. 
No need to teach anything. Just allow them to learn. 
Children learn when parents leave the room
Indoor/outdoor combined play area
Objects to be pushed as well as dumped
Dolls
Climbing structures
Keep TV off
Books and music
Pretend play important. Don't ask child questions about his pretend play, just observe. 
Sharing learned from modeling
Aggressive behavior normal. Acknowledge feelings. 
Hitting is normal. Can't teach not to hit. Will learn from modeling. Just say I won't let you hit, what else can u do?
Biting: redirect to something else he can bite
Let child do everything on own which isn't dangerous
Allow child to experiment and do regressive behaviors like crawling whenever wants to. 
Don't overreact to negative behaviors. 
React positively to good deeds. Thank u for playing calmly while I was on the phone. I liked how u touched X gently. 
If you don't want to put on your shoes, you'll stay home. Do you want to put on your shoes yourself or do you need me to help you?
I don't want you to
Ignore bad words and don't become upset. Better to look other way. Can discuss when older. 
Do errands without child
Head banging normal and can't stop. Just let be. Way of relieving stress. 
Discipline is consistent limits
Time out disconnected punishment
No spanking
Cause consequences discipline
Leave tossed out toys where they fall
Describe what happening around child
Use words to describe child's feelings
Fear is normal. Don't discount their fears even if no real danger. 
Keep up bedtime and nap time routines
Calm soothing atmosphere before bed
Choices best when given 2 choices
Can sit at adult table when has table manners and fits in big chair
Testing means child feels safe with u
I know you want to y but we are going to X
Whenever ur ready the potty chair is here for u
Don't convey negative message about feces
Don't reward toilet learning. Just normal thing. 
Sibling rivalry: intervene minimally
Don't judge. What else could you have done?

After really enjoying Janet Lansbury's books, I decided to go to some of the "primary source" material to learn more about RIE, and that meant starting to read Magda Gerber's books. The first one I just finished is Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect by Magda Gerber.

A lot of it is echoed in Janet's writing, but it was nice to hear Magda's tone directly come through in her prose and examples. With the millions of parenting philosophies and opinions out there and the millions of tiny decisions parents have to make everyday, I really liked how this book took a stand on many controversial issues (sleep, thumb vs. paci, feeding, etc.) and gave a direct recommendation along with its reasoning.

Each chapter was short and direct, and together they covered pretty much every major aspect of parenting in the first year or so.
​

Enjoy more, work less

1 educaring: meeting needs of infants and parents
Educate while you care and opposite
Respect
Goal is an authentic child
Trust their competence
Sensitive observation
Involve child in caregiving
Safe and challenging environment
Uninterrupted play
Consistency

2 caregiving routines: one to one with full attention
Refueling time for both
Take phone off hook before and tell him

3 teaching and learning
Don't teach or interfere with learning
Free movement, free play
Tell child what he or you are doing
You seem thirsty. Do you want this drink?
Let's put your shirt on. Are you ready to put your arm in the sleeve?
The street isn't safe. I cannot let you run after your ball. 

4 time apart: space for baby
Safe environment is when infant can survive the day if adult locked out by accident
Playpen outside
First toy: big scarf on floor in form of peak
Don't have to sit with baby all the time. Can leave to do own work and check in. 

5 allowing infants to do what they can do
Observe and wait
Do you want to be picked up
Your ball got stuck. What can you do? This upsets you. Let him solve problem. 
Only provide smallest help needed so baby can take over

6 responsibility of parenthood
Ongoingness and unfreeness of being a parent 
Child demands technicalities of caregiving no matter what
Conflict of needs
Adult not baby needs to adjust
Let go and don't push
Ok to go away at times
Investment in the future

7 at home with newborn 
No errands with baby first 6-8 weeks. Peace at home. 

8 talking to baby
Express ur feelings

9 on their backs free to move
Tolerate their struggle

10 crying
Just acknowledge and communicate. I see you're unhappy. I wish I knew what was making you unhappy. 
No rocking. Just calmness and less stimulation. 

11 holding
Don't hold all the time
No constant carrier

12 thumb vs paci
Thumb more natural and preferred and will only be used as long as necessary
Child not parent in control
Crying should be allowed form of self expression 

13 at their own time, in their own way 
Learning by moving
Readiness

14 predictability: helping child feel secure
Move slowly
Tell baby ahead of time what will happen
For travel, take many familiar objects like sheets, blankies, toys and maintain regular same schedule
Don't allow child to be passed around like a ball between family members
Don't interrupt with unimportant things like checking diaper or making comment

15 learning to observe
Observe more, do less
Don't project own thoughts

16 and wait
Don't interrupt
Selective intervention 
Let problems resolve themselves 
I think you can handle it but if not I'm here

17 authentic infant competent child
The less u assume about the baby, the more u learn
Say ur true emotions
Don't throw in air like object
Don't stifle their negative emotions
Don't stimulate or excite or tickle just go get a reaction out or make happy. Just be responsive to their invitations. 
Don't smile at crying child. Manipulative. 
Sensitive observation

18 quality time
Full unhurried attention
Wants nothing: taking in and waiting
Wants something: have expectations for cooperation. Dressing, bathing. Ok to allow some play initially but be firm when time to move on. Matter of fact and not aggressive. 

19 diapering
Not chore to hurry through or have to distract from
Invite him to participate in undressing by requesting help

20 feeding
Don't use food as means to soothe
Infant weight scale to judge feedings
Only feed when baby really hungry
Only feed as long as baby is vigorously working on it 
Give small bowl and spoon to baby so he feeds self from there and refill from larger bowl
Feed on lap or in small chair where baby feet can touch floor 
Appetite drops around 1 year when rate of growth drops
Have baby eat separately and parents eat when baby in bed for more pleasurable eating for parents. Kids can join family meal when can participate in table conversations. 
Never talk child into eating more
When shows any disinterest don't give any more at all
Don't use food as reward

21 sleeping
Predictable daily routine
Plenty of time outdoors
Room sized outdoor playpen
Napping outdoors
Slow paced day
Recognize tiredness
Put to bed very early in evening
Put to bed awake
Bedtime ritual gradually darkening and quieting
Comment as you go through cleanup routine to provide bridge between tonight and tomorrow 
Talk to lovey or bear
Sing lullaby or wind up music box

22 choosing play objects
Scarf
Containers
Balls
Beach toys
Ice cube trays
Bread basket
Empty soda bottles
Plastic chains
Boxes
Active infant, passive object

23 outdoor living
Playpen outside then room sized fenced in area

24 discipline and the goal
Children need expectations and rules
Child has hard time growing up with ambivalent parents
Don't try to keep child happy always
Training that develops self control and character

25 house rules
Give child choices within secure framework
Be consistent but not rigid. predictability. Habits. Patterns and routines. Continue bedtime routine until child indicates the need for some change. 
Even children need to be able to save face and avoid power struggles
Simple age appropriate rules
Expect deep down rule to be followed

26 praise or acknowledgement
Gentle validations instead of instructions criticism or praise
Do not praise child happily playing
Do not praise child performing for adults
Praise child for social adaption doing difficult things like sharing or waiting

27 opposing needs, different points of view
Switch to infant point of view
Respect your own needs. Ok for child to wait. 

28 adapting to new developments
Change is continual

29 separation and stranger anxiety 
Give baby practice doing her own separating to explore and initiating separations

30 sharing and conflicts
Learned by watching models of behavior
Requires advanced mental concept that develop much later
Wait during conflicts
Start with least amount of intervention
State the conflict in nonjudgmental way

31 biting
Totally normal part of development
Toddlers don't understand waiting
Give teething toy for biting
I won't let you bite others. If you feel like biting, you can bite this or this. 

32 toddlers
Constant struggle
Huge struggle for child between opposites in him
Energy patience and compassion

33 toilet training
Unnecessary to teach when child ready. Will know what to do.
No praise or rewards
Trust ur child

34 parent support groups

35 decisions on working
Postpone full time work for first couple years

36 infant care alternatives
One caregiver
Care center
Care center at work

37 fads and trends / what's the rush
Infants “need” stimulation
Too much too early

38 absolutely safe
Safe room with gates at doors

39 equipment necessary 
Low chair and table
Gates at doors
Don't put baby into position he cannot get out of himself

40 wishes for future

41 on loving
Be available rather than intrusive
I am here to help you but I do not know what you need. Try to tell me. Tolerate the crying if don't understand. First try to understand before try to make stop. 

42 RIE difference

43 one family one Saturday
Alternate full attention and independent play
Communicate all transitions

44 appreciating RIE

45 educaring examples

46 pikler work
Pikler babies
Safe quiet environment 

47 about RIE
48 visit to a RIE infant center
49 RIE in family child care home

I totally fell into the trap of thinking that I needed to use flash cards with the baby, even though in the back of my mind I had a sneaking suspicion that it didn't make sense. Finally I understand why after reading Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn -- and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less by Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, and Diane Eyer.

I enjoyed the book a lot and liked that they wrote the book based on reviewing published scientific literature on each subject like reading, math, and social skills. I also liked the little games and activities mentioned to allow you to see how your baby's brain changes over the course of months or years. My biggest takeaway: babies learn the best just from normal play and everyday interactions.


​Intro
Not about raising going geniuses
Not about fancy toys or classes 
Relax more and let them play
About raising happy healthy intelligent kids
Play = learning 
Scientific basis, reviewing published studies


1 plight of modern parent
Too early teaching and overscheduling and pressure
Focus on outcome instead of process
Enjoyment
Silliness
Downtime to just be and reflect
Academic preschools provide no academic advantage over play based. Less creative and more anxious.

Reflect, resist, and re-center
Consider new class/toy and if worth lowering amount of unstructured play time. Resist. Reassure self that what's best for child's learning is play. 
Everyday purposeful activities more important
See world around you and daily activities as full of opportunities to learn different things


2 brainchild: how babies are wired to learn
Mozart doesn't make baby smarter

Myths
Of Parents as brain sculptors
That research provides manual for building better brain

Hype and urgency over first years
Bigger brain not necessarily better
Pruning of synapses over time is natural development and growth
Brain always growing and changing
More stimulation not always better
Enriched environment rats did better than solitary confinement rats, but Rats remaining in nature had best brains of all
No child is in such unenriched environment. 
Lots of brain development occurs independently of experience
Experience expectant behaviors (vision, speech, athletic abilities) programmed by genes to unfold expecting the experiences to happen and not needing to be architects by parents
experience dependent skills like reading and chess picked up by brains throughout life and don't depend at all on early learning
Ordinary experiences sufficient for experience expectant skills
Second language teaching and musical training likely more effective if started early but window of opportunity large (10 years)
Neurological crowding: early learning may crowd out other important synaptic connections 

First 3 years and critical period theory
Language learning and visual learning are behaviors with critical periods
Most Windows close slowly with development and relate to basic sensory and motor capacities not higher mental ones
Responsive periods do not exist at all for experience dependent behaviors
No need to over enrich environment
Relax


3 playing the numbers: how children learn about quantity
Best way to learn math is by playing with and investigating objects in their world
Must first learn counting and concept of number line
Babies just have sensitivity to quantity/rough amounts like more or less but not numbers

Number sensitivity not same as math
Not about memorizing names for quantities 

Number vs amount of stuff
Infants pay more attention to amount not number of stuff and can tell more vs less
“Counting on” strategy develops around age 5. Game for 4-6yo: count 3 items and then add 2 more and ask how many and see if counts from beginning
Children learn on their own when number matter or when amount matters
Game: line up objects in parallel lines for one to one correspondence
Game for 3-6yo: conservation experiment with same number but more spread out rows

Counting principles
Children learn on own by playing with objects and talking about numbers with people
One to one principle (each item counted only once). 2.5yo
Stable order principle (numbers in fixed order)
Game 2-4yo: count multiple sets of objects
Cardinal principle: number of items in set is same as last number tag
Abstraction Prínciple: can count anything
Order irrelevance principle: doesn't matter where you start counting
Game 2-4: ask child to count different types of things to see how he counts. Ask to start count at different objects. Ask why total is same. 

Number line
Game 3-6: take 3 sets and ask which is biggest and smallest and if middle set bigger or smaller than other ones

Counting and comparing
5-6 yo can do both
Simple addition and subtraction word problems you make up as part of daily living
Homemade number line game moving up and down towards finish line with dice roll. Comparing who is ahead. Having some spaces that make u move back or forward extra. 
Games: sorting forks from knives into sets, counting objects, exploring patterns
Game 4-5: put X number of items in bag X for X up to 5. Dump out 2 bag contents and compare which has more or less. 
Parents provide different levels of scaffolding and support as kids age

Blocks not videos. Line up, compare.
Find the numbers everywhere. Shopping trip. Putting out napkins. 
Playing. War card game. Money coin games. 
Learn in context. Lemonade stand. Shopping for big and small apples. Board games for 3-4. Candy land. Baking. 


4 language: the power of babble
Parents don't have to be teachers
Common daily interactions are enough
Interact with kids over what grabs their attention already
Babies in charge of directing the interaction
Babies negotiate and grunt for objects they want for several turns while adult names different ones
Game 9-18mo: negotiation process practice with desired object placed away
Wide range in normal development
Only species where language is instinct
Left brain for speaking and right for expressing emotion
Babies in womb already prefer mom's voice and native tongue from birth. Already learning patterns. 
4 month olds divide up sentences and recognize own name
Game 4-8m: sneak up and say name with same stress pattern and syllables and see if responds
Babies learn words following their name. After 7.5 months don't need their name anymore. Will remember words heard in sentences. 

Gazing and pointing
Game 6-12m: follow ur gaze and pointing finger. Just say baby's name to get attention and look elsewhere. 

Babble and language
First year about figuring out sounds
Second year for meaning
First word is such that has same meaning each time it's used, used for intention to communicate, and used across contexts (picture and real thing)
Game 9-18m: make list of first baby words with date first said and 3 columns (consistent meaning, attempt to communicate, variety of instances) and see when doing all these things and long it took to get to that from first usage and what context first usage was in
Baby signs do help language development.
Game 10-18m: teach some signs
50 words by 18 months. Once know 50, vocabulary quickly explodes (9 new words per day)
Game 18-30m: write down first word combinations and what trying to say. 
3-4 years: figure out grammar all on their own
Game 24-36m: wug test to see what grammar rules child has internalized. Repeat every 4 months to track progress. 

4th year: pragmatics
How and when what language is used
They figure out social rules themselves. Mimic us. 
Game 12-24m: notice how you train pragmatics/social conventions of speech
Tell lots of stories about your childhood

Parents role as language partner
Keep the conversation going
Brainstorm silly ways to put away toys like with toes and ask questions

Talk about what child observing and doing
Build on what he says
Learn to separate languages around 2-2.5
Baby talk has benefits
No need to correct children's speech
Be a conversation elicitor not closer


5 literacy, reading
Ask child questions about what reading
Just make reading fun and not work
Reading aloud is most important activity
Early reading training doesn't keep kids ahead
Just read and discuss content of book
Vocabulary biggest predictor of reading ability
Storytelling second major skill. Creates decontextualized language. 
Game 3-5y: show picture book and have child make up story. Repeat every 6 months to see how story evolves and record them. Or ask them to complete story after prompt like the funniest thing that happened to me today was
Listen attentively to what kids say. Respond substantively. 
Phonological awareness. Words make up sounds. 
Games: Play games with language by singing songs or reading poems with rhymes. Seuss. Popular song replacing first letter “Mary fary bo Barry…” Alphabet song. Look for objects from car that start with certain letters. Say a word and ask child to say it without one of its parts. 
Game 8-20m: every 3 months record what baby does with picture book (eat, grab pics off page, point)
Game 18m-3y: hand new book and see if knows what direction it goes and where is front and how pages turn and ask if story is in pictures or words
Game 2-4y: make 4 cards with letter, 4 with word, with design/squiggle/shape, and with pic (16 total). Ask child to separate writing from non-writing. Ask which ones he can name. Repeat every 3-4mo.
No need to formally teach letter names. Just read a lot and do literacy activities. 
Game 3y: ask child to tell you a story and type it up halfway down page and then after ask him to illustrate it on top with picture. Ask about something recently done or which he found exciting. May need to ask leading questions. 
Game 15-24m: when will kid make first mark on paper/fundamental graphic act. Provide a pencil without a point and some paper every few months. What happens when give him one with point. 
Letter orientation initially confused because it's the first time orientation of something matters. Relax. 
Go to library and allow picking out own book
Read daily and show how u read for fun
Magnet letters for child to find letters of his name and spell out. Copy spelling of product in kitchen with label. 
Lots of blank paper in different colors and writing materials 
Alphabet and number blocks
Stamps to learn the letters. Show name spelling of someone and have child find stamps for letters and copy it over in stamps. 
Tell kids stories. Make up own stories together. 
Try word games. See how many words you can say starting with same sound. Take compound word and ask what it is without one part. Read rhyming poetry (shel Silverstein). 
Dialogic reading. Ask to consider other outcomes, relate what's on page to own experience, talk about sounds and letters. 
Encourage child to take active role during reading. Point at pics and name pics. Predict what will happen next or how characters feel. What would happen if story didn't turn out the way it did. 
Give feedback. Repeat back what they say but correctly. Expand on what they say. 
Up the ante during reading. Ask for names of parts of an object he knows. 
Take turns describing pics. Pretend to make mistakes so child corrects you. 


6 define intelligence
Children learn best through play
IQ doesn't predict life success
Gifted iq > 120
Gifted motivate themselves
Watch what child interested in and support and build on his motivation to play
Everyday experiences sufficient
Mistakes they make are important for their learning
Game 3-6y: conservation game test for seeing same amounts in different forms
Scaffolding to help child in zone of proximal development
Intelligence different from achievement/knowledge/skill
Reduce number of steps so child can reach goal
Stress effort not achievement


7 developing sense of self
Babies not parents construct it
Don't praise for intelligence
Preschooler overly confident
Recognize self in mirror by 21 months
Game 12-24m: secretly put lipstick on baby nose and have him look in mirror to see if he reacts differently
12-18m start to prefer toys that are gender specific
2-3y know own gender
3-5y know own race
Game 2-7y: try every 6 months with a magazine. Ask to point to pictures of adults and kids of different races and genders and clothes and ask to point to specific ones you name. Ask him why.
Responding to baby discomfort promotes their ability to communicate
Temperament genetic
Need to first recognize self as separate entity to be evaluated around 2-3y before know right or wrong
Slowly learn to regulate own emotion
Emotional regulation develops through parents talking to kids about their emotions
Game 3-6: use picture book to help kid talk through emotions. Ask why event occurred. Ask how character feels. 
Don't praise ability or intelligence. Effort and persistence better. 
Pay attention to how u talk about kids in front of them
Treat child as individual and accept if different from u
Let them know anything is possible
Talk with them about feelings
Value emotional intelligence


8 how children develop social intelligence
Social skills need to be learned like academic
Learned best on the job
Better social skills do better at independent learning
Game 1-2.5y: fake sadness and crying and see if child shows empathy
To deal with frustration, show silver lining 
2yo not ready to share yet because don't have perspective of other
Game 12-24m: see what month baby considers ur perspective and feeds u food u want (pretend to like one food and dislike another and ask him to feed u a few min later)
Development of theory of mind (others think differently) around 4yo
Game 2-5yo: try false belief test
Young child before theory of mind can't act vengefully or cause annoyance on purpose because can't understand reaction of other
Childish lies before theory of mind develops are not real lies just wishes
Look for opportunities to discuss other people's feelings and what would feel if different things happened
Ask about characters in stories u read. How does he feel? How would u feel if u were he? What can his friends do to help him feel better?
Explain that there are causes for people's feelings
Stop bullying. More socially competent and with more friends less bullied. Intrusive controlling parenting creates vulnerability and more likely to be bullied. Develop a good friendship. 
Make space for social time
Build strong ties with teachers and ask daily how doing with other kids. 
Don't ignore or belittle feelings.
See world through kids eyes. 


9 play
Promotes all forms of learning and creativity
Level of play rises when parents join in
Exploratory play (touching)
Functional (moving car)
Symbolic (fantasy make believe with objects as symbols)
Parents shouldn't lead play but can show things to raise level of play
Game 12-42m: watch independent play vs when adult joins in and suggests make believe scenarios. See if child plays on own in abstract way or just exploratory. 
Pleasurable and enjoyable
No extrinsic goals
Spontaneous and voluntary 
Active engagement
Make believe 
Free play as opposed to organized activities or classes promotes initiative
First babies just explore objects one at a time
Then will use multiple and create relations between them
Later will use in appropriate ways based on each object
And will start using imagination which means they can think symbolically, one object standing in for another. No longer need to use toy only for what it's meant. 
Game 6-16m: give 2 toys with hidden functions one by one and see if makes inference from first toy to how to play with second toy
Teaches math understanding
Wide range of toy materials helps
Blocks
Clay
Convergent toys (only one right way to play like puzzles) help academics but divergent toys (no one right way like blocks) help creativity and problem solving
Advanced pretend play helps with divergent problem solving and more advanced language
Pretending with objects then with self then with others. Multiple actions for objects. 
Pretend play is dealing with symbols and so is language. Increasing complexity of pretend play linked to increasing complexity of language in words and sentence length. All kids go through same series of development steps. 
Will learn to substitute more dissimilar objects and eventually just imagine them
Game 8m-2y: put out objects like dolls, stuffed animals, combs, baby bottles, trucks, sponge, telephone. Record age and what he does with the objects each time and what level of pretend play is exhibited and what level of language he has (single words, combos, sentences). Note what objects used as substitutes and if they resemble the target
After 2.5y start to pretend play with other kids
Play creates zone of proximal development
Helps child separate thought and action and learn self regulation
Talking to themselves they work out their fantasy and how it works
Internalize scripts from culture about how world works and rules of game/world
Game 3-5y: listen to script of child's play
Play helps them work through difficult emotional events
Allows practice of storytelling and separating story from past experience and creation of inner worlds
Up to 1yo doing parallel play / independent of others
13-14m cooperative play but not sharing
Age 2 take on roles
3-4yo do routines
Stories start to take longer and they need to negotiate social situations
Imaginary friends fine
Game: Ask child to tell you story of event that happened somewhere to him and then have him and other kids play act the story
Eventually will learn to follow rules not just make up
Playing alone outside and with friends
Set up pretend play sequence and let child take it from there
“Imagination is” game: sit on bed and cover eyes with blanket and go around saying imagination is and filling in sentence with fantasy or place to travel


10 exceptional learning
Teaching facts out of box removes self initiative and provides learning that isn't transferable to other contexts
The best learning is that within reach
Emphasize process over product
EQ not just IQ
Learn in context and play
Eat dinner together
Dictionary game: each person makes up word and definition and others guess if it's real
Game night
Reading night
Walk night
Monthly weekend family trip to local site or museum
Monthly weekend cooked dinner
Reggio Emilia 
Reflect resist recenter