Notes on Dear Parent by Magda Gerber

After really enjoying Janet Lansbury's books, I decided to go to some of the "primary source" material to learn more about RIE, and that meant starting to read Magda Gerber's books. The first one I just finished is Dear Parent: Caring for Infants with Respect by Magda Gerber.

A lot of it is echoed in Janet's writing, but it was nice to hear Magda's tone directly come through in her prose and examples. With the millions of parenting philosophies and opinions out there and the millions of tiny decisions parents have to make everyday, I really liked how this book took a stand on many controversial issues (sleep, thumb vs. paci, feeding, etc.) and gave a direct recommendation along with its reasoning.

Each chapter was short and direct, and together they covered pretty much every major aspect of parenting in the first year or so.
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Enjoy more, work less

1 educaring: meeting needs of infants and parents
Educate while you care and opposite
Respect
Goal is an authentic child
Trust their competence
Sensitive observation
Involve child in caregiving
Safe and challenging environment
Uninterrupted play
Consistency

2 caregiving routines: one to one with full attention
Refueling time for both
Take phone off hook before and tell him

3 teaching and learning
Don't teach or interfere with learning
Free movement, free play
Tell child what he or you are doing
You seem thirsty. Do you want this drink?
Let's put your shirt on. Are you ready to put your arm in the sleeve?
The street isn't safe. I cannot let you run after your ball. 

4 time apart: space for baby
Safe environment is when infant can survive the day if adult locked out by accident
Playpen outside
First toy: big scarf on floor in form of peak
Don't have to sit with baby all the time. Can leave to do own work and check in. 

5 allowing infants to do what they can do
Observe and wait
Do you want to be picked up
Your ball got stuck. What can you do? This upsets you. Let him solve problem. 
Only provide smallest help needed so baby can take over

6 responsibility of parenthood
Ongoingness and unfreeness of being a parent 
Child demands technicalities of caregiving no matter what
Conflict of needs
Adult not baby needs to adjust
Let go and don't push
Ok to go away at times
Investment in the future

7 at home with newborn 
No errands with baby first 6-8 weeks. Peace at home. 

8 talking to baby
Express ur feelings

9 on their backs free to move
Tolerate their struggle

10 crying
Just acknowledge and communicate. I see you're unhappy. I wish I knew what was making you unhappy. 
No rocking. Just calmness and less stimulation. 

11 holding
Don't hold all the time
No constant carrier

12 thumb vs paci
Thumb more natural and preferred and will only be used as long as necessary
Child not parent in control
Crying should be allowed form of self expression 

13 at their own time, in their own way 
Learning by moving
Readiness

14 predictability: helping child feel secure
Move slowly
Tell baby ahead of time what will happen
For travel, take many familiar objects like sheets, blankies, toys and maintain regular same schedule
Don't allow child to be passed around like a ball between family members
Don't interrupt with unimportant things like checking diaper or making comment

15 learning to observe
Observe more, do less
Don't project own thoughts

16 and wait
Don't interrupt
Selective intervention 
Let problems resolve themselves 
I think you can handle it but if not I'm here

17 authentic infant competent child
The less u assume about the baby, the more u learn
Say ur true emotions
Don't throw in air like object
Don't stifle their negative emotions
Don't stimulate or excite or tickle just go get a reaction out or make happy. Just be responsive to their invitations. 
Don't smile at crying child. Manipulative. 
Sensitive observation

18 quality time
Full unhurried attention
Wants nothing: taking in and waiting
Wants something: have expectations for cooperation. Dressing, bathing. Ok to allow some play initially but be firm when time to move on. Matter of fact and not aggressive. 

19 diapering
Not chore to hurry through or have to distract from
Invite him to participate in undressing by requesting help

20 feeding
Don't use food as means to soothe
Infant weight scale to judge feedings
Only feed when baby really hungry
Only feed as long as baby is vigorously working on it 
Give small bowl and spoon to baby so he feeds self from there and refill from larger bowl
Feed on lap or in small chair where baby feet can touch floor 
Appetite drops around 1 year when rate of growth drops
Have baby eat separately and parents eat when baby in bed for more pleasurable eating for parents. Kids can join family meal when can participate in table conversations. 
Never talk child into eating more
When shows any disinterest don't give any more at all
Don't use food as reward

21 sleeping
Predictable daily routine
Plenty of time outdoors
Room sized outdoor playpen
Napping outdoors
Slow paced day
Recognize tiredness
Put to bed very early in evening
Put to bed awake
Bedtime ritual gradually darkening and quieting
Comment as you go through cleanup routine to provide bridge between tonight and tomorrow 
Talk to lovey or bear
Sing lullaby or wind up music box

22 choosing play objects
Scarf
Containers
Balls
Beach toys
Ice cube trays
Bread basket
Empty soda bottles
Plastic chains
Boxes
Active infant, passive object

23 outdoor living
Playpen outside then room sized fenced in area

24 discipline and the goal
Children need expectations and rules
Child has hard time growing up with ambivalent parents
Don't try to keep child happy always
Training that develops self control and character

25 house rules
Give child choices within secure framework
Be consistent but not rigid. predictability. Habits. Patterns and routines. Continue bedtime routine until child indicates the need for some change. 
Even children need to be able to save face and avoid power struggles
Simple age appropriate rules
Expect deep down rule to be followed

26 praise or acknowledgement
Gentle validations instead of instructions criticism or praise
Do not praise child happily playing
Do not praise child performing for adults
Praise child for social adaption doing difficult things like sharing or waiting

27 opposing needs, different points of view
Switch to infant point of view
Respect your own needs. Ok for child to wait. 

28 adapting to new developments
Change is continual

29 separation and stranger anxiety 
Give baby practice doing her own separating to explore and initiating separations

30 sharing and conflicts
Learned by watching models of behavior
Requires advanced mental concept that develop much later
Wait during conflicts
Start with least amount of intervention
State the conflict in nonjudgmental way

31 biting
Totally normal part of development
Toddlers don't understand waiting
Give teething toy for biting
I won't let you bite others. If you feel like biting, you can bite this or this. 

32 toddlers
Constant struggle
Huge struggle for child between opposites in him
Energy patience and compassion

33 toilet training
Unnecessary to teach when child ready. Will know what to do.
No praise or rewards
Trust ur child

34 parent support groups

35 decisions on working
Postpone full time work for first couple years

36 infant care alternatives
One caregiver
Care center
Care center at work

37 fads and trends / what's the rush
Infants “need” stimulation
Too much too early

38 absolutely safe
Safe room with gates at doors

39 equipment necessary 
Low chair and table
Gates at doors
Don't put baby into position he cannot get out of himself

40 wishes for future

41 on loving
Be available rather than intrusive
I am here to help you but I do not know what you need. Try to tell me. Tolerate the crying if don't understand. First try to understand before try to make stop. 

42 RIE difference

43 one family one Saturday
Alternate full attention and independent play
Communicate all transitions

44 appreciating RIE

45 educaring examples

46 pikler work
Pikler babies
Safe quiet environment 

47 about RIE
48 visit to a RIE infant center
49 RIE in family child care home

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