 On multiple parenting suggested reading lists I kept seeing The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. I got a chance to read it and enjoyed it quite a bit. It was kind of a cross between How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Einstein Never Used Flashcards in terms of its focus on child brain development, psychology, and working through problems through conversation.
I liked the distinctions the book drew between upstairs and downstairs brains and left and right brains and how young children have a lot of trouble integrating these. I also liked the suggested activities/conversations to be had with kids along with specific scripts. Intro Moments of trying to just survive parenting are opportunities to teach and learn 1 parenting with brain in mind Distracting from big scary emotions leaves in loss Better to keep repeating discussion of impactful experience and let child process Integration of all parts of brain Speak to child about his feelings River of well being between bank of chaos and bank of rigidity 2 two brains better than one: integrating left and right 1 Connect and redirect. Don't defend yourself. Pull close and rub back Sometimes it's just really hard huh 1 use right brain to connect, touch, acknowledge feelings 2 redirect to left brain: explain and find solution. Better to discuss later when calm. When child upset, logic won't work Attunement: helping someone feel felt/heard 2 Name it to tame it. Tell stories to calm emotions. Retell story of traumatic story Talking through moment with child together Name emotions. Ask questions to facilitate. Draw picture of event or write down story Ask child to tell story of experience to someone else: forces left brain to make order of experience and emotion in right brain. Same reason why journaling works. Make homemade book of bad experience Whole brain kids story to read for 5-9 year olds 3 building staircase of brain: connecting upstairs and downstairs brain Previous chapter was left and right This one is up and down Downstairs is old reptilian instinctual Upstairs is new and logical and reasoning Upstairs not yet finished developing so need realistic expectations Amygdala is baby gate that floods emotion and blocks connection to upstairs brain. Sometimes physically can't use upstairs brain. Tantrums Upstairs tantrum: firm boundaries. Don't negotiate with terrorist. I understand u want x but y and if u don't z then n. Explain consequences. Downstairs tantrum: lower parts of brain hijack brain and body. More nurturing and comforting. Redirect. Loving touch. Hold close and talk down and remove from scene. Calm amygdala. Later talk about inappropriate behavior when calm. Engage don't enrage: appeal to upstairs brain You look like you're angry Use it or lose it for upstairs brain Exercise Practice making sound decisions themselves. Make own choice. Avoid solving or rescuing. Controlling emotions and body. Take deep breath Punch pillow Stop and think before hurting others Self understanding. Ask questions. Why do u think u made that choice? Why were you yelling? Give journal and encourage daily writing or drawing Empathy Ask questions about surroundings to discuss this. Why do you think that Baby is crying? That woman wasn't nice, what do you think must be going on for her to make her do that? Practice thinking of others Raise moral and ethical questions for discussion. Hypothetical situations. Move it or lose it Physical movement affects brain chemistry Smiling Breathing Walking Running First do jumping jack before unwanted activity Jump up and down when discouraged I know ur mad about x. It doesn't seem fair. Let's go ride our bikes and talk about it. 4 kill the butterflies: dealing with difficult memories Memory is just association. Not filing cabinet. Triggered memories create expectations for future Memories retrieved are altered Implicit memories Integrating implicit and explicit memories Reclaim memories Tell stories Remote of the mind: internal DVD player to replay memories. Child can say pause and fast forward to skip painful scenes. Then come back to those and go through slowly and talk through each scary element. Repeat over following days. Remember to remember Ask kids to practice telling and retelling stories Discuss memories of important family experiences they had Ask questions to prompt recollection. Did u go to bobs house today? What happened when u got there? Encourage journaling Play guessing game. Ask child to tell you two things that happened and one that didn't and u guess which. Daily recap at end of day of high low and act of kindness Look at photo albums together and describe Make memory book together after big experiences Unexamined disintegrated memories cause trouble for adults too. Need to process and discuss implicit memories. What's going on? Is this reminding me of something? 5 United States of me: integrating many parts of self Mindsight and wheel of awareness Understanding own mind and that of another Mind as bicycle wheel with rim anything we can be aware of. Hub as executive focus that can choose what to pay attention to Kids can get stuck focusing on certain rim points Confuse How they feel in one moment vs how they are always Choice of what you pay attention to Let clouds of emotion roll by Temporary states not traits Feelings temporary Sift Sensations Images Feelings Thoughts Game wher u Ask kids about each of these as they experience them Exercise getting back to the hub Practice moving attention to sounds and physical stuff and then extend to mental ones Think of breath going in and out 6 me we connection: integrating self and others Considering minds of others Insight plus empathy equals mindsight Mirror neurons Reactivity vs receptivity When in reactive state, physical stuff like hugs better Increase family fun factor and remember to enjoy each other. Spontaneous games. Improv games. Sidewalk chalk drawing together. Project for grandparent. Connection through conflict Practice seeing from others eyes Connect first then redirect Why do u think he might have done x Listen to what's not being said Make observations verbally about others body language and feelings Repair after conflict Need to take steps to right what's wrong Draw a picture or write a letter If it were u what would u what in this case Look at other to see their emotions and reaction Integrate your life narrative. Reflect on your parents. Conclusion Use everyday moments to teach Whole brain ages and stages chart References/others from author Parenting from inside out Mindsight
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 One of the books recommended by Janet Lansbury and some of the other RIE-inspired authors was 1, 2, 3 The Toddler Years by Irene Van der Zande. I enjoyed the book and its many pictures of safe play environments and how this can be implemented in home or daycare settings. The book gave a pretty good overview of the RIE approach as it applies to different parts of the early years.
Part one: respect for toddlers Each child special individual with important thoughts feelings and needs Opportunity to grow and learn at own pace Freedom to create and master own challenges 1 let me choose Happier when have some control over lives I need to change your diaper. Do you want to bring your picture with you or leave it here. Do you want to walk or be carried Do you want to do it now or in a few min. Drink x or y. Use one color cup or another. Come here or have me get you. Close ended questions with choices we can live with Don't offer choice by mistake by being polite. Do you want to take your nap now? Don't add ok? To end It's time to take your nap now. Do you want to bring your book or leave it here. Give child chance to think after offering choice If can't decide: I'll help you choose so we can leave. Here's your jacket. 2 my feelings should be free Ok to have big feelings and accept them I know you don't want x but I'm still going to x because y Give names to feelings. You did x. You look y. Don't label any as good or bad You didn't like x. It made you mad. Do you want to sit in my lap? Your still upset. I'm here to help you if you need me. 3 stop me when enough is enough Firm calm limit tone I want you to be gentle I don't like it when you run away I have to put this book away until we fix it. Here are some old papers you can tear up. You look mad. I won't let you hit others. You can hit those balls with a soft bat. 4 I can understand more than you think Talk to them about what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen Short sentences 5 let me work it out for myself Give just enough help so child can succeed Talk through steps of putting on clothes and have them participate 6 I need special time with you Play game of washing dishes and talking together Little moments daily, not big events periodically They live in here and now 7 plan ahead Environment Schedule Activities 8 I'm not sleepy 9 saying goodbye is sad Ok to feel sad Be firm when leaving 10 mine Will share when ready Model sharing and mention when u do it Appreciate when they share and tell them the consequences 11 fighting part of life too Let them work out for selves Describe what's happening and show where other toys are Step in and put arms around kid who is physically hurting other 12 biting Stop before happens when kid mad Give things that are ok to bite Act calm not upset Teach them to yell stop instead of biting 13 tantrums Reflect back what u see happening Help him have chance of contributing to solution by offering choices Not a time to hold child You can lie on the pillows and kick but I won't let you kick me When you're done screaming, we’ll get some dry pants and you can play Tantrum in public: don't give in. Just move out to private space like car or another room until it calms. To avoid, tell them what to expect. 14 wait until I'm ready for toilet learning Need to be able to control body and understand process with mind On their own time just like walking Readiness signs: dry diapers for longer periods, notifying us they pooped or peed in diaper, showing interest in sitting on toilet or wanting to wear underwear, disliking wet or soiled diapers Don't do it when other stresses or changes at home Teach words about body parts and functions Read books about using toilet Practice sitting on potty Talk about time when won't need diapers and can wear underwear like big kids Stay relaxed. Not too excited when child succeeds. Training pants only after child dry in diapers for long periods and uses toilet regularly Accidents are time for calm cleaning up not scolding Don't force them to use stranger toilets if only want at home Find other places to use in emergency besides bathroom when just learning Takes longer to gain control at night than day 15 only very small difference between girls and boys What child can do or have not dependent on if boy or girl Talk to boys about their caring behavior All kids wear sturdy clothes not frilly dresses Talk to girls about what do well not just how look Talk to boy about how look not just what does Let little girls make big noises Tell stories of men cleaning and women fixing 16 I like to eat my way Offer very small servings Offer choices before cooking but once decided can't go back Let them make own food like spread own peanut butter Say what we do want from them instead of what don't want I don't like it when you When you yell I can't understand I want you to x When more interested in playing then meal is done Horseshoe table, cloth wipes, meals outside when possible Start with a song Only kids sitting at table can eat but can leave anytime Can you pick a chair and bring it Who wants to help me pull the peel off Can you wipe face yourself or do you want me to do it for you 17 new siblings Private times with each parent 18 out in public Prepare special things for them and set up environment they can do well in Part 2 successful parenting Not perfection Just best you can 19 learn from others 20 trust self 21 take care of yourself Afternoon quiet hour each day. Kids in beds with books or toys. Parents have time to selves. Go out alone to do something fun at least weekly Special toys and projects just for time when ur home and getting evening ready so kids play independently 22 keep child safe Model right behavior Don't leave alone in public or in car or in bath Teach simple phrases like stop, I don't like that, move away Model greeting others and let child decide when and how to do it at his own pace Kids don't have to hug or kiss anyone or sit on anyone's lap unless they want to Touch or games should be safe, choice of each person, allowed by grown ups in charge, and never secret No secrets from mom and dad Always hold hand in street Teach safety by using puppets and toys to act out in fun way 23 help child face grief and loss Acting younger helps them feel safe Imagine through their eyes and put feelings and thoughts into the open and explain explicitly Read together Books about feelings of loss 24 ask for help when u need it Ok to be mad at kids but not scare or hurt them Ask someone to take them when feelings too strong Call for help Parent support hotlines 25 stop feeling guilty We are only part of children's lives. They have freedom of own thoughts and actions. 26 enjoy your child Fun can get spoiled by “have to”s Part 3 finding and keeping quality childcare Question list Books and resources This post is very late too, but better late than never. 2016 was an insanely busy and sleep-depriving year. The birth of my son is probably the biggest change in my life, followed only very closely by marriage. It's insane how it changes everything, and I felt totally unprepared. I've learned a lot about how we grow up to be the people we are, and I've read way too many books about baby sleep. Favorite booksNon-fiction (non-baby): 1. The Truth: Nice follow-up to The Game, and it's a fun read that somewhat mirrors the developments/progress in my own life. 2. Do the Work: Another nice follow-up to The War of Art, a book I loved. Really kicks your butt into gear to execute. 3. Peak: Heard about this on the Freakonomics podcast and enjoyed its exploration of deliberate practice. Quite applicable to magic and other fields. Baby: 4. Elevating Child Care: Really nice coverage of the RIE approach with practical tips and dialogue. 5. No Bad Kids: Toddler-specific applications of RIE principles. 6. Dear Parent: Concise and to-the-point explanation of all aspects of a baby's life by the founder of RIE itself, Magda Gerber. 7. Bringing Up Bebe: Nice, fun story I identified a lot with. Plus I reminisced about and enjoyed the descriptions of Paris. 8. Baby-Led Weaning: Foundational text on the solids introduction approach that made the most sense to me and worked best for us. 9. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen: Really helpful read, probably more for down the line in a few years, but still really nice frameworks and ideas and sample dialogues in here. 10. Einstein Never Used Flashcards: Great overview of the published scientific papers around baby brain development and what kinds of games, toys, and activities make the most sense. Actually backs up a lot of elements of the RIE method. Fiction: 11. One Hundred Years of Solitude: This book kept coming up on Tim Ferriss's podcast, and it certainly was an interesting and complex read. I kind of got bogged down by the many characters and details after a while but enjoyed the way it was written and the entire world created by the author. 12. A Moveable Feast: Anything about Paris automatically earns brownie points. Magic: 13. In Order to Amaze: Insanely devious and well-constructed routines and principles in here. 14. Mnemonica: The encyclopedia on this very powerful piece of card magic and a lot of fun to read. 15. The Magic of Ascanio: Foundational text on magic theory and construction, inspiring so many ideas that many rely and build on today. New experiences
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