Notes on 1, 2, 3 The Toddler Years by Irene Van der Zande

One of the books recommended by Janet Lansbury and some of the other RIE-inspired authors was 1, 2, 3 The Toddler Years by Irene Van der Zande. I enjoyed the book and its many pictures of safe play environments and how this can be implemented in home or daycare settings. The book gave a pretty good overview of the RIE approach as it applies to different parts of the early years.


Part one: respect for toddlers
Each child special individual with important thoughts feelings and needs
Opportunity to grow and learn at own pace
Freedom to create and master own challenges

1 let me choose
Happier when have some control over lives
I need to change your diaper. Do you want to bring your picture with you or leave it here. Do you want to walk or be carried
Do you want to do it now or in a few min. Drink x or y. Use one color cup or another. Come here or have me get you.
Close ended questions with choices we can live with
Don't offer choice by mistake by being polite. Do you want to take your nap now? Don't add ok? To end
It's time to take your nap now. Do you want to bring your book or leave it here. 
Give child chance to think after offering choice
If can't decide: I'll help you choose so we can leave. Here's your jacket. 

2 my feelings should be free
Ok to have big feelings and accept them
I know you don't want x but I'm still going to x because y
Give names to feelings. You did x. You look y. 
Don't label any as good or bad
You didn't like x. It made you mad. Do you want to sit in my lap? Your still upset. I'm here to help you if you need me. 

3 stop me when enough is enough
Firm calm limit tone
I want you to be gentle
I don't like it when you run away
I have to put this book away until we fix it. Here are some old papers you can tear up. 
You look mad. I won't let you hit others. You can hit those balls with a soft bat. 

4 I can understand more than you think
Talk to them about what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen
Short sentences

5 let me work it out for myself
Give just enough help so child can succeed
Talk through steps of putting on clothes and have them participate

6 I need special time with you
Play game of washing dishes and talking together
Little moments daily, not big events periodically
They live in here and now

7 plan ahead
Environment
Schedule
Activities

8 I'm not sleepy

9 saying goodbye is sad
Ok to feel sad
Be firm when leaving

10 mine
Will share when ready
Model sharing and mention when u do it
Appreciate when they share and tell them the consequences

11 fighting part of life too
Let them work out for selves
Describe what's happening and show where other toys are
Step in and put arms around kid who is physically hurting other

12 biting
Stop before happens when kid mad
Give things that are ok to bite
Act calm not upset
Teach them to yell stop instead of biting

13 tantrums
Reflect back what u see happening
Help him have chance of contributing to solution by offering choices
Not a time to hold child
You can lie on the pillows and kick but I won't let you kick me
When you're done screaming, we’ll get some dry pants and you can play
Tantrum in public: don't give in. Just move out to private space like car or another room until it calms. 
To avoid, tell them what to expect. 

14 wait until I'm ready for toilet learning
Need to be able to control body and understand process with mind
On their own time just like walking
Readiness signs: dry diapers for longer periods, notifying us they pooped or peed in diaper, showing interest in sitting on toilet or wanting to wear underwear, disliking wet or soiled diapers
Don't do it when other stresses or changes at home
Teach words about body parts and functions
Read books about using toilet
Practice sitting on potty
Talk about time when won't need diapers and can wear underwear like big kids
Stay relaxed. Not too excited when child succeeds. 
Training pants only after child dry in diapers for long periods and uses toilet regularly
Accidents are time for calm cleaning up not scolding
Don't force them to use stranger toilets if only want at home
Find other places to use in emergency besides bathroom when just learning
Takes longer to gain control at night than day

15 only very small difference between girls and boys
What child can do or have not dependent on if boy or girl
Talk to boys about their caring behavior
All kids wear sturdy clothes not frilly dresses
Talk to girls about what do well not just how look
Talk to boy about how look not just what does
Let little girls make big noises
Tell stories of men cleaning and women fixing

16 I like to eat my way
Offer very small servings
Offer choices before cooking but once decided can't go back
Let them make own food like spread own peanut butter
Say what we do want from them instead of what don't want
I don't like it when you
When you yell I can't understand
I want you to x
When more interested in playing then meal is done
Horseshoe table, cloth wipes, meals outside when possible
Start with a song
Only kids sitting at table can eat but can leave anytime
Can you pick a chair and bring it
Who wants to help me pull the peel off
Can you wipe face yourself or do you want me to do it for you

17 new siblings
Private times with each parent

18 out in public
Prepare special things for them and set up environment they can do well in


Part 2 successful parenting
Not perfection
Just best you can

19 learn from others

20 trust self

21 take care of yourself 
Afternoon quiet hour each day. Kids in beds with books or toys. Parents have time to selves. 
Go out alone to do something fun at least weekly
Special toys and projects just for time when ur home and getting evening ready so kids play independently

22 keep child safe
Model right behavior
Don't leave alone in public or in car or in bath
Teach simple phrases like stop, I don't like that, move away
Model greeting others and let child decide when and how to do it at his own pace
Kids don't have to hug or kiss anyone or sit on anyone's lap unless they want to
Touch or games should be safe, choice of each person, allowed by grown ups in charge, and never secret
No secrets from mom and dad
Always hold hand in street
Teach safety by using puppets and toys to act out in fun way

23 help child face grief and loss
Acting younger helps them feel safe
Imagine through their eyes and put feelings and thoughts into the open and explain explicitly
Read together Books about feelings of loss

24 ask for help when u need it
Ok to be mad at kids but not scare or hurt them
Ask someone to take them when feelings too strong
Call for help
Parent support hotlines

25 stop feeling guilty
We are only part of children's lives. They have freedom of own thoughts and actions. 

26 enjoy your child
Fun can get spoiled by “have to”s


Part 3 finding and keeping quality childcare
Question list
Books and resources

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