 In the course of one week, a fellow parent and a parenting class teacher both recommended to me the book No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. I enjoyed the prior book in this series by the same authors, The Whole Brain Child, and this one was very similar and built off of the same psychological/emotional approach but with a focus on discipline, teaching, and problem solving.
I enjoyed this book and found a lot of the examples and strategies helpful. I also liked that the authors were very upfront about the fact that they fail on these principles all the time and that the principles themselves don't always work out with fairytale endings. But having more tools available to deal with tricky situations is always nice. Intro Discipline about teaching Two goals Encourage cooperation Build brain connections Connect and redirect Connect emotionally Clear and consistent limits Appeal to higher thinking part of brain instead of lower more reactive one 1 rethinking discipline Before responding to misbehavior, consider 3 questions Why did my child behave this way What lesson do I want to teach in this case How can I best teach this lesson Shifting out of autopilot mode Connect and model how you want child to act and what to say. First acknowledge feeling. Give alternatives to bad behavior Discuss in receptive state of mind and ask questions to problem solve together Sometimes kids can’t behave the way we want them to instead of won’t. Based on developmental stage. Difference between can’t and won’t Spanking less effective Time out ineffective Instead, ask to practice better behavior What are some ideas you have to solve the problem Time in. Time to reflect. Time in relationship. Mindsight. Calm zone with plush toys where Can shift out of overload and relax and think Model calm and self control 2 your brain on discipline 3 brain c’s Changing house under construction Downstairs Developed at birth primitive. Reactive. Fire ready aim. Upstairs rational Undeveloped at birth Decisions Planning Empathy Morality Takes very long to develop (mid 20s) Mindsight: sensing mind in others Understand kids point of view Teach kids to tune in to others minds Need external boundaries to help upstairs develop Changeable Can be molded intentionally by experience Changed by mindfulness and piano lessons Neurons that fire together wire together Purposefully create downtime and timed boredom to force creativity from available resources Complex Can appeal to different parts of brain for different parts Engage with upstairs brain when in tantrum Don’t poke the lizard by triggering downstairs reaction via your body language and tone Can’t be in both reactive downstairs brain and rational upstairs brain at same time Quietly ask what child feeling in separate place Naming emotions discharges emotions Name it to tame it Logic not always best approach during meltdown Take a moment and be there during emotional moment Hold child until their body softens Try to come up with plan to make kid happy and offer choice like telling story over speakerphone or leaving work early to spend special time. But if not accepted then acknowledge kids desire but say it can’t work today and offer choice of walking to car or being carried. Can walk with big steps or little steps. Don’t turn back on kids even when not happy with their behavior When you’re angry, where do you feel it in your body? I don’t know. What do you think you should do? Allow kids to make own decisions and see consequences Building brain by setting limits Teaches going between both parts of autonomic nervous system: sympathetic (accelerator) and parasympathetic (brakes) Self regulation Have to teach which behaviors are acceptable and not Tolerate tension and discomfort they experience when stopped Yes with condition like later instead of no By misbehaving they give us info on what they need help learning Misbehavior is cry out for help 3 from trantrum to tranquility: connection is the key Teaching for future can happen later in call moment. Right after tantrum need to first connect emotionally. First need to soothe sadness and anger. Allow child to feel felt Proactive parenting To avoid discipline Predicting when misbehavior is in kids future Guide them to right behavior around potential landmine Look for warning flags like frustration when hungry Give warning before leaving park Consistent bedtime so not overtired Step in when hearing conflict brewing HALT before responding (consider if child in any of below conditions) Hungry Angry Lonely Tired Connection moves child from reactivity to receptivity Before teaching, ask is my child ready to hear and learn Connection integrates parts of the brain Chaos and rigidity are symptoms of acting out Connection moves away from these extremes Sit down hold and say I know Buddy Connection builds the brain Integration of brain helps executive function Connection deepens relationship with child Parental empathy is right response to tantrum instead of completely ignoring Connection doesn’t spoil. Giving too much stuff and giving in to whims does. 4 no drama connection in action When kid breaks rule: What happened here? You really were curious about that and wanted to see x. What are our rules? I know your choices tonight didn’t follow our rules. Is there anything you can do differently next time? Response flexibility in the moment Turn down the shark music and our own thoughts or prejudices from the past or other siblings. Listen for soundtrack in your head. Chase the why. Search for underlying reasons. Be curious. Think about how u talk and ask for things and tone of voice No drama connection cycle Communicate to comfort Touch Body language communicating I’m not a threat Get down to child eye level or below and very relaxed Validate We hear them and get it Validate their subjective experience Don’t deny or minimize Identify the feeling. I see you’re feeling x. Stop talking and start listening Child already in sensory overload Reflect what you hear 5 123 discipline Ask if child noticed how other child is feeling Ask why he thinks other child feels that way Redirect to using upstairs brain to get desired behavior 1 definition: teaching Allow child to sit with natural guilt felt when stealing something. Allow child to feel the consequences of actions. Do this before giving consequences or judgment. Then jointly problem solve solution or way to fix mistake. 2 principles 1 wait until your child is ready Only teach once child calms down 2 be consistent but not rigid Ask child to come up with solutions Encourage more practice when doesn’t act right Apology note and using allowance money to replace broken item 3 desired mindsight outcomes See our own mind and others 1 Insight Name emotions you observe 2 Empathy See how Julianna feels when x happens 3 integration and Repair of ruptures Ask what step you can do to fix this What’s something you can do to help us build trust in you 6 addressing behavior by redirect Before you redirect, keep calm and connect Just pause Kind tone of voices Redirect acronym for strategies Reduce words Kids usually know what they did wrong No lectures 1 Connect and address the feelings behind behavior 2 Address the behavior 3 give alternatives 4 move on without giving too much attention Embrace emotions Allow emotions as valid Describe don’t preach Just state what you observe Kids already know what behavior is not ok I know you know how important trust is in our family. So what happened here? I see shoes at the front door I know you were studying so I’m surprised to see a D on that test. Were you surprised? What’s going on? Can you help me understand? What happened? Involve child in the discipline Ask what else you could’ve done for next time I notice you’ve been x but it’s not working very well. We need to come up with a new plan. Do you have any ideas? Reframe no into conditional yes Say can get more time this weekend Creating future actions to meet needs Practice at delaying gratifications Emphasize the positive Instead of saying no whining, say can you ask me again in your big boy voice or I like it when you use your normal voice I need you to put on your shoes and backpack I love it when you’re encouraging like that Creatively approach the situation Response flexibility Creative way to get into car Playfulness Create secret word to replace bad word Teach mindsight tools Can teach tools like using imagination to delay gratification Hand model of brain like scripts in whole brain child book Tools to observe own brain in progress in events. Like actor and director. Move it or lose it technique Conclusion 4 messages of hope 1 there is no magic wand Sometimes just need to wait and no technique will work 2 kids benefit even when you mess up 3 you can always reconnect 4 never too late to make positive change
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