Max Mednik
  • Home
  • About
  • Interests
    • Angel investing
    • Magic
    • Scuba Diving
  • Blog
  • Contact

Readings and musings

Notes on No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury

9/25/2016

1 Comment

 
Picture
After thoroughly enjoying Janet Lansbury's Elevating Child Care, I just finished reading her other book, No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame. I found this one as enlightening and useful, filled with tons of examples of great language and ways to approach various difficult situations that come up while parenting toddlers. For me, this book was slightly less relevant than the first one given that my son is not yet a toddler, but it still has given me a great general framework with which to approach situations and lots of tools that I'm sure will be useful in the coming years.

Once again, the audio version was awesome because hearing how Janet delivers the various explicit messages and her general tone of voice was really instructive.


Foreword
Set limits and tone
Just be honest with baby


1 no bad kids. Toddler discipline without shame. 

2 why toddlers push limits
Lots of emotions and immature prefrontal cortex
Overwhelmed by impulses
Never take limit pushing personally
Reasons
Sos/I can't carry on. Usually it's your fault for overtiring them. Or they're hungry. Wow you're telling me you're tired. I'm sorry we're going to go now. 
Clarity please. Learning about our leadership and love and consequences in different situations. Our responses must show we’re unruffled by their behavior and can handle it with no problem. 
What's all the fuss about? Don't overdramatize or discuss limit pushing behavior. I hear how angry you are about leaving the park. 
Do I have capable leaders? 
I've got a feeling. Needs to release stress. 
Flattery. Reflect our behavior towards others. 
Good way to get our attention. Give more attention in other ways. 
Have u told me u love me lately?


3 talking to toddlers
Small humans in turmoil
Off balance due to rapid growth
Talk normally in full sentences. Can do shorter sentences and slower speech and pauses between sentences. 
Turn no into yes. I hear you asking for our attention. When dad and I are done talking I'll listen only to you. 
I want you to sit still on my lap vs don't bounce on me. 
Give choices. Do you want to put the toy away on the shelf or in the box? I see you're still playing. Would you like to change your diaper now or in 5 min?
First acknowledge. You're having a hard time with those shoes. You're really working hard. Don't assume feelings, just state what know for sure. Not you're afraid of the dog. Better: you seem upset by the dog. Do you want me to pick you up? You want to run across the street, but I won't let you. 


4 baby discipline person to person
Our needs matter too. You're upset about how long I'm taking in the kitchen. You want to climb on me but that's bothering me. Please speak in your regular voice so I can understand. That yelling is hurting my ears, please sit down and tell me what you want. 

Clear expectations. Daily routine. 

Direct first person. 

Don't just say no. Give guidance and explanation. I can't let you touch the electrical cord because it's not safe, I'm going to help you let go of it. 

Avoid baby words like inside voice and use your words since wouldn't say those to adult you respect. 

Don't discourage curiosity. Look at the leaf you found, but this isn't safe for you to touch and put in your mouth so I'm going to move it. 


5 toddlers need for boundaries 
I don't want you to climb on me. You can sit with me. But if you want to climb there's a structure over there. 
I won't let you hit. I don't want you to hit. Don't give too much attention to bad action. 
Transitional situations like going into car seat can give choice to kid but if doesn't do it then can put in yourself. Not independent play. 
Kids desire parental control


6 key to cooperation 
Give advance notice or make activity part of routine
Don't interrupt play unless critical. Prepare by saying in a few min it will be time to brush teeth etc. 
offer autonomy letting child try to complete task. Offer choices. 
Slow everything down
Don't multitask
Acknowledge 
Give thanks


7 ditch distraction 
Don't be phony about your reaction. 
Use opportunities to resolve conflicts 
Give guidance on rules and facts
Don't cause break in attention 
Respect. You had the toy and now Jon does. You wanted it. Now you're upset. 


8 why they don't follow our directions
Disconnection
Don't just use words. 
Don't be reticent to enforce directions
Be ho hum in response to bad behavior or words


9 choices our kids can't make
Need help with transitions
Ambivalence from parent will be detected and used
Hurting self or others. Offer something safe to hit or stomp feet. 
Repetitively taking toys
Car seats. Can choose to get in himself or get helped. 
Clothing within reason
Leaving when u need to go do something


10 power of no
Effortlessly in charge
Give choices to encourage autonomy and explain consequences of his actions (no time to read book)
Leave food on plate. If throwing then not hungry. 


11 no fan of timers
Better to learn head on skill of being the bad guy
No gimmicks of any kind like jumpers or sticker charts or time out or kid words


12 staying unruffled
Toddlers asking us to clarify things and show boundaries
Perspective that this is healthy behavior of gaining autonomy and reacting to changes in life or family
Help instead of being angry
Perceive conflict and emotions as positive
Have reasonable expectations
Be proactive and put in situations that are ok
Can you do this on your own or do you need my help
Imagine you've been handling this with grace for years. 
Recognize personal triggers


13 staying calm when kids aren't
Imagine donning superhero suit that deflects all outrages and keeps you cool
You have some very strong feelings about that


14 whining
Take deep breath. Put on superhero suit. 
Gentle guidance. Sounds like ur uncomfortable can u use your normal voice to tell me what u need?
Rest food drink comfort


15 biting hitting kicking
Perspective and attitude
Don't take behavior personally
Don't lose control
You're having a hard time not hitting so I will hold your hand. 
Just be there with them if they're yelling. 
Key word: unruffled. We're big and on top of things. Think to yourself, “boring!” About any annoying behavior you don't want to reinforce


16 food fight
Changes in growth change their appetite. Don't be concerned or show tension or annoyance. 
Keep meals simple and don't invest or expect
Temper reactions positive and negative
Amount he eats doesn't affect u
Present small amounts


17 sassy bossy
Stop reacting to bad behavior 
Adjust your perspective 
You seem to have strong opinions about that
Interesting
Hm I guess we have different opinions about that


18 stop feeling threatened
Teddy bear behavior
Assume bad behavior coming from something benign from teddy bear. Harmless


19 don't fight the feelings
Accept negative feelings


20 healing power of tantrums
Allows cooped up negative feelings to come out


21 baby blues
New sibling creates sense of loss
Mood swings
Regressions
Are you upset the baby's here? Big sisters feel that way. I can't let you jump on the bed. 
1:1 time with older child
Ask older child to help care for younger


22 discipline mistakes
Punishments
Perceiving kids as bad instead of needing help


23 setting limits without yelling


24 consequences
Not about manipulation
Logical and reasonable
Consistent part of routine. Thanks for letting me know you're done. I'm putting the food away. We will be eating again soon. 


25 letting child off the hook
I can't let you because. I won't let you because. 
Direct responses


26 gentle leader
Stronger leadership
Set limits calmly and early
I know it's hard for you to wait while I'm busy. But I know you can do it. 
Responding to “you have to”: Thank you for your opinion. Here's the plan. 


27 gentle discipline 
I won't let you


28 strong willed child


29 respect not indulgence
Say yes to feelings and exploration
Calm parent allows tantrum to go as much as wants
I'm here to keep you safe
Give boundaries for safety
Give boundaries during transitions
Give boundaries to limit our annoyance. Don't allow behavior if will annoy us.
Safe enclosed play spaces


30 guilt free discipline


31 not passive parenting
Can you come inside yourself or do you need my help
Mindfulness is not passivity


32 example
Limit screens and overstimulating toys

1 Comment
Julie
5/23/2017 08:23:38 am

thanks for posting these notes! Just completed the audiobook and was trying to find some notes on the book since I listened during my commute and didn't take any. Appreciate it!

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Archives

    July 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    November 2023
    August 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    January 2022
    October 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    April 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    May 2019
    March 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012
    June 2012
    May 2012
    April 2012
    March 2012
    February 2012
    January 2012
    December 2011
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    October 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010

    Categories

    All
    Angel Investing
    Cacti
    Cars
    China
    Community Service
    Culture
    Design
    Djing
    Dogs
    Education
    Entertainment
    Entrepreneurship
    Family
    Finance
    Food
    Google
    Happiness
    Incentives
    Investment Banking
    Judaism
    Law
    Lighting
    Magic
    Marketing
    Medicine
    Networking
    Nolabound
    Philosophy
    Professionalism
    Psychology
    Reading
    Real Estate
    Religion
    Romance
    Sales
    Science
    Shangri-La
    Social Entrepreneurship
    Social Media
    Sports
    Teams
    Technology
    Travel
    Turtles
    Ucla
    Venture Capital
    Web Services
    Weddings
    Zen

    Subscribe

    RSS Feed

Picture
Picture
  • Home
  • About
  • Interests
    • Angel investing
    • Magic
    • Scuba Diving
  • Blog
  • Contact