Notes on Ready or Not by Madeline Levine

I recently finished reading Ready or Not: Preparing Our Kids to Thrive in an Uncertain and Rapidly Changing World by Madeline Levine. I think I heard about it from another author whose work I also enjoyed.

It reminded me a bit of How to Raise an Adult, which also tackled the issues of over-involved/over-protective/helicopter parenting. Levine approached the issues through the lens of a psychologist who works with kids of all ages, and it was eye-opening to hear about some of the cases/issues she has seen firsthand. She presents a lot of good guidelines and tips, most of which revolve around doing less and letting kids do work and develop for themselves.

I also liked the sections that focused on the parents and how she encourages them to live their own lives that don't revolve around their kids 24/7.

I enjoyed this book and recommend it to other parents who may be prone to getting over-involved with their own kids. Below are some of my main notes and takeaways.

---

​Intro
VUCA world: Volatile, uncertain, complex, ambiguous 
Anxiety
Adaptability 
Need to invent our own future

Part 1 stuck

1 why the needle hasn’t moved
Parental adjustment
Emotional intelligence 
Self regulation
Exploring and reflecting
Chores, time outside, playing, reasonable bedtime
Unhealthy overachieving
Too much pressure 
Curiosity and experimentation
Being ok with failure
Success not just metrics based
False self
Hard to know who they are when just focus on results
Fake social media self
Social isolation 
Limit phone usage
No more than 2 hours per day
Adults put down phones too
Feeling powerless
Don’t micromanage kids
Not constant oversight 
Shaky sense of morality
Kids watch parents be dishonest

2 your brain on uncertainty 
Don’t finish your kids homework
Don’t provide alcohol at their parties or get them out of consequences
To live is to predict
Cognitive dissonance
Prediction error signal
Get comfortable with prediction error

3 accumulated disability: dangers of overprotection
Need to tolerate anxiety
Anxious parents make anxious kids
Do less and back off
Don’t focus family on catering to kid
Parallel treatment of parents and kids
Don’t intervene
Progressive desensitization
Don’t avoid what feared
Tolerate anxiety and build competency
Avoidance not good solution to dealing with anxiety
Don’t sleep in kid room to help reduce anxiety
Eating troubles, sensitivity
Exposure is best remedy
Bathroom usage in other places. Expose to variety 
Play dates good to practice lots of triggers ans do it at others’ houses
Don’t do kids homework
Don’t replace lost cell phones
Chores and responsibilities critical
Let them learn how to drive
Kids should go to doctor and dentist appts themselves alone in room
Give control to child
Learned helplessness

4 learned helplessness and delayed adolescence
Autonomy
Enmeshment
Clear rules around curfew time or else lose driving privileges
Don’t control them psychologically 
Internal locus of control
Celebrate acts of kindness
Don’t delay emotional work of adolescence 
Kids need to learn it’s ok to take risks
Don’t catastrophize

Part 2 course correction

5 unlearning helplessness and restoring capabilities 
Morality, curiosity, hard work, love matter most
Tutors sometimes feel like a vote of no confidence
Mediation
Shore up emotional reserves
Tell kid you may feel bad but you can handle it
Empathy versus overidentification 
Best thing we can give kids is adequate sleep
Social anxiety, separation anxiety, generalized anxiety
Progressive desensitization
Don’t overaccommodate
Reframe anxiety as opportunity. I remember when I was little and just learning x and didn’t do y and then I did z so let’s work on x
Patience
Rehearse relaxation techniques, deep breathing, mindfulness
Start with low anxiety exposure like looking at picture of trigger
Then drive by place
Then walk down hallway near place
Then walk in but don’t use
Then use
Rate anxiety at each step and proceed to next once anxiety level drops enough
Build courage by encouraging curiosity
Nonjudgmental feedback
Chores by age from Montessori 
2-3
Put toys in toy box
Stack toys on shelf
Place clothes in hamper
Throw away trash
Fold cloths
Carry wood
Set table
Fetch diapers
Dust baseboards
4-5
Feed pets
Wipe spills
Make bed
Straighten bedroom
Water house plants
Prepare simple snacks
Put away and sort clean silverware
Use handheld vacuum
Clear kitchen table
Dry and stow dishes 
Disinfect door knobs
6-7
Gather trash
Fold towels
Dust/mop floors
Empty dishwasher
Match clean socks
Garden
Rake leaves
Peel potatoes
Make salad
8-9
Load dishwasher
Change light bulbs
Wash laundry
Hang and fold clean clothes
Dust furniture
Hose down patio
Put groceries away
Scramble eggs
Bake cookies
Walk dog
Sweep porch
Wipe table
10-11
Clean bathrooms 
Vacuum rugs
Clean countertops 
Deep clean kitchen
Prepare simple meal
Mow lawn
Bring mail
Do simple mending
Sweep garage
12 and up
Mop floors
Change overhead lights
Wash/vacuum car
Trim hedges
Paint walls
Shop for groceries with list
Bake bread or cake
Simple home repairs
Wash windows
Iron clothes
Watch younger siblings
Zone of proximal development: first activity should feel a little stressful and tricky
Replace failure with trial and error
Instead of telling kid they’re wrong, say tell me more
Assessing risk
Crossing street alone
Walking to school with friend
Riding bike around neighborhood
Taking public transportation
Going to the mall
Learning to drive
Taking class trip with group of friends
Kids need to learn to assess risks
Tell me what you know, what you don’t know, what you think
Let kids research answers and solutions themselves to stay safe
Talk and ask about pros and cons and then explain your concerns
Consider if they’ve been able to manage the prior level of risk before the new activity they want to do. Set limit then see how they do then expand based on behavior. 
Changing explanatory style from pessimistic to optimistic
Three vectors of explanatory style for tough events
Permanence
Pervasiveness
Personalization
CBT best therapy for depression and pessimistic style
Seek Alternate explanations
Look for evidence
Conquering Pessimism
Abcde method
Adversity
Belief
Consequences
Disputation: questions to challenge assumptions 
Energy
Fixed to growth mindset
Instead of asking about scores or grades, Ask what do you learn
Ask about what mistakes made and what learned
Explain what fixed and growth mindsets mean
Don’t judge by performance alone. Praise openness to trying to new things and risks
Explain about building a better brain

6 demystifying 21st century skills
Coding
Data analysis
VUCA world
Gravitational pull of AI
Need soft skills, adaptability
Tolerance for failure
Value of good attitude

7 academic and foundational skills in an age of uncertainty 
Technical and academic skills
Project based interactive learning
Digital literacy, data analysis, critical thinking
Curiosity
Say I don’t know and let’s find out if you don’t know something
Creativity
Stay nonjudgmental
Get interested in their interests
Flexibility
Make learning playful and engaged
How many uses can you think of for x
Ask kids and then what
Educated risk taking. Supervised power tool usage. 
40/70 rule. Often make decisions when have between 40-70% of the info. Not paralysis by analysis. 
Educated versus foolish risks
Collaboration. Listening. Make up story line by line. Don’t sneak peeks at phone. 
Perseverance. Add word “yet” at end of sentence when kid can’t do something yet. Focus on process more than outcome today. 
Self regulation 
Internal motivation
Self control. Homework before video games. Limits. If you can come home by 11 for the next 6 months, we can then talk about 11:30. 
Hope and optimism

Part 3 thriving in new normal

8 squiggly line
Life is a series of detours, not planned linearly
Passion for work you do
Success is not fixed
The most important play is the next one
Serendipity

9 revised script
Stay at home dads
Need friendships with adults

10 future proof family
Moral compass
Honesty 
Compassion 
Civic engagement
Personal accountability
Moral decency
Ask questions
Teach by example
Don’t talk to partner about getting out of jury duty
Treat others nicely
Questions to talk to kids about
What does it mean to be a good person
Is it ever ok to not follow instructions
What does it mean to be a hero
When should you apologize to someone else
Is it our responsibility to help others or should they be in charge of helping themselves
Who do you want to be like when you grow up
Values need a community
Ask child how would you feel if to teach empathy and compassion
Give kids opportunities to be good
Have broad interests outside of kids