Notes on How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims

I just finished reading How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid by Julie Lythcott-Haims, and it was amazing. It's like it was written personally for me. I suffer from so many of the neuroses and overparenting tendencies the author outlines in the book (as did she), and I feel like I'm now on the first step towards my recovery after reading it.

Julie was my freshman dean at Stanford, and I'll always remember how she unified our class in our now-infamous "OHHHHH-SIX" (i.e., class of 2006) chant. It's interesting for me to see the journey that she's been in on since being dean at Stanford to where she is now as a parent and educator.

This book reminded me a lot of The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey, which I had read previously and also really enjoyed. That one focused a lot on academics and chores and was also really eye-opening.

The first half of the book talks about the problems and pitfalls of the overparenting tendency and the psychological harm to kids and parents. It sets a really persuasive stage on which the second half of the book responds with more practical solutions (down the words to use) to solve each part of the problem.

I really liked the sample scripts in this book for responding to kids and to fellow parents in difficult situations. I also really liked the lists of skills/abilities/chores/tasks that are appropriate for each approximate age as well as how to speak with kids and "continually question" in different ways as kids get older. There were also very good references in the book, both of other thought-leaders to follow online as well as other books to read. It's clear the author really did her homework and worked to build on top of a lot that has been written before on similar topics.

Now I'm really excited to see how I can put a lot of these ideas into practice and am trying to find and connect with other like-minded recovering "overparents."

My full notes and takeaways on the book are below.

---

​Intro
Many behaviors stem from fears
Helicopter parents
Self esteem movement
Competing against China
Parents doing too much for their kids
Preparing for life vs protecting from life
Achievement arms race

Part 1: what we’re doing now

1 keep them safe and sound
Parents escorting kids even when old
Too many guardrails
Infinitesimally low chance of child abduction or other similar crime
Free range kid form pinned to kids
Constant updates and connectivity to kids

2 providing opportunity
Obsession with creating educational opportunities
Pushing to do extracurriculars 
Maximizing chances to get into good colleges
Zero boredom

3 being there for them
Concierge Parents
The Enforcer: fighting faculty for their kids

4 college admissions arms race
Don’t do homework for your kids
Constantly checking parent grade portal

5 to what end
Two things kids should get from their parents: roots and wings

Part 2 why we should stop overparenting

6 kids lack basic life skills
Raising adults vs kids
Kids should cut their own meat
Skills they need to know how to do independently before college
Talk to strangers
Find his way around a campus and town
Filling car with gas
Public transport 
Manage assignments, workload, and deadlines
Contribute to running of household
Handle interpersonal problems
Cope with ups and downs of competition and struggles
Earn and manage money
Take risks
Orphan as role model

7 psychological harm
Lack of autonomy
Three bad ways of overparenting
Doing for kids with they can already do themselves
Doing for kids with they can almost do themselves
When our parenting behavior is motivated by our own ego
Push kids to compete in competitions for things they already love

8 study drug addicts
Adderall

9 hurting job prospects
Don’t do for kids what they can do for themselves 
Don’t call boss for your kids

10 overparenting stresses us out too
Concerted cultivation of kids leads to mental issues 
Marriages hang in balance 

11 college admissions process is broken
Standardized tests measure wealth and access to test prep

Part 3 another way

12 the case for another way
Developing adult social role
3 ways to parent
Permissive, indulgent
Authoritarian
Authoritative
Neglectful
Demanding or not
Responsive or not
Authoritative is demanding and responsive

13 give them unstructured time
When adult not directing things
Outdoor play
Value free play
Know your kid and degree of freedom they are ready for
Create agreements with other parents. Structure and schedule time for free play. 
Offer materials to foster imaginative play
Let kid decide how and where to play
Create space between you and kid over time. Don’t need to narrate all that is happening. 
Develop capacity to wince but not pounce
Create neighborhood culture of free outdoor play
Introduce self to neighbors
Host block party
Tell them kid will be playing more outside and how to reach you if any issue
Build safe outdoor spaces
Designate block Parents
Cell phone
Make sure kids memorize address and phone numbers
Enforce limits on electronics especially when playing outside
Get inspired by other good play places
Encourage change in community
Model play for kids
Hobbies
Tinkering in garage
Montessori
Help them experience flow
No tv in kids bedroom

14 teach life skills
Wake themselves up
Make own meals
Be on time for own events
Make own backpack
Four steps
1 First do it for you
2 Next do it with you
3 Next watch you do it
4 Next you do it yourself 
List of tasks kids should be able to do for selves by age
2-3: small chores and basic grooming
Put toys away with your help
Clothe themselves with a little help
Put clothes away in hamper
Clear plate after meals
Help set table
Brush teeth
Wash face
4-5: important names and numbers, safety skills
Know full name, address, and phone number
How to make an emergency call
Perform simple cleaning chores like dusting easy places and clear table after meals
Feed pets
Identify monetary denominations
Know how money used
Brush teeth, comb hair, wash face without assistance
Help with basic laundry steps
Choose own clothes to wear
6-7: basic cooking techniques
Mix, stir, and cut with a dull knife
Make a basic meal like a sandwich
Put groceries away
Wash dishes
Use basic household cleaners safely
Straighten up bathroom after use
Make bed without assistance
Bathe unsupervised
8-9: pride in personal belongings
Fold clothes
Simple sewing
Care for outdoor toys like bike
Care for personal hygiene without being told to do so
Use broom and dustpan properly
Prepare a simple meal from a recipe
Create a grocery list
Count and make change
Take written phone messages
Help with simple lawn duties like watering and weeding flower beds
Take out trash
10-13: gaining independence 
Stay home alone
Go to store and make purchases alone
Change own bed sheets
Use washing machine and dryer
Plan and prepare meal with several ingredients 
Use oven to broil or bake foods
Read labels
Iron clothes
Use basic hand tools
Mow lawn
Look after younger siblings or neighbors 
14-18: more advanced skills
More sophisticated maintenance like changing vacuum cleaner bag, cleaning stove, and unclogging drains
Fill a car with gas, add air, change a tire
Read and understand medicine labels and dosages
Interview for and get a job
Prepare and cook meals
Young adult: preparing to live on own, how to support self
Make regular doctor and dentist appointments
Basic understanding of finance and be able to manage bank account, balance checkbook, pay bill, use a credit card
Understand basic contracts like apartment or car lease
Schedule oil changes and basic car maintenance
Getting to step 3 (now I watch you do it) is tough and requires leap of faith from parent
Making own breakfast since age 4. Packing own school lunch box. 
Cereals and bowls in bottom cupboard and milk on lower shelf
Free range project which kid picks to do on own
Go to store to make own purchase while parent waits in parking lot
Let go of perfect. Let kids fail. 

15 teach them how to think
Doing school vs learning
Teaching to the test
Heuristic/creative/critical vs algorithmic thinking
Socratic method better for letting students learn for selves and really understand
Ask question why five times
Continual questioning approach
Initially when baby more narrating of environment to teach language
Later as toddler with language can switch to continual questioning to see how child thinks and probe deeper
Initially questions can be more leading and then more open ended and where you don’t know the answer
Sample dialogues
Toddler: What do you think the butterfly is doing? Why is it doing that? Any other reason you can think of?
Elementary school: helping to solve logistical problems. Help kids come up with own solutions. If kid forgot backpack at school, don’t just offer to take them there. Ask what they can do about it themselves (call friend for homework, email teacher to tell her, etc.). Better to suffer the consequences early when stakes are lower to learn the right lessons.
Middle school: how was school, what did u enjoy most, how come, how come
High school: interns feelings. Repeatedly ask why and how. Demonstrate actual interest in them.
Don’t let them just do school instead of learning and going deep
Growth mindset leads to persistence. Don’t praise for being smart. 
Expand their priorities from more than just themselves. Talk about what’s going on in the world. Encourage them to have an opinion. 
Have family dinner together
Pick topic of current event for which multiple opinions can be legit. Ask them for theirs and their reasoning. Play devil's advocate. Then reverse roles. 
Let them speak up for themselves. Let them know in advance when u expect them to do the talking and that u will be nearby if they need help. 
Good mentor asks continual questions so student discovers right answers for them

16 prepare them for work
Building a work ethic: the role of chores
Research shows most successful start chores at 3 years old
Toddlers
Cash in on their enthusiasm to do grown up things
Stacking magazines, organizing, sorting
Elementary school 
Taking in groceries from car and putting away
Set and clear table
Unload dishwasher
Breek each task into small steps
Let them put away stuff into lower shelves of fridge
Stacking bags into big bag
Don’t micromanage them
Cleaning spills: yell I need your help and have them pitch in
Don’t stop until job done completely
Simple thank you after it’s done
Middle schoolers 
Can do tasks outside alone
Wash your car
Shovel snow
Yard work like weeding
Setting up decorations
Throwing away rotting stuff
Justification: Please take those leaves. I need your help. After you’re done we’ll do X. 
Help them anticipate tasks instead of waiting to be asked. I want to make sure that garbage doesn’t overflow next time. What can we do about that? We keep running out of toilet paper in the bathroom. What can we do about that?
High schoolers: pretty much anything you can do
Operate machinery, go up to heights 
Clean fridge, check for old stuff, wipe shelves, change vacuum bag
Wash windows, mow lawn 
Clean gutters from roof
See them sweat
Haul tree to curb
Hammer and nail work
Organize attic or garage
Find neighbor to help out
Model the behavior yourself. Call to kid anytime you do work around house saying I need your help with this. 
Expect them to pitch in
Don’t apologize or overexplain
Give clear and straightforward instructions. Explain tasks and back off. When you’re done I’ll come over and see how you did. Then walk away. 
Give appropriate thanks and feedback. Don’t overpraise. Simple thank you or nice job. Give 1-2 pieces of constructive feedback of how can do better next time. If you hold the trash bag like this then less stuff will fall out. This was a good start at cleaning up. I see you washed the dishes. Those pots over there also need cleaning. Then smile. I noticed what you did and appreciate it. 
Make it routine. Some chores daily, weekly, seasonally. 
Be interested in rolling up sleeves. I’m killer at the administrative stuff. Be interested in the work itself. 
Be interested in paying your dues
Be proactive and take initiative 
Get job on your own

17 let them chart their own path 
Find your voice and honor what you hear
Don’t dismiss kids artistic talents and inclinations
kids as bonsai trees to be pruned and groomed vs kids as wildflowers of unknown genus to be discovered
Just need proper nourishment and environment to grow on own
Purpose matters
Versus short term desires
Study what you love
Embrace the child you’ve got
Celebrate who they are
Don’t expect kids to be perfect in everything
When they’re young, listen for clues
Not much known before middle school self reflection
Offer options
Supporting not leading roles for Parents
It’s not about you but your kid
Differentiate yourself from them
Notice who your kid actually is, what they love and are good at
What things affect them or interest them
How do they interact with the world and groups and tasks
Explore with diagnostic tools
Strengths finder test
For ages 15+
Be interested and helper
Family dinner conversations
Get to nugget of what was enjoyable with continual questions
Offer camps and other experiences to dig deeper
Know when to push forward and pull back
Key is if not interested then don’t push them even if talented
Help them find mentors
Ask favorite teacher how they got their start
Write letter to favorite author
Can ask any adult you seem to love what you do. How did you figure out that’s what you wanted to do?
Prepare them for the hard work to come
Not just about believing in themselves
Don’t say good job when it wasn’t
Honest feedback
Don’t do too much for them
Kid must be in the driver seat
Have your own purpose
Share why it’s meaningful for you with your kids
Want to keep them close? Let them go
Don’t make your kid be an extension of you
Learning to do without parental approval is being an adult

18 normalize struggle
Learn to just sit with pain
Help kids learn resilience
Focus on effort not intelligence
Growth mindset
Grit
7 C’s
Competence
Confidence
Connection
Character
Contribution
Coping
Control
I’m ok. I’m still me. I still deserve to be loved. I can still deal with this. 
Be present in your kids life
Show your love. Put down phone when they get home. 
Show interest in them and their interests
Show them you care
Back off
Let them make choices and order of work
Let them take risks and make mistakes
Help them learn from experience
Afterwards engage in dialogue and see what was good and bad
Help them Unpack experience
Hmm that sounds really tough. How do you think you can handle that?
Continue to set the bar higher for them
Combat perfectionism
Build their character
What we do when no one is looking
Notice them being good
I saw you. I noticed. You’re a good person. 
Help them develop perspective. Do service work as a family. 
Give specific authentic feedback
I like how you used all sorts of colors in that picture
Your essay used many examples of x which were very persuasive
Include criticism targeting the action and not the person
Model how u deal with setbacks
Let them see u reflect on the mistakes you made and how you dealt with it
Let the bad things happen
Childhood is the training ground
Curveballs you should allow kid to experience
Not being invited to a birthday
Death of pet
Working hard on something but getting bad grade
Breaking a valuable vase
Having car break down away from home
Seeing a tree you planted die
Being told a class or camp is full
Getting detention
Missing a show because helping grandma
Getting in a fender bender
Being blamed for something he didn’t do
Having an event canceled because someone misbehaved
Getting fired
Not making a varsity team
Coming in last at something
Getting hit by another kid
Rejecting something he had been taught
Deeply regretting saying something he cannot take back
Not being invited when friends going out
picked last for neighborhood sport
See all these as growth producing events. Say silently “perfect” to oneself instead of trying to avoid
Have them learn the wave pattern of feelings. I feel better and my parents have nothing to do with it. 
Three trays of tools in toolbox
One from what Parents gave
One from what learned in school
And one from life experiences

19 have a wider mindset about colleges
Should not be dissatisfied with where going. Should treat as gift. 
Attitude from Parents of “nothing but the best will do” creates dissatisfaction and perfectionism in kids which is harmful
Be realistic about the odds
All about having a great experience in college
Top 100 not as selective but still really good
Brag about other brands of colleges
Understand the advantages of going to a less selective college
Same income 20 years later from top 10 school as top 100
The student not the school is responsible for success
Use Best college lists other than US News which is flawed
Fisk Guide
Forbes
Niche
Princeton review
Colleges that change lives
The alumni factor
LinkedIn data on colleges
Consider colleges that deemphasize test scores
Fair test
Focus on fit and belonging
Ask current students why did you apply here and how do you like it. Then ask what they would change about it if they could. 

20 listen to them
Less structured activities to allow more time to hang out
Ask questions about their interests, not what you care about
Make self available to each child individually

Part 4 daring to parent differently 

21 reclaim your self
Show kids how to live a life vs concerted cultivation of kids
Don’t mistake your child’s life for yours
Put your own needs first
How to live life yourself
Discover your path and purpose and chart steps towards it
Your kid is not your passion
Barbara Sher books like I can do anything if I only knew what it was
Learn to say no to school volunteer opportunities
Good enough rather than perfect
Say less not more: I’m sorry I can’t vs rambling explanation
Prioritize your health and well being
Don’t just do it after everything else in place. Do it so that everything else will fall in place. 
Make time for your most important relationships
Interrogate your relationship with money
Consider other value systems
Practice kindness and gratitude
Drop of out competition game
Goal should not be child’s happiness
Separate own identity from kids 

22 be the parent you want to be
Principles
The world is much safer than we are led to believe and child needs to learn to thrive in it instead of be protected from it
A checklist designed to lead to narrow definition of success robs kids of important parts of childhood
Child grows by doing what interests them and learning from failure
Family life richer for all when parents aren’t hovering over and facilitating every moment for kids
Standing up to other adults. Scripts for complicated situations to make change
Give other adult psychological out and be inclusive
Parents refereeing
Maybe I’m old fashioned but I’d prefer to just let the kids work it out. I know it can be hard to step back but I think it’s healthy to learn. 
When Parents chauffeur and u prefer kid to walk or bike
No thanks I really prefer that she go on her own. I have a confidence she knows how to get where she needs and I want her to grow more confident and independent
When Parents fetch and carry forgotten homework, etc.
Smile: “i make my kid suffer. Otherwise they’ll just assume i’ll do it.”
When parents are personal assistants, concierges, clean-up crew
Of course i can do it faster or better, but she’s got to learn this stuff for herself. I’m not going to be THAT parent who shows up to do everything for her in college.
When you’re out with friends and child calls you with minor catastrophe
Sorry to hear that, honey. How are you going to solve that?
When parents do child’s homework
Ask at back to school night: what is your policy on parental involvement in homework. Can you help us know where to draw the line for math, essays, and school projects?
If kid wants you to solve stuff for them, “I’ve been a 4th grader before. Now it’s your turn.”
Tell parent friends, “I could do it for them, but then I’ll always have to do it for them. I don’t want them to feel like they can’t do it without me.”
When parents do all the chores
Homework and extracurriculars do not excuse chores
Share with other parents what your kids do for chores
At PTA or scout meeting, ask, “how can we give our kids more responsibility for this task/activity/event? I don’t want them to just stand around while we do all the work.”
When parents chart kids’ life path
When other parent asks where your kid headed or what they like, “I really have no idea. It’s entirely up to him. I want her to just figure out what she’s good at and loves and just make the most of that, whatever it is. He’s really into hiking; i’m not sure what he’ll do with that, but i’m supporting his developing that talent and interest.”
When other parent says what kid has to do to get into college, sigh and say, “Well, we’ve stopped trying to predict what some small set of colleges may want and we’ve started just living our life, which turns out to feel much better. <smile big> seriously.”
When parents have narrow mindset about colleges
Name drop 5 colleges no one’s ever heard of sporadically
Look at collegeboard big future or alumni factor or colleges that change lives websites and pick 5 you actually like. Then say things like, “ I’d just love it if my daughter would consider carlton or whitman or a strong city college. <offer one reason why>”
Talk openly about odds of getting into top schools horrible and stress not worth it
Don’t use “we” for applying to college or getting in. it’s just the kid doing it.
A great college education is to be had at many places. We’re not going to stress about it. (say this in front of kid as often as you can out of your mouth for kid to overhear)
When parents don’t listen to kids
My kid wants me to back off from their X choices, and i am. It’s better for both of us. We’ve tried to set good expectations and values, and the rest is up to them.
Build a community of like-minded adults 
Talk to partner
Find like minded parents
Connect with thought leaders
Lenore skinazy 
Mike Lanza and geaver Tully 
Jessica lahey
Challenge success
Madeline Levine and Wendy mogul
Dan pink
Christine carter and Barbara frederickson
Brene Brown
Her blog and Social
Do a reality check
Don’t have to be at all soccer games. Tell kid you also have important stuff to do. Have them pick their most important games and commit to being there. 
When you don’t go to a game, share with them what you did instead
Family centered vs child centered life
Avoid child sports industrial complex

Conclusion

References
Blessing of skinned knee
Excellent sheep
Doing school 
Blessing of B-
Reflections on rejections
Brene brown books like daring greatly and imperfections 
Building resilience in teens
Gist: life-ready
How children succeed
Overwhelmed: work, love, and play
Barbara Sher books like I can do anything if I only knew what it was
Raising happiness
The sweet spot