Notes on The Gift of Failure by Jessica Lahey

Ryan Holiday, who publishes an awesome newsletter about great books he's read, is a new dad like me. He recently recommended The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed by Jessica Lahey.

I really enjoyed the book and learned a lot of new lessons from it. It posed some tricky questions that I hadn't really thought about deeply before, such as whether and how much to bail your kids out when they mess up (like when they forget their homework at home and you're already going to be stopping by school anyways). I was surprised by how far the author suggests taking the autonomy supportive parenting approach, but after thinking about it some more, I agree with her framework and ideas. It all boils down, in the end, to trusting your child and taking a long-term view on how they grow up to be independent, capable adults who can take care of themselves rather than optimizing for short-term performance (which is hard in a competitive, "if-they-don't-go-to-x-preschool-then-they-won't-go-to-Harvard-so-they'll-be-on-the-streets" mentality).

My favorite parts of the book involved age-appropriate lists of ways that kids can have real responsibilities around the house (household duties and "family contributions," not "chores"). I know many people personally who never learned how to do laundry or manage their own personal lives until college, and even then all decisions -- small and large -- were run through parents, which continues handicapping them throughout adulthood. I also liked the idea of kid-generated checklists so they can remember what they need every day.

Below are my notes and takeaways from the book. (It also reminded me a lot about Ryan's book The Obstacle Is The Way.)

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Intro: how I learned to let go
Leave obstacles lying in road
Middle school teacher
Race to the top among kids from beginning
Overparenting
Enmeshment
Pressured parents phenomenon
Too much helping with homework
How well we are doing as parents constantly pressures us
Child's accomplishments are not benchmark of your Parenting success
Back off and focus on the big picture
Embrace opportunity to fail
Learn from the failure
Create positive home/school relationships

Part 1: failure: most valuable parenting tool

1 how failure became a dirty word
Job of parent is to raise self sufficient, capable, ethical adults
Locke historical child raising advice
Children pushed out of nest early and marry young
Kids went to work daily for family
Rise of parenting experts
Psychologizing child rearing
What feels good for you isn’t always best for children
Takes more time to teach child to do something than to do it ourselves

2 why parenting for dependence doesn’t work
Sacrificing love of learning for achievement
Daily nagging of points and grades
Intrinsic motivation is holy grail. The more we push the less they want to do. 
Payment for grades worsens performance and motivation
Encouraging effort rather than outcome
Control and deadlines impede motivation
Backing off better
Having choices improves motivation
Establish nonnegotiable expectations like homework completed on time but allow choices around that
Project based learning better
Autonomy vs independence
Reward for performance only short term and messed up love of learning long term
Rewards good for repetitive boring tasks
Control enemy of autonomy
Goals better than rewards
Best when goals are created by kids and can be changed over time. Child has to own it. 
Competence: confidence born out of experience 
Better to have confidence from experience rather than praise
Connection
Desirable difficulties lead to mastery
Learning through challenges stored better

3: less really is more
Stop dependent parenting
Kids make their own checklists and calendar
Don’t take homework to school when kids forget it
Their learning is more important than their happiness
Push kids to autonomy
Autonomy supportive parenting
Communicate new plan to kid when changing to more autonomy
Clear limit setting and structure
Creating new habits
Teaching how to use appliances themselves and do own laundry and make own snacks and lunches
Habit: Cue, routine, reward
Decide on new habits with kids like cue to start homework being afternoon snack
Habit to turn off phones while working
Increased independence is reward
Controlling vs autonomy supportive parenting
Unsolicited advice/helping vs teaching lesson when it’s needed like after mistake or kids learning own lesson
Taking over task vs letting kid do it himself even if slower 
Offering extrinsic motivators vs not
Giving solution before child has had chance to struggle vs letting them struggle in time and silence
Making decisions for kids like order of homework or activities vs letting kids decide
Autonomy supportive examples
Guide toward solution with questions or suggestions. Why do you think x happens if y? Try holding right side up to see numbers. Finding teachable moments
Allow for mistakes and show how to deal with consequences like cleaning up
Value the mistakes as much as the successes. I value how hard you worked on that worksheet. 
Find the lessons in the failures
Acknowledge their feelings when failing. I see how hard x is for you but it will feel great when you figure it out. 
Give feedback. Look down at your buttons; something looks off; can you figure out what’s wrong?

4 encouragement from sidelines
Praise very tricky
Acknowledge effort
Praise for effort not inherent quality
Great job on that test. You studied so hard. 
Nice job on that drawing. I saw how much work you put into shading and perspective. 
Adopt growth mindset in own life
Don’t reinforce maladaptive reactions to failure
Be truthful 
Make sure child knows love is secure even if fail
Let child sit with emotions of failure instead of immediately comforting
Don’t offer to rescue child from consequences of mistakes

Part 2: teaching from failure, from mistake to success

5: household duties: laundry is an opportunity for competence
Don’t swoop in to fix mistakes when not done well or fast
Don’t exclude kids from household disasters
Putting away dishes into high shelf using chair
Loading dishwasher
Doing own laundry
Replace word chores with family contributions. Increases significance of what they do. 
Care more about child learning lessons than judgment of others
Corse expectations and great accountability. No money rewards. 
Step away and hold your tongue even if dirty dish sits on table for 2 days. Duct tape parenting (holding mouth shut requires duct tape)
Praise effort children had to put in especially if was difficult and had to problem solve
Ditch the lollipops. 
For preschool kids
Special kids wood cleaner
Swifter tool to help clean
Cleaning days to clean together than do something fun after
Put their own dirty clothes in hamper
Dress themselves in simple clothing 
Fold simple clothing and linens and cloths
Put clothes away in drawers
Follow 2-3 step directions
Brush teeth with paste
Put away trash and recycling
Put toys away when done
Put away dishes
Feed pet
Counting and sorting
Put 5 books on shelf
Get 5 oranges and put in bag
Make bed
Straighten out room
Sort and categorize utensils in drawer or socks in laundry
Water plants
Clear place at table
Get towel and clean up spill themselves
Prepare own snack
Kids need to learn systems for not forgetting things
Make child’s jobs a daily event
Hide toys or pennies in places only revealed through deep cleaning
Age 6-11
Can understand cause and effect
Peeling and chopping vegetables 
Laundry from end to end
Checklist on laundry machine of All steps. 
Replacing toilet paper when done. 
Setting and clearing table
Outdoor work like raking leaves
Vacuuming
Mopping floors
Planning and preparing grocery lists and meals
Adolescents 12+
Anything
Household repairs like painting and replacing bulbs and simple car maintenance 
Grocery shopping
Caring for and teaching younger siblings responsibilities 
Taking dog to vet for shot
Cleaning out fridge
Chopping kindling and firewood
Clearing gutters

6 friends: accomplices to failure and shared identity 
Learning social skills through free play and interactions
Parents matter less than friends
Let kids resolve own conflicts and feel pain from social encounters without saving
Let siblings work out own problems
Good to develop friendships with people different from the child
Host friends more often
Rules in your home apply to everyone
Drive kids around with their friends
Don’t lecture
How did you become Friends. What do you like about him?
Model positive friendships in your life
Talk to other adults about bad influence kids to verify assumptions
Make expectations clear
Sudden changes in behavior cause for closer look

7 sports: losing as essential experience
Playing just for the fun of it
Act like a grandparent and just support kids efforts
Car rides good times for casual talking
Let the coach be the coach and you just enjoy
Pressured Parents phenomenon 
Competition between siblings or in office bad
No yelling from sidelines or discuss strategy or other players
Never say bad about coach
Don’t discuss your dreams
Cultivate growth mindset vs speaking of talent
Difference between quitting and failure

8 middle school: prime time for failure
Still not ready for all complex tasks
Key is executive function
Let kids feel pain to develop executive function
Struggle for self control
Agree on a signal like light tap on shoulder to get kid to regain control or focus
Give child 2 pencils and tell to switch them when feeling distracted 
FER: flag, eye contact, rehearse
Need to arrive to school 15 min before 1st period to arrange themselves and help transition
Create predictability in your household
Keep family calendar and remind about unusual things
Kids should keep own schedule and calendar
Regular sleep schedule even on weekends and vacations
Be patient with poor working memory and write tasks and reminders down
Kid generated checklists
Kid Generated mnemonics for order of tasks like laundry loading
Keep instructions simple and focused on one step at a time when teaching new things
Practice critical listening. Listen to news and ask kid what were two most important parts of that story
Make expectations clear and model task and compare kid completed task to your model
Need to learn to initiate tasks on own without nagging
Talk about time management, how many tasks left, how long kid thinks each will take
Set timers and alarm clocks
Model and discuss how you manage time
Organization skills
Set aside time weekly to clean out and file loose papers
Planning book to write down assignments
Kids eventually in charge of own schedule 
Check in time weekly to organize time and schedule
Small separate binder for each subject with tab separators for categories of papers
Reinforce holes in loose paper
Let them fail and don’t save them

9 high school: toward real independence
Last opportunity to teach lessons where stakes lower than in real world
Parents only in supporting role
Lots of anxiety
Ask for clarifications from teachers and extra help
Let kids make own elective choices and let them quit anytime
College choice is theirs
Set goals for first year of college
Help identify college advisors
Roommate issues don’t involve you
Class and teacher issues don’t involve you
Part 3 succeeding at school

10 parent teacher relationships
Parent involvement important 
Trust teacher and relax
Be on time which means being early
Don’t do vacations across first or last days of term
Model enthusiasm for learning. Read for fun. Read same books as child. 
Invite teacher feedback
Let teachers know about big things at Home
Ask child to teach you what learned in school 
Express gratitude to teacher. Handwritten note. 
Allow child to speak for self

11 homework
It is child’s job not yours
Don’t succumb to giving answers
Sleep is critical
Watch for real work vs doodling and distractions
Use timers for maximum time allowed per subject
Teach kids to evaluate end product
Prepare dinner while child does homework so around but not hovering
Don’t sit there waiting to help
Ask child where and when wants to complete homework
Show you have your own things to take care of and stick to it
Homework performance gives teacher feedback so providing help is bad
Support efforts to work through frustration
Give new angles to try
Praise child for effort
Zero parent homework involvement once in high school

12 praise and failing grades
Grades are extrinsic motivation which undermines performance
Don’t always talk about school or grades
Emphasize goals rather than grades
I’m so proud of you for organizing x
That was a pesky job but you really stuck with it
I’m really impressed by how hard you’re  working on x
Informational feedback better
Standards based grading
Let kids pick own classes
Report cards should not be decorations for fridge
Don’t gush over good grades
Grades just measure of progress
Don’t check in on kids grades. Just talk and ask kids for updates. 
Can forego parent portal and ask kid to communicate or Can tell kid when you plan to access and discuss beforehand
Reinforce failure as opportunity for evolution 
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Conclusion

References
Books
Parenting without borders
Nurture assumption
The Parents we mean to be
Teenagers: a natural history
Duct tape parenting