Notes on Why Is My Child In Charge by Claire Lerner

I first heard about Claire Lerner on the Raising Good Humans podcast. Everything she talked about reminded me a lot of the RIE methodology, and so many of the pain points she talked about resonated with me and my own experience of raising a very strong-willed child. I feel like her book Why Is My Child In Charge?​: A Roadmap to End Power Struggles, Increase Cooperation, and Find Joy in Parenting Young Children was basically written just for me!

I just finished reading it, and I can say it's one of the top 10 best parenting books I've read. It encapsulates a lot of the ideas throughout many other books I've enjoyed (such as those by Janet Lansbury and Dan Siegel). I especially liked how it offers concrete language and suggestions for dealing with many tricky situations (bedtime, mealtime, etc.). It gives some very concrete mindset shifts that can help resolve various problems.

Below are my main notes and takeaways. I highly, highly recommend this book to any parent of a young kid.

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​Intro
Shift in mindset required
Limits helpful not harmful to kids
Kids don’t mean exactly what they say
Don’t fear the tantrum
Highly sensitive kids: orchids vs dandelions
Orchids highly sensitive to environment 

1 the 8 faulty mindsets
1 My child is misbehaving on purpose. Should be able to exhibit more self control
Child doesn’t have the impulse control
Implement limits calmly and decisively 
2 when child tries to get way, child is manipulative 
Present a couple choices and follow through 
3 I can control and change child’s feelings and behavior
Their behavior can’t set the outcome of the situation
You can’t control the kid but can control the situation and the consequences
OK to wake clock and morning box and walking back quietly back to room
4 experience tough emotions like fear, sadness, and anger is harmful to my child
Feelings aren’t harmful for kids
5 it is mean and rejecting not to give my child what he says he wants and needs; the resulting tantrums are detrimental to him 
Not detrimental 
It’s your job to set limits and they can have whatever feelings they have
Use clearly visible timer
6 experiencing failure is harmful to my child
Part of learning process
Positive stress because it leads to growth
7 providing clear directions and expectations is harmful and dictatorial
Don’t end directions with “okay?”
You can climb in on your own or I can be a helper and help you in
Difference between choice and direction
8 child has malicious intent when harmful with words and actions
Kids don’t literally mean what they say and not sociopaths
Ignore the unacceptable statements but don’t ignore the underlying feelings
Then engage in something productive

2 cooperation
Telling my child what to do is dictatorial
Clear directions better
I understand you might be upset but this is a parent rule to decide
I can control child’s behavior
Can’t depend on child agreeing to comply
Control situation
Be a helper
Read last book halfway before bed then upon waking finish reading that book to ease transition 
No screen time before school but yes before dinner
Show photos of all steps of routine
Show photos of breakfast choices night before when more organized and calm
Velcro photos of each morning activity to board including outfit choice and time allotted for each activity 
Use visual timer showing time elapsing
If extra time at end can play math game with dad on computer
Options for dress are one of two outfits from night before or pajamas to school
Pack outfit in backpack so can change from pajamas to outfit at school if needed
If breakfast time ends before eating, put food in backpack to eat later
Climb into bath or I will give you a sponge bath
Sometimes need to hold their body to brush their teeth
Warnings
Visual timers before transition 
Happy tone
Say parents will have meeting to decide what to do when kid not listening 
Lack of limits result in kid eating less
Clear limits around breakfast. When timer beeps, food is removed and breakfast is done. Two choices: eat breakfast on table or put in Togo container and take to school
Make visual schedule to guide through each step of morning routine
Include child in making it and take photos of them doing all the steps
Choose breakfast night before and include on calendar 
Make calendar for evening routine too
Ritual of brief family meeting before dinner
Photos of who is helping with which step of the routine
Check marks or stickers at each step of routine
Teach child difference between direction or choice
Direct don’t correct
Skip the no and just provide direction on what to do
Instead of “it’s not play time,” say “now is time to put on PJs”
Use a lot less language 
Give child sense of control over transition 
“First then”
First we will have a snack then we will play
Provide warning to anticipate transition 
Visual timers
Beware the brain teaser
Distractions from cooperation
Oops brain teaser It’s time to turn your brain off your toy and on to hand washing
Oops brain teaser it’s time to get back to your job
Do you need a helper? I'm going to count to 3 and you can decide if you will put away or if you need my help doing that
Establish cue with child to get attention 
Ring bell or place hand on shoulder
Teach child to pause
123 eyes on me
Or hold hand up
Two great choices
Charlie, you have two great choices: go to the stairs or I will carry you up
Avoid threats
You have two great choices
Use natural consequences instead of rewards
Linking cooperation with more time for fun activities
If you finish x faster, then more time to play
Allow banking extra time for later and then choosing how to spend that banked time later on activity of choice
Taking a parental pause to problem solve
I see you’re having a hard time doing x to leave for school
I’m going to take a minute to think about what we can do here to help
It looks like x is having a hard time coming in. Let’s have a mommy daddy meeting to decide what to do about this problem

3 tantrums
Bad mindsets
My child should be able to accept limits and exhibit greater self control
It is mean to not give child what wants
Tantrums harmful
I can control child and make them change behavior
Just temporary distress
Stick to limits but show that not alone
Make expectations clear
Show empathy for their emotions
No need to reexplain limit after enforcing it
Don’t give a lot of attention to tantrum
Tell plan ahead of time
Sing silly song when enforcing limit
I have some suggestions that could help you do x. Let me know when you’re ready to hear them. 
Even when child protests, still applaud them for surviving the difficulty
Practice prevention
Give plan ahead of time when you know something is tough
Jonny is having a hard time leaving. Why would he want to leave when having a good day? I’m going to take a daddy minute and think about what I can do to help. Hmm, how can I help Jonny cope with this? I can’t make him leave but I can offer two great choices: he can walk to the car himself or I can be a helper and carry him. I’m going to give him 30 seconds to think and decide. 
Empathize with your child
Avoid a big reaction to provocative behavior
Limit language when enforcing a limit
Stay connected with child
I will always keep you safe
No need to explain afterwards
Better to ask a silly question after or play dumb like I can’t remember is the green train Percy or Thomas
Engage in problem solving when storm subsided 
Come up with solution for leaving somewhere like to take photo and send it to person you’re leaving later
Expect things to get worse before they get better
When child loses it in public
Not doing it on purpose
Stay calm
Validate child feelings
Provide choices when possible
Don’t let onlookers get to you

4 physical aggression
Not on purpose
Explain red zone to kid
Have them make poster of calming tools like belly breaths or hitting pillow or hugging bear
Safe space/cool down area at safe word chosen by kid with boundary to prevent exit
This is Mr. Door Helper who will keep the door closed until your body calms down
Keep Language to minimum
I know this is hard. This will pass. 
Adults take break too
Choose and communicate time limit with visual timer

5 sleep
Door helper
Last chance food
Explain plan and role play both choices
Give kid mantra to say to remind self that can be fine without parent
Tell kid about using thinking brain
Allow only one redo/extra chance
Not harmful to let child struggle even when throws up when upset. Calmly change clothes and don’t give attention 
Short term pain for long term gain
Create a wake up ritual
Agree upon signal for when ready
Create a wake up box for kid for time to self when waking up
Guiding principles
It’s all about associations
Less is more. Less interaction 
Whisper loving mantra when leaving room
Don’t try to talk your child into accepting your limit

6 potty learning
Kids want to be in control
Don’t compare to classmates
Parents explain they will let go
Give a couple choices and don’t share preference for which and explain natural consequences of each choice 
Stop talking about it and reading about it
Don’t try to coax into changing mind
Engage the lovey and pretend play talk to it
Don’t give rewards for using potty
Don’t celebrate accomplishments; just say that the effort they did was great
Deal with accidents calmly and straightforward 
Don’t suggest you are invested in any way in either option
Don’t throw potty party when kid uses it. Just be calm
Don’t fear tantrums
Say we are in trouble with the doctor and that kid can figure out the new next step when ready
Say it’s up to the kid to do it when ready
No shaming or annoyance at accidents; just clean up calmly and move on matter of factly
Can announce date with no diapers and leave child to decide what to do about it
Don’t push process until child interested in it
Let child experience natural consequences of choices. Leave playground early if need to go to bathroom so next time will go before. 
Don’t do this during another major life change

7 meal time
Last chance to eat before bed
Clear directions and expectations
No screens at table
Only he decides how much to eat
Set time limit on dinner with visual timer
More freedom on feeding himself
Each Share story about your day
Give silly food combinations and feed food to each other
Don’t coax to eat more
Learning plate of foods kid is open to try and separate plate of favorites 
Child safe knife
Make food exploration fun
Don’t praise trying new food
Don’t show happiness over kid doing what you want because kids see that as a form of control
Create breakfast book to show options for the day. Once she makes choice, no changes after. 
Allow kid to help prep breakfast the way she wants
If kid chooses not to eat, no problem, will put in takeout container for later
Calm when kid has big reaction
Kid not purposefully misbehaving
Basket of healthy foods allowed as treat
Strategies
Create routines around meals. Hearing stories from your childhood. 
Each person has job around meal
Engage child in setting menu for week and buying ingredients and in preparing meal with child safe knife
Count pieces as eat
What to avoid
Nagging kids to eat
Giving bribes for eating
Screens at table

8 your job
Be responsive and be helper not savior
Responsive vs reactive parenting
Take step back and decide proper response
Sports cast to get time to think
Time out to discuss plan with other adult
Helper vs problem solver
Not fixer
Guide through problem
Provide info and tools
Don’t do for child what they can do themselves
Guide through series of steps
Happy child doesn’t mean they’re happy all the time 

References
How toddlers thrive
Beyond behavior