![]() I read John Gottman's What Makes Love Last because I really enjoyed his famous Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I didn't find What Makes Love Last to be as useful as its focus on trust and trust issues seemed kind of out of place or random and disconnected logically from the very general idea of making love last ([mis]trust seems like only one of the ways love can fail). I didn't end up getting much practical value from the book, though the discussion of the Zeigarnik Effect was interesting. Intro Betrayal cause of love failing Trust is antidote 1 assessing your trust level Having each other's back Trying to help your partner get value 2 the 3 boxes Nice box: repair attempts Neutral box: happiest couples spend more time in neutral during disagreements Nasty box: flooding Sliding door moments: can turn toward partner at bids or away Zeigarnik effect: we have better recall for issues that are unfinished or unresolved than those that are finished or closed Negative sentiment override: viewing positive or neutral things with suspicion Positive sentiment override: giving benefit of doubt Gentle start: opposite of criticism (words like always and never) Accept responsibility for some of the problem Negative comparisons to others bad Positive comparisons create us vs world attitude Describe feelings Ask open ended questions Reflect back partners feelings Deepening statements Express compassion or empathy Don't offer opinions or problem solving Understanding must precede advice Be an ally more than problem solver Express needs in positive What else are you feeling Enduring vulnerabilities State of the union meetings Transform criticism into a wish
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