Notes on What Makes Love Last by John Gottman

I read John Gottman's What Makes Love Last because I really enjoyed his famous Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I didn't find What Makes Love Last to be as useful as its focus on trust and trust issues seemed kind of out of place or random and disconnected logically from the very general idea of making love last ([mis]trust seems like only one of the ways love can fail). I didn't end up getting much practical value from the book, though the discussion of the Zeigarnik Effect was interesting.

​Intro
Betrayal cause of love failing
Trust is antidote 

1 assessing your trust level
Having each other's back
Trying to help your partner get value

2 the 3 boxes
Nice box: repair attempts
Neutral box: happiest couples spend more time in neutral during disagreements 
Nasty box: flooding
Sliding door moments: can turn toward partner at bids or away
Zeigarnik effect: we have better recall for issues that are unfinished or unresolved than those that are finished or closed
Negative sentiment override: viewing positive or neutral things with suspicion
Positive sentiment override: giving benefit of doubt
Gentle start: opposite of criticism (words like always and never)
Accept responsibility for some of the problem
Negative comparisons to others bad
Positive comparisons create us vs world attitude
Describe feelings
Ask open ended questions
Reflect back partners feelings
Deepening statements
Express compassion or empathy
Don't offer opinions or problem solving
Understanding must precede advice
Be an ally more than problem solver
Express needs in positive
What else are you feeling
Enduring vulnerabilities 
State of the union meetings
Transform criticism into a wish

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