Notes on Man Made by Joel Stein

I don't remember how I heard about this book, but it was hilarious. Joel Stein, a writer for Time Magazine, wrote a book called Man Made, chronicling his quest to find masculinity when his son was born. The self-effacing, brutally honest stories in the book made laugh as much as they made me think.

It's been interesting to compare and contrast some of the books I've read recently on the topic, like Iron John. In Joel's book, I found myself finding many parallels and similarities between my own life and his, so a lot of what he described resonated with me. There were many times though where I was shocked at just how scared and dainty Joel seemed; in that sense, just reading the book makes you feel manly (compared to Joel). But in other senses, you definitely feel respect for him (like fighting for 5 minutes with a UFC champ).

I've made some of my own steps towards doing "manly" things, and I've done them in my own way, which I'm proud of -- like scuba diving, learning to fly, and martial arts. His take-home message -- that you learn by doing and push your comfort zone -- made a lot of sense to me.

I'm curious if others out there have gone on similar quests and what they experienced.

Below are my notes and takeaways from the book (sorry for any name misspellings).

Intro

• Father to a boy
  
• Freaks out
  
• How to find own masculinity
  
• There are gender differences and important different roles for both to play
  
• Too much feminism wrong
  
• Learn how to be a man
  
• Had a soft life, avoided guy activities
  
• List of tasks to turn into man
  
• Fears are just list of things to do
  
• Not old style man tasks, not über modern
  

Ch 1: surviving outdoors

• Start out as 11 year old boy
  
• Didn't join boy scouts
  
• Never was outside as kid
  
• Spend weekend as boy scout
  
• Without modern comforts
  
• Firestone Scout Reservation in Los Angeles
  
• Scout leader Rick Pierce
  
• Mom didn't let him join boy scouts
  
• Goes for weekend
  
• Mom liberal feminist therapist
  
• Snipes are fake birds hunted
  
• Boyish delight, being born happy
  
• List of life advice for kid
  
• Experience of birth of child
  
• Cries more after son born
  

Boy scout weekend

• Wants to learn man skills so doesn't pass on inadequacies to kid
  
• Don't need so much clothing or niceties
  
• No pooping
  
• Peeing on trees
  
• No brushing teeth or changing underwear
  
• Learn to unbrush, unfloss
  
• Lose the baggage
  
• Barfing on each other
  
• Passed boy scout test
  
• Confrontation and fighting part of manhood
  
• Nerdiness is big part of manliness
  

Ch 2: helping the helpless

• Service projects 
  
• Learn from Firefighters
  
• Bravery
  
• Real men use military time
  
• Captain Buzz Smith of LA County Fire Dept No 27
  
• Go reading to kids
  
• Firefighters sleep at the station instead of like shifts
  
• Like frat house
  
• Like each other
  
• Visit hospital where they bring patients to
  
• Love donuts
  
• Men in fire house each have project they're building with their own money
  
• Lunch at In n Out
  
• Being a liberal isn't manly
  
• Most republicans
  
• Is manliness needed with technology?
  
• Progress = enemy of masculinity
  
• Guy trips together on days off
  
• Two families each has
  
• Guys bond over pranks
  
• Affection masked as hostility
  
• Dinner called family time
  
• Game to decide who washes dishes
  
• And then everyone does the dishes anyways
  
• Stop thinking about stuff and start doing stuff
  
• Use the pole because more awesome than stairs
  
• Risking life for something as a team makes him happy and productive
  
• Sad when beaten by other trucks to fight fire
  
• Firemen clean up after fighting fire
  
• Woken up in middle of night
  
• More like social workers and chauffeurs for the poor than superheroes
  
• Great bonding
  
• Common purpose of sacrifice
  
• Made him glad he has a boy
  

Ch 3: engaging in competition

• Excitement of hanging out with the guys
  
• Need more entry points to convos with real men
  
• Shawn Green MLB all Star coached him on baseball
  
• Book: The Way of Baseball
  
• Shawn went to Stanford like Joel
  
• Likes meditation
  
• Girls have hotness
  
• Boys have quantifiable measure of value: athletic ability
  
• Not knowing about football kills convos with men
  
• Pro-Ball indoor baseball training facility
  
• pomade by crew or unite creamy paste
  
• Badass Jew
  
• His dad was very aggressive and conflict seeking
  
• Dealt with antisemitism
  
• Line cutting vigilantism
  
• Focusing on physical talent is invigorating
  
• Shawn took 2 Buddhism classes at Stanford. Philosophy of acceptance
  
• 20 min daily meditation and yoga
  
• Learns to throw baseball
  
• Swing on ball with tee
  
• Focus on present moment
  
• Drink tea and wine, no coffee or beer
  
• Non-Jewish wives
  
• Try chewing tobacco
  
• Can be wimp inside but just expand and try new things
  
• Hates football
  
• Tribal, warlike, anti intellectual football
  

Goes to friends to watch football

• Prepares with sports newscaster
  
• Tip 1 to watch game: shut the hell up
  
• When don't know how to act like a man then act like my dad
  
• Ass slapping 
  
• Arm slapping
  
• Group of guys experiencing something together
  
• Swimsuit calendar
  
• Only no perfect grade on report card was gym
  
• Family crest
  
• Wants to learn how to fight from UFC champion
  

Ch 4: bonding with men

• Learns to drink scorch from Macallan brand manager
  

Ch 5: making money

• learns from day trader
  
• Posts on dealbreaker blog for someone to give him 100k to trade for a day 
  
• Step in when no one's trading and scared
  
• Trading not about money but about quantification of competition and your pursuit to be the best u can
  
• just trade in first hour and don't trade rest of day
  
• A bit at end too
  
• Traders cursing
  
• Lights off
  
• No women
  
• Midday breaks
  
• Didn't avoid the big chances
  
• Like taking risks
  
• Matt doesn't drink alcohol
  
• After hours trading important
  
• Was afraid of change but now ok for danger and change
  
• Al the action is in taking risk
  
• Manage risk more actively
  

Ch 6: using machines

• Son loves cars
  
• Needs to learn about cars
  
• Takes Lamborghini to drive for 3 days
  

Ch 7: taming animals

• Owning a dog
  
• Get over fear of dogs
  
• Reduced uptightness
  
• Limited himself in past to maintain his identity and to belong to tribe
  
• Rescue dogs
  
• Playing with pit bull
  
• Feels present with dog
  
• Dog anal glands
  
• Learning to be fearless and gentle
  

Ch 8: building shelter

• Do things yourself and be proud of your results
  
• Build your own world and your own house
  
• Learn from father in law
  
• Self reliance
  
• Learns to fix up home
  
• Learns to see beauty everywhere
  
• Perfectionist who likes creating good work
  
• Being dad just requires being present
  
• Skills of new manhood
  
• Son a bit wimpy after all
  
• Stand the way you want your son to stand
  

Ch 9: providing food

• Need to practice destroying stuff
  
• Understand violence
  
• Learn hunting from Matt Stefina of Vermont trap fun tour company
  
• Have to really care about turkeys to want to kill
  
• Peaceful fishing
  
• Accept discomfort of loneliness and boredom
  
• Calm mental chatter
  
• Standing up for wife
  
• Doesn't regret not going over to beat other guy up and regrets not regretting it after all done
  

Ch 10: defending my country

• Get military to force him to change and grow
  
• Been anti military his whole life
  
• Joins marine bootcamp
  
• 54 hours of challenges
  
• Gets hair shaved
  
• Pain is weakness leaving your body
  
• Really bad at joining a group and submerging who
  
• Joins army bootcamp and fires a tank
  
• Happy and present at army bootcamp
  
• Honorable conduct
  
• Discipline
  
• Always looking fresh
  

Ch 11: protecting my family

• Got punched in face by reality show guy who lived with lions
  
• His brain skips anger entirely
  
• Anger deficient
  
• Works with fighter/boxer
  
• Goes through with fight with randy couture even when feels pain
  

Conclusion

• Didn't totally change himself
  
• Changed how he reacts to conflict
  
• Change not by deciding but by doing
  
• Taking punches makes you tough
  
• Change is possible
  
• Attitude to face fears and challenges
  
• Dad gives gift of making son feel safe
  
• Man needs to learn for himself

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