I recently finished reading Just Tell Me What to Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents by Betsy Brown Braun, and I liked it a lot. I found the second half of the book that went through various themes of conversations/situations and provided actual scripts and language to be really helpful; the first half, which was more about the principles, was good too, though it covered material I've read in other books as well. I had heard the author speak at a live event a few years ago, and this book is now a good complement to what I learned from her before. While I don't intend to read or copy verbatim the scripts in the book, it is helpful to read specific, concrete examples of how to talk about certain issues in order to understand the method/reasoning behind it, and that's what I enjoyed most from this book. Below are my main notes and takeaways. I definitely recommend it for any parent of a young kid. 1 small talk is big talk: how to communicate
Purposeful and deliberate communication 4 ways to communicate Verbal Nonverbal Listening Modeling Physical distance 2-4 feet during talk No physical barriers Can we sit down and talk together? Eye intact doesn’t have to be constant Create a multi sensory connection Come down to their level Look at them Put hand on arm or shoulder gently Encourage child to talk Forego baby voice. Use real adult words pronounced right. Don’t scold child for pronouncing incorrectly Less is more Talk less as adult Be specific Clear and direct Ask questions that cannot be answered by single word or yes no What were some activities you did Have mutual conversations and tell something that you saw and ask what they think Listen without immediate correction or judgment Honor the feelings your child shares with you Beware of asking why Tone of voice: save I mean business voice Body language communicates to child Respectful ways to communicate Don’t talk about child in front of child Teasing Sarcasm Spelling secret words they don’t understand Don’t interrupt when child talking If can’t give full attention now, tell them Honor their wish and write it down Don’t say good job Praise effort not goal and effect of the action Honor all kids’ questions Correct misinformation drop by drop Give honest responses Be patient answering the same multiple times 2 “Tommy just doesn’t listen” - discipline do’s and don’ts Developmental tests It’s just too hard for you to not touch the remote so I’m going to move it away for now Yelling doesn’t help Keep expectations low and reasonable Children choose with whom they misbehave Avoid you’re in big trouble Always start with yes not no There are child choices and grown up choices Follow through with consequence. No waffling or backing down. Consequences vs punishments Logical vs natural Beware of overkill punishments Diversionary tactics Stay firm I have made my decision and I won’t change my mind Regardless of the names you call me, you still You are responsible for your body so you will We don’t change the rule after it’s been broken I’m done talking about this Carry kid to car in morning. Keep extra clothes in car for them to put on there Tantrums Normal part of development Don’t reason Say as little as possible Move them to safe place Do not leave child alone You are really angry. I will wait until you are done. Paradigm shift: come on, let’s see if there are squirrels outside Tantrums at restaurant Take them out immediately and home immediately Go without kid to restaurant and tell them they can come when they can behave 3 “it’s all Molly’s fault!” sibling issues Rivalry Learning to share parents Receiving vs giving Fighting Life is not fair Children need different parents There is a rotating pill/annoying person It will all come out in a wash No hurting rule Use a timer to take turns Unless there is blood, I’m out Help person who is hurt first Separate the children. Tell them to cool off for 5 min Do not single out one child I hope everything is ok in there (without stepping in) I hope you two will be able to work this out (without stepping in) Seat kids away from each other and ask each to tell what happened while other sits quietly and listens Ask kids to go into room and come up with solution after a min Give yourself a timeout and take yourself out of the situation. I don’t know what’s going on but I’m going to go outside and give you two one minute to work out a solution. Car fighting Be consistent I will not drive while fighting is happening. Pull over. Read book. Wait until they stop. Give each child own space and toys Do not force children to share Teach older sibling to remove self from younger one and protect toys away from younger Give children enough time alone daily Avoid comparisons between children Don’t drag one sibling with the other to their activities. Give each time separately. Don’t force them to make up when angry. Acknowledge their feelings. Tattling Do not accept it Only want to know if there is danger Do not reprimand for tattling “Oh” is the maximum response Follow up later Create family rituals Allow kids to have secrets together 4 “how many bites til I can get dessert”: children’s eating habits and behaviors Relax about food per day and timing Keep foods separate Give choice from snack box of acceptable foods Model good eating habits Have rules around where food is eaten Do not make food a battle No more clean plate club Small children need small amounts Give small amount then wait for them to ask for more Allow child to spit out or not try Teach child about junk foods Trick foods Don’t be special meal chef Have default foods on hand Don’t comment on picky eater Offer no more than 2-3 choices Involve the child in the food prep Do not use sweets as a reward No more than one per day Limit desserts kept at home Table behavior Put away electronics Ask questions about life Stop feeding kids over 18 mo Expect child to sit in own chair 5-10 min expectation to sit at table End when child stops behaving 5 get fingers out of nose: manners and social graces Praise when they do the right thing Practice with stuffed animals Model saying please and thank you Ignore or give hand signal when please word is missing Decline play dates when they don’t say thank you Kid controls their kisses and hugs Have kid come up with own way to say I’m sorry How might you stop yourself next time before doing the mistake Telephone manners. Safety issues if answered too young. Dealing with rudeness in public Always respond to your child’s question and tell them in quiet voice that you will answer them later to not hurt someone’s feeling and then explain later Create signal or code word between parent and child to talk quietly Boogers and nose picking Give information on how and where to pick nose Teach nose blowing Say as little as possible or ignore 6 “it’s not fair” - day to day parenting dilemmas Whining Do not respond at all with any sound Teach child about different voices Tell child which voice needed Develop secret signal to show when whining Catch child not whining Respond right away even if can’t help immediately Do not respond to public whining Backtalk You need to change your tone. How you’re speaking is unacceptable to me. Mind your anger Do not engage when child talks back Swearing Decide which words not ok to say and stick to it Model appropriate language Ignore if they say it I will not be with someone who uses that language Stupid is an unkind thing to call someone Potty talk Ignore it It’s not fair Everyone gets what they need Everyone’s needs are different Don’t try for equal treatment Write down their desires so they feel heard I hate you Teach child it’s ok to be angry at you Speak to the feeling without commenting on his words Don’t try to prove them wrong Don’t show these words affect you Lying Normal Bending reality Wishful thinking Just state facts and your request Never ask a question to which you know the answer Don’t shame. Just state what you see and ask for help Give information and explain why important to tell whole real story Explain white lies Keep your word and acknowledge it when you don’t Praise child’s truthfulness 7 how did the belly get in your tummy - learning about birds and bees Have family meals and conversations Talk about what seeing on TV and billboards and share your opinion Dress child like child Model right behavior Teach kids to be respectful Teach child what is appropriate in public vs private Explain what privacy means Example about bathroom Knock on child closed door and ask to be admitted Healthy body Body is yours to take care of Kid is boss of own body Model taking care of own body Nudity fine until 4 Cobathing until 7 Answer child questions directly Ask what they know already Good sample answers in book 8 did mommy’s hair fall out - serious illness Need to talk to child about it Don’t be overly technical It’s ok not to know the answer It’s ok to be sad Don’t use word sick but instead problem or operation X has a problem with his y. It’s not working how it’s supposed to. Doctors are trying to fix it. Share plan with kid daily Play doctor Create book of photos documenting the experience to process it Don’t overload healthy sibling with responsibilities. Spend time with healthy one. 9 why is my goldfish floating - learning about death Explain life cycle Use real words Explain life spans Create growth chart Demonstrate reverence for life Tell the truth when animals die Don’t flush down toilet Avoid euphemisms Avoid word “sick” Do not associate sleep with death Explain how long you will be their parent Explain funeral process if asked and crying Grieving Explain it Plant tree to remember Make book about them Condolences Help kid create card or bake cookies 10 mommy and daddy have something to tell you - divorce Never a surprise for kid Parents still parents Not their fault Do not need to explain why Moving logistics Do not place blame on ex Keep private what done at each house 11 is the fire going to come to our house - natural disasters I will keep you safe Protect kids under 7 from news and media First ask what child knows Don’t give too much info Bedtime not good time to discuss Use car time to talk Maintain calm and routines Have kids do something to help others in need Recommended books by theme at end
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