Notes on Just Tell Me What To Say by Betsy Brown Braun

I recently finished reading Just Tell Me What to Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents by Betsy Brown Braun, and I liked it a lot. I found the second half of the book that went through various themes of conversations/situations and provided actual scripts and language to be really helpful; the first half, which was more about the principles, was good too, though it covered material I've read in other books as well. I had heard the author speak at a live event a few years ago, and this book is now a good complement to what I learned from her before.

While I don't intend to read or copy verbatim the scripts in the book, it is helpful to read specific, concrete examples of how to talk about certain issues in order to understand the method/reasoning behind it, and that's what I enjoyed most from this book.

Below are my main notes and takeaways. I definitely recommend it for any parent of a young kid.

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​1 small talk is big talk: how to communicate 
Purposeful and deliberate communication 
4 ways to communicate
Verbal
Nonverbal
Listening
Modeling
Physical distance 2-4 feet during talk
No physical barriers 
Can we sit down and talk together?
Eye intact doesn’t have to be constant
Create a multi sensory connection
Come down to their level
Look at them
Put hand on arm or shoulder gently
Encourage child to talk
Forego baby voice. Use real adult words pronounced right. 
Don’t scold child for pronouncing incorrectly
Less is more
Talk less as adult
Be specific
Clear and direct
Ask questions that cannot be answered by single word or yes no
What were some activities you did
Have mutual conversations and tell something that you saw and ask what they think
Listen without immediate correction or judgment
Honor the feelings your child shares with you
Beware of asking why
Tone of voice: save I mean business voice
Body language communicates to child
Respectful ways to communicate 
Don’t talk about child in front of child
Teasing
Sarcasm
Spelling secret words they don’t understand 
Don’t interrupt when child talking
If can’t give full attention now, tell them
Honor their wish and write it down
Don’t say good job
Praise effort not goal and effect of the action
Honor all kids’ questions
Correct misinformation drop by drop
Give honest responses
Be patient answering the same multiple times

2 “Tommy just doesn’t listen” - discipline do’s and don’ts
Developmental tests
It’s just too hard for you to not touch the remote so I’m going to move it away for now
Yelling doesn’t help
Keep expectations low and reasonable
Children choose with whom they misbehave
Avoid you’re in big trouble
Always start with yes not no
There are child choices and grown up choices
Follow through with consequence. No waffling or backing down. 
Consequences vs punishments
Logical vs natural 
Beware of overkill punishments
Diversionary tactics
Stay firm
I have made my decision and I won’t change my mind
Regardless of the names you call me, you still
You are responsible for your body so you will
We don’t change the rule after it’s been broken
I’m done talking about this
Carry kid to car in morning. Keep extra clothes in car for them to put on there
Tantrums
Normal part of development
Don’t reason
Say as little as possible
Move them to safe place
Do not leave child alone
You are really angry. I will wait until you are done. 
Paradigm shift: come on, let’s see if there are squirrels outside
Tantrums at restaurant 
Take them out immediately and home immediately 
Go without kid to restaurant and tell them they can come when they can behave

3 “it’s all Molly’s fault!” sibling issues
Rivalry
Learning to share parents
Receiving vs giving
Fighting
Life is not fair
Children need different parents
There is a rotating pill/annoying person
It will all come out in a wash
No hurting rule
Use a timer to take turns
Unless there is blood, I’m out
Help person who is hurt first
Separate the children. Tell them to cool off for 5 min
Do not single out one child
I hope everything is ok in there (without stepping in)
I hope you two will be able to work this out (without stepping in)
Seat kids away from each other and ask each to tell what happened while other sits quietly and listens
Ask kids to go into room and come up with solution after a min
Give yourself a timeout and take yourself out of the situation. I don’t know what’s going on but I’m going to go outside and give you two one minute to work out a solution.
Car fighting
Be consistent
I will not drive while fighting is happening. Pull over. Read book. Wait until they stop. 
Give each child own space and toys
Do not force children to share
Teach older sibling to remove self from younger one and protect toys away from younger
Give children enough time alone daily
Avoid comparisons between children 
Don’t drag one sibling with the other to their activities. Give each time separately. 
Don’t force them to make up when angry. Acknowledge their feelings. 
Tattling
Do not accept it
Only want to know if there is danger
Do not reprimand for tattling
“Oh” is the maximum response
Follow up later
Create family rituals
Allow kids to have secrets together

4 “how many bites til I can get dessert”: children’s eating habits and behaviors
Relax about food per day and timing
Keep foods separate
Give choice from snack box of acceptable foods
Model good eating habits
Have rules around where food is eaten
Do not make food a battle
No more clean plate club
Small children need small amounts
Give small amount then wait for them to ask for more
Allow child to spit out or not try
Teach child about junk foods
Trick foods
Don’t be special meal chef
Have default foods on hand
Don’t comment on picky eater
Offer no more than 2-3 choices 
Involve the child in the food prep
Do not use sweets as a reward
No more than one per day
Limit desserts kept at home
Table behavior 
Put away electronics
Ask questions about life
Stop feeding kids over 18 mo
Expect child to sit in own chair 
5-10 min expectation to sit at table
End when child stops behaving

5 get fingers out of nose: manners and social graces
Praise when they do the right thing
Practice with stuffed animals
Model saying please and thank you 
Ignore or give hand signal when please word is missing
Decline play dates when they don’t say thank you
Kid controls their kisses and hugs
Have kid come up with own way to say I’m sorry
How might you stop yourself next time before doing the mistake
Telephone manners. Safety issues if answered too young. 
Dealing with rudeness in public
Always respond to your child’s question and tell them in quiet voice that you will answer them later to not hurt someone’s feeling and then explain later
Create signal or code word between parent and child to talk quietly
Boogers and nose picking
Give information on how and where to pick nose
Teach nose blowing 
Say as little as possible or ignore 

6 “it’s not fair” - day to day parenting dilemmas
Whining
Do not respond at all with any sound
Teach child about different voices
Tell child which voice needed
Develop secret signal to show when whining
Catch child not whining
Respond right away even if can’t help immediately 
Do not respond to public whining
Backtalk
You need to change your tone. How you’re speaking is unacceptable to me. 
Mind your anger
Do not engage when child talks back
Swearing
Decide which words not ok to say and stick to it
Model appropriate language
Ignore if they say it
I will not be with someone who uses that language
Stupid is an unkind thing to call someone
Potty talk
Ignore it
It’s not fair
Everyone gets what they need
Everyone’s needs are different
Don’t try for equal treatment
Write down their desires so they feel heard
I hate you
Teach child it’s ok to be angry at you
Speak to the feeling without commenting on his words
Don’t try to prove them wrong
Don’t show these words affect you
Lying
Normal
Bending reality
Wishful thinking
Just state facts and your request
Never ask a question to which you know the answer
Don’t shame. Just state what you see and ask for help
Give information and explain why important to tell whole real story
Explain white lies
Keep your word and acknowledge it when you don’t
Praise child’s truthfulness

7 how did the belly get in your tummy - learning about birds and bees
Have family meals and conversations 
Talk about what seeing on TV and billboards and share your opinion
Dress child like child
Model right behavior
Teach kids to be respectful
Teach child what is appropriate in public vs private
Explain what privacy means
Example about bathroom
Knock on child closed door and ask to be admitted
Healthy body
Body is yours to take care of
Kid is boss of own body
Model taking care of own body
Nudity fine until 4
Cobathing until 7
Answer child questions directly
Ask what they know already
Good sample answers in book

8 did mommy’s hair fall out - serious illness
Need to talk to child about it
Don’t be overly technical
It’s ok not to know the answer
It’s ok to be sad
Don’t use word sick but instead problem or operation 
X has a problem with his y. It’s not working how it’s supposed to. Doctors are trying to fix it. 
Share plan with kid daily
Play doctor
Create book of photos documenting the experience to process it
Don’t overload healthy sibling with responsibilities. Spend time with healthy one. 

9 why is my goldfish floating - learning about death
Explain life cycle
Use real words
Explain life spans
Create growth chart
Demonstrate reverence for life
Tell the truth when animals die
Don’t flush down toilet
Avoid euphemisms
Avoid word “sick”
Do not associate sleep with death
Explain how long you will be their parent
Explain funeral process if asked and crying
Grieving
Explain it
Plant tree to remember
Make book about them
Condolences
Help kid create card or bake cookies

10 mommy and daddy have something to tell you - divorce
Never a surprise for kid
Parents still parents
Not their fault
Do not need to explain why
Moving logistics
Do not place blame on ex
Keep private what done at each house

11 is the fire going to come to our house - natural disasters
I will keep you safe
Protect kids under 7 from news and media
First ask what child knows
Don’t give too much info
Bedtime not good time to discuss
Use car time to talk
Maintain calm and routines
Have kids do something to help others in need

Recommended books by theme at end