Notes on How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King

asfasdf Notes on How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 by Joanna Faber and Julie King

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​Part 1 essential toolbox

1 tools for handling emotions
If you aren’t sure what’s right, try it out on yourself
Acknowledge feelings with words
Think about the emotion he’s feeling
Name the emotion in a sentence
First need to acknowledge before can discipline
Accept sad feelings
Sit on those buts; don’t say but after acknowledging feelings
Replace but with “the problem is”
Acknowledge feelings with writing. Wish list
“Even though you know we can’t X, you really want”
Write down word cookie on circular paper when kid wants cookie
Acknowledge feelings with art
Let’s draw on the board how you feel. Is this how you feel?
You’re not ready to get up for school. I’m going to go downstairs and get you paper and crayons so you can draw how you don’t want to do x. 
Performance art. Show me how mad you are with crayons. 
Match the emotion. Be dramatic
Give in fantasy what you cannot give in reality
Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child
You seem sad
“Something happened”
Acknowledge feelings with almost silent attention
Ugh
Hmm
Uh oh
Nothing more

2 tools for engaging cooperation
Kids resist doing what told to do
Be playful
Make inanimate objects talk. 
Empty shoes: I feel cold and empty. Won’t someone put a nice warm foot in me? 
Empty toy boxes: feed me blocks. I like the green crunchy ones.
Toothbrushes can talk: I see a germ behind that molar
Turn boring task into a game or challenge
How many seconds do you think it’ll take to toss all your dirty clothes into the basket?
We have to get to car from door. Let’s try hopping. 
Do you think you can get your PJs on with your eyes closed?
Talk like a duck or famous hero instead of Normal voice
Leave house avoiding lava or quicksand or alligators
Freeze like statues
Give energy pill (raisin) to get energy to clean up
Offer different character voices to help kid dress
Pretend to be animal as you go from car parking to school
The very hungry nail clipper
Offer a choice
Do you want your bath with bubbles or boats
Do you want to take a toy or snack along for the ride
Do you want to do your homework on top of the table or under the table
Do you want to jump 5 or 10 more times before putting on PJs?
Don’t turn a choice into a threat. Both options should be pleasant
Put the child in charge
Define job that needs to be done and let kid do details 
Make temperature chart if kid argues with wearing jacket. Let kid check thermometer and tell everyone what to wear. 
Let kid be in charge of timer
Give information
Let child figure out for self what to do
Keyboards are delicate. All they need is a light tough
Glue sticks dry out if left open
Law is that we must be buckled
The mail belongs to the desk
Say it with a word or gesture
Don’t lecture
Just one word of what needs to be done
Child tells self what to do
One word should be a noun not a verb
Tooth brushing gesture
Describe what you see
I see a jacket on the floor
I see a kid with shirt but no pants
Appreciate progress before pointing out what’s left
Describe how you feel
I’m frustrated with x
I’ll get frustrated if I don’t finish x before helping u
Use word and avoid word you
When I see one child doing x I get upset
I get scared when I see
I don’t like being yelled at
Write a note
Even if don’t know how to read
Invitation to bathe
Kid Checks off time slot to bathe and what features
Take action without insult
I see you have a lot of energy. I’m going to find you something better to play with.

3 tools for resolving conflict
Punishment bad
Express your feelings strongly
Hey, I don’t like seeing you push!
Show your child how to make amends
Offer a choice
Take action without insult
We are heading home. I’m too worried about X
Take action to protect but not to punish
Try problem solving when mood is calm
First acknowedge child feelings
Describe problem and your feelings
Ask for ideas and write down all
Put preposterous ideas on list
Decide which ideas you both like and which you neither like
Try out your solutions
Bring list to park and check plan with kid
Show respect for the conflict
Remove the disputed object temporarily while kids solve problem
Trouble with rewards
Punishment in disguise
Better to figure out right solution
As soon as you’ve finished cleaning up, we can do x
Let’s think of a good snack to have on the ride home. That way we have something nice to look forward to even when we have to leave our friends. 
As soon as we have our teeth brushed, we can have bedtime stories
Trouble with time outs
She’s crying. How can we help her feel better?
I don’t like seeing people pushed even when you’re angry
Maybe you need a special word to say when u need help
Ok to take a break with time out
We need a time out to take a break. You go here and I’ll go here
Time in: spend time together to recuperate
Oh no she’s sad. We need a idea to help her. Can you think of anything?

4 tools for praise and appreciation
It’s not always appropriate to praise. Give kid space. Let them just enjoy task. 
Describe what you see instead of just “good job”
I see green lines on a page
I see you put away all the blocks and I see bare floor
You did it
This makes me think of x
Ask questions
Tell me about what you made
How did you get this idea
I wonder what you’re going to make next
Describe the effect on others
The baby loves it when you make those sounds
You carried those bags to the kitchen. What a big help
Describe effort
You kept working on that puzzle until you figured it out
Describe progress even if not going well
Look at this letter B that looks beautiful right on the line
Notice 3 positive things before saying negative
Focus on what needs to be done rather than what’s wrong
Sometimes acknowledging feelings is more helpful than praise
It’s frustrating to see x when you want to do x
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just do z and then y
Give a child a new picture of himself
Respond about memory of what they did as young kid
Give opportunities to kid to show u progress
Don’t praise by comparison 
Describe actions, feelings, effects on others

5 tools for kids who are differently wired
Join them in their world. Play their game. 
Take time to imagine what child is experiencing
Put into words what kids want to say
Adjust expectations. Manage the environment not the child
Can’t expect child to always have skills he learned before. Depends on time and tiredness
Use alternatives to spoken word
Write a note
Use a gesture
Use a picture 
Use a checklist like for wardrobe
Use a song
Tell them what they can do instead of what they can’t
Be playful
Food magician

Chapter 5.25 the basics
Hunger and lack of sleep need to be dealt with first before communication tools 
Need for recovery time
Need not to be overwhelmed
Match expectations to child state of development
Keep plans simple and humble with young kids

Part 2 tools in action

1 food fights
Serve empty plate and let kid choose own food
Don’t use dessert as bargaining chip
Can serve only at snack time and only in limit
Don’t use dessert as reward for eating normal food
Get kids involved with shopping for food and preparing it
If kid doesn’t want to eat the prepared food, they can eat some standard backup food like sandwich and carrot
Keep sweets and juices out

2 morning madness
Make clothing talk and be alive
Offer silly choices for how to get into clothes or car
Put 6 steps of morning routine on cardboard and kid makes smiley across
Last step is free play or touch the couch which can do once all prior steps done
Touch the couch game: parent can block with body but not with hands and kid needs to try to touch the couch

3 sibling rivalry
Accept feelings
Give wishes in fantasy. Let older child pretend to be a baby. Come sit on my lap and be a super baby
Describe what you see
Put the child in charge so he can see self differently 
Make specific special time to be one on one with older kid
Describe problem from both points of view
Tell older child stories about his baby days
Take action without insult. don’t put child in role of aggressor
We need to separate. I don’t want to see anyone hurt
Try problem solving. Resist urge to take sides or minimize the problem. A wants x and B wants y. This is a tough problem. We need ideas. What can we do about it?

4 shopping with children 
Small allowance
Allow kid one choice in store
Give kids job. Make shopping list. Look for certain things in store. 
Add to wishlist when kid wants something
Put the child in charge
Offer a choice
Acknowledge feelings with a wishlist
We’re going shopping for x’s birthday. Let’s bring a piece of paper to write down if you see something you want for yourself

5 lies
Normal for small kids to lie
Lies represent wishes
No need to ask if you already know what kid did
State the obvious
Accept the feeling behind the protest
Help kid make amends

6 parents have feelings too
I’m too upset to talk about this right now. Let’s talk about it later. Then do a roar
Express your feelings strongly
I don’t like being told x
Give self and child time to recover

7 taddling 
Resolve conflicts without punishing. Accept feelings
Tell aggressor that it hurt the other person but not punishing one or dismissing other
Help child make amends without punishing
Try problem solving

8 cleanup
Adjust expectations
Use play and make bags and boxes talk as they eat the toys
Make it a race with stopwatch
Get them counting 
Write a note. Please hang me on a hook, love, your coat
Include a picture
Describe what you see with appreciation
Point out progress instead of showing incompleteness
Limit self to one word for lecture
It’s ok if you have to do it yourself sometimes

9 doctors orders
Govt in fantasy. I wish they could put the medicine in lollipops
Offer choice. Who will clap for you when done 
Give something to look forward to. Stop somewhere fun to get treat after
Ugh you really don’t like the taste of this medicine. How can we get this medicine in your body in the easiest way possible? We need ideas
Acknowledge feelings 
Be playful 

10 shy kids
Prepare ahead of time
X will join you when he’s ready
Acknowledge feelings
Adjust expectations
Give child something to do instead of forcing them to be social
Offer a choice
Be playful. Sock puppet

11 little runaways: kids who take off
Manage the environment instead of the child
Stay in playgrounds that are fenced
Offer a choice: do you want to hold this or that
Have problem solving discussion ahead of time
Secret signal
Be careful of imaginary animals in parking lot
Frozen feet game: kid runs as fast as positive then parent yells frozen feet and kid has to stop immediately 

12 hitting, pinching
Sisters are not for pushing
Help kid make amends
Roar like a lion when you feel like hitting

13 sleep
Tell story of the day during bedtime
Tell kid u will go to bathroom and load dishwasher then come back to check on him
Pretend like stuffed animal is pulling off covers and not calming down for bed and ask kid to help calm down the animal and help it go to bed
Picnic breakfast if kid wakes up early then fetches small bowl of milk preset in low shelf in fridge and cereal and eats alone then plays legos until 7 on clock
Monster spray to protect
Child record player before bed
3 get out of bed cards they can use once and decorate themselves
Prepare book and recording they can listen to if wake up and alone

14 when parents get angry
Accept own angry feelings
Reconnect and repair with kids of mess up
Yell or roar
Express feelings strongly using word I
That was no fun, and I was really mad about x

15 troubleshooting 
When in doubt, go back to acknowledging feelings
Let me give u a special kiss
Make sure tone of voice matches the kid’s emotion
Out child’s thoughts into words
Use grunts instead of words
Tell the story of what happened
Give child time to repair and for u to have a break
Take action and stick to your values
Check on the basics/needs

References
Your guide to a happier family
How to talk so kids can learn