![]() asfasdf Notes on How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 by Joanna Faber and Julie King Part 1 essential toolbox
1 tools for handling emotions If you aren’t sure what’s right, try it out on yourself Acknowledge feelings with words Think about the emotion he’s feeling Name the emotion in a sentence First need to acknowledge before can discipline Accept sad feelings Sit on those buts; don’t say but after acknowledging feelings Replace but with “the problem is” Acknowledge feelings with writing. Wish list “Even though you know we can’t X, you really want” Write down word cookie on circular paper when kid wants cookie Acknowledge feelings with art Let’s draw on the board how you feel. Is this how you feel? You’re not ready to get up for school. I’m going to go downstairs and get you paper and crayons so you can draw how you don’t want to do x. Performance art. Show me how mad you are with crayons. Match the emotion. Be dramatic Give in fantasy what you cannot give in reality Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child You seem sad “Something happened” Acknowledge feelings with almost silent attention Ugh Hmm Uh oh Nothing more 2 tools for engaging cooperation Kids resist doing what told to do Be playful Make inanimate objects talk. Empty shoes: I feel cold and empty. Won’t someone put a nice warm foot in me? Empty toy boxes: feed me blocks. I like the green crunchy ones. Toothbrushes can talk: I see a germ behind that molar Turn boring task into a game or challenge How many seconds do you think it’ll take to toss all your dirty clothes into the basket? We have to get to car from door. Let’s try hopping. Do you think you can get your PJs on with your eyes closed? Talk like a duck or famous hero instead of Normal voice Leave house avoiding lava or quicksand or alligators Freeze like statues Give energy pill (raisin) to get energy to clean up Offer different character voices to help kid dress Pretend to be animal as you go from car parking to school The very hungry nail clipper Offer a choice Do you want your bath with bubbles or boats Do you want to take a toy or snack along for the ride Do you want to do your homework on top of the table or under the table Do you want to jump 5 or 10 more times before putting on PJs? Don’t turn a choice into a threat. Both options should be pleasant Put the child in charge Define job that needs to be done and let kid do details Make temperature chart if kid argues with wearing jacket. Let kid check thermometer and tell everyone what to wear. Let kid be in charge of timer Give information Let child figure out for self what to do Keyboards are delicate. All they need is a light tough Glue sticks dry out if left open Law is that we must be buckled The mail belongs to the desk Say it with a word or gesture Don’t lecture Just one word of what needs to be done Child tells self what to do One word should be a noun not a verb Tooth brushing gesture Describe what you see I see a jacket on the floor I see a kid with shirt but no pants Appreciate progress before pointing out what’s left Describe how you feel I’m frustrated with x I’ll get frustrated if I don’t finish x before helping u Use word and avoid word you When I see one child doing x I get upset I get scared when I see I don’t like being yelled at Write a note Even if don’t know how to read Invitation to bathe Kid Checks off time slot to bathe and what features Take action without insult I see you have a lot of energy. I’m going to find you something better to play with. 3 tools for resolving conflict Punishment bad Express your feelings strongly Hey, I don’t like seeing you push! Show your child how to make amends Offer a choice Take action without insult We are heading home. I’m too worried about X Take action to protect but not to punish Try problem solving when mood is calm First acknowedge child feelings Describe problem and your feelings Ask for ideas and write down all Put preposterous ideas on list Decide which ideas you both like and which you neither like Try out your solutions Bring list to park and check plan with kid Show respect for the conflict Remove the disputed object temporarily while kids solve problem Trouble with rewards Punishment in disguise Better to figure out right solution As soon as you’ve finished cleaning up, we can do x Let’s think of a good snack to have on the ride home. That way we have something nice to look forward to even when we have to leave our friends. As soon as we have our teeth brushed, we can have bedtime stories Trouble with time outs She’s crying. How can we help her feel better? I don’t like seeing people pushed even when you’re angry Maybe you need a special word to say when u need help Ok to take a break with time out We need a time out to take a break. You go here and I’ll go here Time in: spend time together to recuperate Oh no she’s sad. We need a idea to help her. Can you think of anything? 4 tools for praise and appreciation It’s not always appropriate to praise. Give kid space. Let them just enjoy task. Describe what you see instead of just “good job” I see green lines on a page I see you put away all the blocks and I see bare floor You did it This makes me think of x Ask questions Tell me about what you made How did you get this idea I wonder what you’re going to make next Describe the effect on others The baby loves it when you make those sounds You carried those bags to the kitchen. What a big help Describe effort You kept working on that puzzle until you figured it out Describe progress even if not going well Look at this letter B that looks beautiful right on the line Notice 3 positive things before saying negative Focus on what needs to be done rather than what’s wrong Sometimes acknowledging feelings is more helpful than praise It’s frustrating to see x when you want to do x Wouldn’t it be nice if you could just do z and then y Give a child a new picture of himself Respond about memory of what they did as young kid Give opportunities to kid to show u progress Don’t praise by comparison Describe actions, feelings, effects on others 5 tools for kids who are differently wired Join them in their world. Play their game. Take time to imagine what child is experiencing Put into words what kids want to say Adjust expectations. Manage the environment not the child Can’t expect child to always have skills he learned before. Depends on time and tiredness Use alternatives to spoken word Write a note Use a gesture Use a picture Use a checklist like for wardrobe Use a song Tell them what they can do instead of what they can’t Be playful Food magician Chapter 5.25 the basics Hunger and lack of sleep need to be dealt with first before communication tools Need for recovery time Need not to be overwhelmed Match expectations to child state of development Keep plans simple and humble with young kids Part 2 tools in action 1 food fights Serve empty plate and let kid choose own food Don’t use dessert as bargaining chip Can serve only at snack time and only in limit Don’t use dessert as reward for eating normal food Get kids involved with shopping for food and preparing it If kid doesn’t want to eat the prepared food, they can eat some standard backup food like sandwich and carrot Keep sweets and juices out 2 morning madness Make clothing talk and be alive Offer silly choices for how to get into clothes or car Put 6 steps of morning routine on cardboard and kid makes smiley across Last step is free play or touch the couch which can do once all prior steps done Touch the couch game: parent can block with body but not with hands and kid needs to try to touch the couch 3 sibling rivalry Accept feelings Give wishes in fantasy. Let older child pretend to be a baby. Come sit on my lap and be a super baby Describe what you see Put the child in charge so he can see self differently Make specific special time to be one on one with older kid Describe problem from both points of view Tell older child stories about his baby days Take action without insult. don’t put child in role of aggressor We need to separate. I don’t want to see anyone hurt Try problem solving. Resist urge to take sides or minimize the problem. A wants x and B wants y. This is a tough problem. We need ideas. What can we do about it? 4 shopping with children Small allowance Allow kid one choice in store Give kids job. Make shopping list. Look for certain things in store. Add to wishlist when kid wants something Put the child in charge Offer a choice Acknowledge feelings with a wishlist We’re going shopping for x’s birthday. Let’s bring a piece of paper to write down if you see something you want for yourself 5 lies Normal for small kids to lie Lies represent wishes No need to ask if you already know what kid did State the obvious Accept the feeling behind the protest Help kid make amends 6 parents have feelings too I’m too upset to talk about this right now. Let’s talk about it later. Then do a roar Express your feelings strongly I don’t like being told x Give self and child time to recover 7 taddling Resolve conflicts without punishing. Accept feelings Tell aggressor that it hurt the other person but not punishing one or dismissing other Help child make amends without punishing Try problem solving 8 cleanup Adjust expectations Use play and make bags and boxes talk as they eat the toys Make it a race with stopwatch Get them counting Write a note. Please hang me on a hook, love, your coat Include a picture Describe what you see with appreciation Point out progress instead of showing incompleteness Limit self to one word for lecture It’s ok if you have to do it yourself sometimes 9 doctors orders Govt in fantasy. I wish they could put the medicine in lollipops Offer choice. Who will clap for you when done Give something to look forward to. Stop somewhere fun to get treat after Ugh you really don’t like the taste of this medicine. How can we get this medicine in your body in the easiest way possible? We need ideas Acknowledge feelings Be playful 10 shy kids Prepare ahead of time X will join you when he’s ready Acknowledge feelings Adjust expectations Give child something to do instead of forcing them to be social Offer a choice Be playful. Sock puppet 11 little runaways: kids who take off Manage the environment instead of the child Stay in playgrounds that are fenced Offer a choice: do you want to hold this or that Have problem solving discussion ahead of time Secret signal Be careful of imaginary animals in parking lot Frozen feet game: kid runs as fast as positive then parent yells frozen feet and kid has to stop immediately 12 hitting, pinching Sisters are not for pushing Help kid make amends Roar like a lion when you feel like hitting 13 sleep Tell story of the day during bedtime Tell kid u will go to bathroom and load dishwasher then come back to check on him Pretend like stuffed animal is pulling off covers and not calming down for bed and ask kid to help calm down the animal and help it go to bed Picnic breakfast if kid wakes up early then fetches small bowl of milk preset in low shelf in fridge and cereal and eats alone then plays legos until 7 on clock Monster spray to protect Child record player before bed 3 get out of bed cards they can use once and decorate themselves Prepare book and recording they can listen to if wake up and alone 14 when parents get angry Accept own angry feelings Reconnect and repair with kids of mess up Yell or roar Express feelings strongly using word I That was no fun, and I was really mad about x 15 troubleshooting When in doubt, go back to acknowledging feelings Let me give u a special kiss Make sure tone of voice matches the kid’s emotion Out child’s thoughts into words Use grunts instead of words Tell the story of what happened Give child time to repair and for u to have a break Take action and stick to your values Check on the basics/needs References Your guide to a happier family How to talk so kids can learn
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