Notes on Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

I often find myself worrying more about others than myself and getting into too much "caretaking." I try to control situations so that those around me are always "happy," which leads to lots of problems for me and too much tension and worrying overall. A podcast I was listening to recently interviewed Melody Beattie, the author of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, so I decided to read her book because I thought I could learn something relevant to myself.

I didn't actually find the book very helpful, and I didn't like all the religious aspects of it. I also didn't realize the book was so focused on alcoholism and the spouses of alcoholics (which luckily isn't relevant to me); I thought it was about general caretaking behavior. Those general aspects were discussed, and there were some good points and some advice that I can adopt, which I've included in my notes below.


Is someone else's problem your problem?
 
Preface
 
Intro
Spouses of alcoholics who rescue them
 
Part 1 what is it and who has it
 
1 Jessica
 
2 other stories
 
3 codependency 
Being Partner to dependency 
Enmeshed
Being in relationship with troubled needy or dependent person
Someone who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her and is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior
Recovery only in ourselves
 
4 codependent characteristics 
Caretaking, anticipating others needs, fixing others problems, pleasing others
Low self worth, blame selves, feel different than others, expect perfection
Repression, no own desires
Obsession, worrying, focus on others
Controlling, think they know best
Denial, assume tmrw will be better
Dependency, assume others don't love them, feel trapped 
Poor communication, ask indirectly, manipulate
Weak boundaries, complain
Lack of trust, don't trust selves or others
Anger, afraid of it
Sex problems, hard to ask for what want
 
Part 2 basics of self care
 
5 detachment 
Not withdrawal or removal of love
Releasing from person or problem
Each person responsible for self and worrying doesn't help
Keep hands off other people's problems
Let people live own lives and live my own
Present moment living. Let life happen instead of controlling
Accept reality
Make most of each day
Healthy neutrality
Care without being involved
Honesty
Openness
Willingness to try
Need to detach most when seems like the most difficult thing to do
 
6 don't react about every minute
Overreacting to others feelings or potential ones
Don't reject self or give others that power
Don't take things personally
Things have less to do with us than we think
Don't have to react
Recognize when ur reacting
“Made me feel” is wrong
Not responsible for others
Make life easier for u
Figure out what need to take care of yourself
 
7 set yourself free
Often force things to happen
Figure out ways we think we can control others to do what we want them to do but not sustainable
Instead it ends up controlling us
Cannot control or change people
 
8 remove the victim
We are the rescuers and caretakers
Say yes when mean no
Rescuer, persecutor, victim cycle
At heart of rescuing us low self worth
Shouldn't do things for others if don't enjoy it
 
9 un-dependence 
Face the aloneness every human must face
Not dependent on other people
Approval and happiness doesn't come from others
Depend on self
 
10 live your own life
 
11 have love affair with self
We are exactly as meant to be
Stop picking on self
 
12 learn art of acceptance
Feel your own feelings
 
14 anger
Ok to feel it when u need to
Write letter that u never send
 
15 yes you can think
Feed mind positive things 
Improve mind daily
 
16 set own goals
Omit shoulds
 
17 communication
Say what mean and mean what say
This Is what I need from you / want from you
I love u but I love me too
Ignore others nonsense
I don't want to discuss this
This is as far as I go
Sounds like you're having a problem and let go
Take self seriously
 
18 work a 12 step program
Admit powerless and controlled 
Believe power greater than selves can restore us. Spiritual not religion. 
Make religion to turn care of life over. Purpose and plan. 
Make searching and fearless moral inventory of selves
Admit nature of wrongs to others
Ready for outdated behavior to go away
Ask humbly to remove
Make list of all harmed including self and make amends
Make direct amends
Continue to take personal inventory
Sought through prayer meditation for help
Carry message to others
 
19 pieces and bits
Limits and boundaries
 
20 learning to live and love again

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