I just finished reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and it blew my mind. It is exactly the type of non-fiction/psychology/parenting/self-help book I like: filled to the brim with concrete examples and exact scripts that you can learn from and model. I always wonder how to say things in a better way, and this book provides so many excellent examples which are applicable to all sorts of relationships, not just parent-child. Even though my son is still pre-verbal, I found tremendous value in this book (so much so that I listened at 2x instead of my usual 3x). It took me forever to finish the audio book because I was taking so many notes on the wording suggestions in the book. A lot of the examples of sub-optimal phrasing and parenting rang true for me as I have heard them uttered by many parents around me (and even my own). I've even said the same types of things to my wife, my parents, and some of my friends. This book has made me take a much closer look at the way I communicate with others in order to be more respectful and allow others to have their own experience without jumping to trying to fix their problems. On the contrary, this book was filled with phrases that made me think, "Whoa, that's exactly how some of my most mature/thoughtful/respectful friends/fellow parents speak." And the stories of how much better kids respond to that sort of language make me even more interested in embracing this approach. I really will need to come back to this book in a couple years, and I'm looking forward to checking out the other books in this series. It was super, super helpful. 1 helping children deal with their feelings I was a wonderful parent before I had children Important to accept your children's feelings even if you don't like them or believe it Bad to tell kids not to trust their own perceptions by negating their experience and feelings put self in children's shoes People can have own feelings and need to accept even if don't like Don't deny their feelings Bad responses: denial of feelings, philosophizing, advice, too many questions, defense of other person, pity, amateur psychoanalysis Good response: empathy and acknowledgment When kids come with troubled feelings Listen with full attention Acknowledge with just one word: oh, hmm, I see Give the feeling a name Grant child his wishes in fantasy instead of logic. I wish I could make the booboo stop hurting right now. Don't be afraid of using words that are too big. They learn them in context. Ok to just repeat back what they say in confirmatory tone as if making sure u heard right Need more care and skill with negative feelings Imagine child hurt feelings like physical wounds that need immediate care Asking why of child about his feelings isn't good. Just state observations like I see something is making u sad. Don't need to agree with kids feelings just acknowledge Ok to pause and listen silently to promote more details from kid Saying “I understand how u feel” is not enough since won't believe u Being specific more believable If identify feeling wrong then no problem and child will quickly set u right Responding to mean comments like I hate you or you're mean I didn't like what I just heard If you're angry about something tell it to me in another way then maybe I can be helpful When kids extremely upset sometimes a physical activity can relieve some of the feelings Punch pillow Hammer and eat play Pound grocery carton Roar like lion Throw darts Drawing their feelings. Show me how angry you are. Draw me a picture of how you feel. Wow you really are angry. Show me more. Boy that angry Don't worry about being too permissive Just all feelings are permitted, not behavior When we give too much advice, we deprive of experience of wrestling with own problems When parent says something wrong can always say “I was thinking more about what you said to me about X and I realize how upsetting it must have been” Compassion always appreciated Don't repeat exact words back to them Some kids prefer no talk at all. Just sit and hug. Not ok to have response which is just correct but cool. Better to convey tone that shows ur there with him Don't respond with more intensity than the kid feels Don't repeat the names the kids are called or call themselves Just listen and stay out of way sometimes so they fix own problems Ok to let children know that it's ok to have 2 feelings at the same time (one positive and one negative) Don't need pressure of trying to keep kids constantly happy The more u try to stop their bad feelings the more stuck they stay The more accepting u r of them the easier they let go Permit expression of a lot of unhappiness “Those are rough feelings to have” Remember memories of good things he's done Grant children in fantasy You wish you had … Be far out fantastic in fantasy Write down on paper the wishlist of what kid wants from toy story when there and not buying Shows u care enough to put in writing and know what wants 2 engaging cooperation Explaining and reassuring don't work Need to actually listen to not give parrot response Even if right response from parent doesn't work, it still helps Parents dealing with own negative feelings Battle of wills Ways parents address kids Blaming and accusing Name calling Threats Commands Lecturing and moralizing Warnings Martyrdom statements/guilt Comparisons to other kids Sarcasm Prophecy Better approaches to create climate of respect where cooperation can grow Describe what you see or the problem Give information Say it with a word Talk about your feelings Write a note Describe Instead of you statements talk about the problem and what you see as symptoms Allows kids to see for themselves what they need to do I see the dog pacing in front of the door Give information About consequences of bad behavior or mistakes Information easier to take than accusation Allows kid to figure out for himself what needs to be done Milk spoils when it's not put away Apple cores belong in the trash The wall is not for writing on. Paper is for writing on. It would really be helpful if the table were set for dinner now Say it with a word Instead of a paragraph tirade at kid, use just one word: pajamas! Kids dislike sermons. The shorter the better. Jamie, your lunch. Billy, the dog. Talk about your feelings Make no comment about child's character or personality I don't like having my sleeve pulled It bothers me when the screen door is left open I object to being told I have to do anything. What id like to hear is, “dad, I'm ready to go. Can u take me now?” Write a note Left on kid sink mirror: help, hair in my drain keeps me plugged up Left on tv: before u turn me on, think: have I done my homework? Left on parents bedroom door with 2 sides: shhh mommy and daddy are sleeping / hi, come on in Can raise intensity of voice if not getting through and combine skills back to back Write note: wet towels on my bed make me see red or please put me back on towel rack so I can dry I don't like being ignored. I'm putting away your wet towel and now you have a resentful father. Written assignment 1 unhelpful thing I did not say this week and autistic 2 new skills I put to use this week, situation, reaction of child and you A note I wrote Attitude You are a lovable capable person. Right now there's a problem that needs attention. Once you are aware of it, you will probably respond responsibly. Don't say please to child when really upset It's more for normal moments for social modeling Speak forcefully rather than pleading Loud and firm: sofas are not for jumping on Offer choice about when kid does the thing you want Do you want to take your bath before your tv show or right after Offer choice about how it's done Do you want to take your bath with your doll or your boat Are you always asking child to do things or are you spending enough time just to be alone together with him Physical changes in house to encourage cooperation Install low hooks to avoid hangers additional shelves to make cleanup easier If made these mistakes in the past and want to change, then need a long period of giving lots of approval to kid Humor good way to get kid to do things Ask kid to do things in accent or funny voice. This is rc3c: the next kid to take ice will be orbited into outer space. Please take affirmative action Avoiding repeating or nagging Instead of repeating ask if heard you. Could you please tell me what I just said? Now that I know you know, I won't bother telling you again. Getting kids to follow through It's been two weeks since the lawn was mowed. I'd like it done today. I'd feel better if I knew just when you plan to get to it. Good. Now I know I can count on the lawn being done one hour from now. Thanks steve Describe Focus descriptive language on the problem and what needs to be done The milk spilled, we need a sponge The jar broke, we need a broom No you words. No blaming or finger pointing. Statements work best when child feels his help is genuinely needed Give information Must leave off insulting language at end Giving lifelong gift of important facts and knowledge to child Refrain from giving info he already knows Name calling can hurt feelings Slacks are for outdoors, uniforms are for meetings Two wheels can ride on the street. Three wheels belong on the sidewalk. One word statement Relief from lecture Allows child to exercise own initiative Don't use child name as the one word or else will associate with disapproval Talk about your feelings Children aren't fragile and can deal with your feelings. Not necessary to be fragile. This is not a good time for me to look at your homework. I'm tense and distracted. After dinner I can give it the attention it deserves. It's a good idea to stay away from me for a little while. I'm irritable and it has nothing to do with you. I have as much patience right now as a watermelon / as a grapefruit / as a pea, I think we ought to quit before it shrivels If you get the response so who cares, say I do, I care how I feel and I care how you feel, and I expect this to be a family where we all care about each other's feelings For some kids who have trouble dealing with parent strong emotional statements like I'm angry you pulled the cats tail, just state your expectations like I expect you to be kind to animals Write a note Even if don't know how to read Notes from dog, from kitchen, notice of storytime for kids who brushed teeth and in pj at 7:30, kitchen closed until dinner Light touch Can use when very angry and may do something worse or punish Can include humor Speak to what is best in your kids: intelligence, initiative, responsibility, humor, sensitivity to needs of others Nourish self esteem instead of wound spirit 3 alternatives to punishment Punishment leads to bad feelings and often worse behavior Child should experience consequences of misbehavior but not punishment Punishment is distraction and makes kid spend more time thinking about revenge than how to amend own behavior Examples of alternatives Do dress rehearsal at home and explain right behavior Write book together about the situation Kid writes list of groceries he is in charge of finding and putting in cart Library card system to check out tools and return before borrowing another Get own set of starter tools for kid for birthday Son starts saving for his own set Focus on prevention Alternatives to punishment Point out a way to be helpful Express strong disapproval without attacking character State your expectations Show the child how to make amends Offer a choice Take action Allow child to experience consequences of misbehavior It would be really helpful if you picked out three big lemons for us I don't like what I see going on. It's disturbing to shoppers to see kids running around. Billy, no running. Here are your choices: you can walk or you can sit in the cart. Remove or restrain Next day just don't invite to join for shopping and let kid guess why not. There will be other chances but today I'm going by myself. I'm furious that my new X was left outside in the rain I expect that when my tools are borrowed they are returned promptly and in good condition What this saw needs is some grease and a light coat of oil to protect it for the future You can borrow my tools and return them or you can give up the privilege of using them. you decide. Lock toolbox. For the time being I need to know my tools are exactly where I left them. I see you made an effort but I'm still upset. I expect that when you say you will be home by 5:30 that I can count on it. We've eaten already so there's no more chicken left. But you're welcome to make yourself a sandwich if you'd like. To solve complex behavior problem Talk about child's feelings and needs Talk about your feelings and needs Brainstorm mutually acceptable solutions Write down all ideas without evaluating Decide which you like or don't or plan to follow through on I know it probably doesn't feel easy to leave when you're with your friends and having fun Otoh I worry when you're late Let's put our heads together and see if we can come up with some ideas that would be good for both of us Let's write down our ideas and not worry about which we like until later Let's look at our list and see which we want to cross out and which we want to keep Stop thinking of child as problem that needs correction or that adult has right answer Knives are not for licking This china dog can break but your stuffed dog can't break Repeat the info as necessary Punishment is unrelated deliberate deprivation of child's enjoyment Natural consequences are just direct result of stopping or not allowing the bad behavior or privilege Get a note in writing from kid that will return shirt back in good condition to allow another chance More effective to express anger than locate culprit and punish I'm not interested in who did it or blaming for the past. I am interested in improving for the future Now I'd like both of you to clear the sofa of all peels Don't just express disapproval. Also point child towards way to make amends. I'm furious to see X. I'd like Y fixed tonight. I'm angry that you X. Now I expect you to Y. I'm sorry is not enough for repeat offender Sorry means behaving differently. Making changes. I'm glad to hear you're sorry. That's the first step. The second step is thinking about what you're going to do about it. Problem solving tips Get your attitude right and calm down and think of being respectful Check out your child's mood Is this a good time for you to talk Talk about child feelings I imagine you're feeling Here's how I'm feeling Let child come up with first few ideas If child doesn't want to problem solve then ask them for solutions in a note Ask siblings to problem solve together I see one child who wants X. I see another child who wants y. I believe you both can come up with a solution that meets both of your needs. I'll be in the kitchen when you're ready. 4 encouraging autonomy Allow them to do things themselves and solve own problems and learn from own mistakes Otherwise feel helpless and hostile if feel too dependent and constantly hear advice Skills Let children make choices Show respect for a child's struggle Don't ask too many questions Don't rush to answer questions Encourage children to use sources outside the home Don't take away hope Let children make choices Do you want red pants or blue Do you want half a glass of juice or full We're leaving in 5 min. Do you want to go on the slide one more time or on the swing What would work best for you: doing your practice before dinner or after Gives child practice making decisions Show respect for a child's struggle A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps to do X. Tying shoelaces is hard and takes a lot of fancy finger work Adding fractions can be hard. It's not easy to find the common denominator. Don't ask too many questions Instead of a million questions about day, just say hi, I'm glad to see you Welcome home Don't rush to answer questions That's an interesting question. What do you think You wonder about that. Why does X Let child explore the answer for self first Encourage children to use sources outside the home Hmm I wonder if the pet shop owner has any suggestions Let's check with the dentist and see what he thinks about chewing gum I'm still making inquiries. I'd also like you to ask around school for any recommendations How would you like asking the teacher for a name of a senior who would tutor you just until you got caught up Child not dependent on us. Can use entire world for support. Don't take away hope So, you're going to try out for the lead. That should be an experience. You think you might like to work as a sitter. Tell me about it. So, you're considering a career in engineering Allow child to have his own experience and hope instead of preparing for disappointment. When protect kids from disappointment, we block them from striving and dreaming and hoping In every situation: Must I take over or can I put the children in charge Is there anything ur doing for ur child he can do for himself Offer kids choice Do you want to stop drumming on table here or go drum in your room It's mommy and daddy's time to talk now. Do you want to go to sleep now or play in your bed and call us when ur ready to be tucked in I know how you don't like to take your medicine. Do you want to take it with apple juice or ginger ale Can also offer child to come up with own choice acceptable to all Show respect for struggle Don't tell child something is easy to encourage him since if fails it's bad and if succeeds it's not special Don't take over and help. Just give useful info. Sometimes it helps if you do X before … Don't ask too many questions Don't ask if had fun today Don't rush to answer questions Act as sounding board for their brainstorming Have questions turned back to them Credit the questioner You wonder about that Repeat question verbatim back You're asking an important question, one philosophers have asked for centuries Use resources outside home Librarian School nurse Dentist Don't take away hope Tell me about that More ways to encourage autonomy Let him own his own body Refrain from constantly brushing away hair or dust off lint or straightening shoulders, tucking in clothes Stay out of minutiae of child's life How they sit or do homework or what they wear when doesn't matter Quit bugging them when it's there business Don't talk about a child in front of him no matter how young Not objects or possessions Let a child answer for himself Jonny can tell you. He's the one who knows. Show respect for your child's eventual readiness When child wants to do something new but has trouble Express confidence in their eventual ability I'm not concerned. When you're ready you'll get in the water. When you decide to you'll stop sucking your thumb One of these days you'll use the bathroom just like mommy and daddy Watch out for too many no’s Give information and leave out the no. We're having dinner in 5 min Accept feelings. I can see if it were up to you you'd stay for a long long time (and take by the hand to leave). It's hard to leave a place you enjoy so much. Describe the problem. I'd like to help you out; the problem is that the electrician is coming in the next half hour Substitute yes whenever possible. Yes certainly right after lunch. Give yourself a chance to think. Let me think about it More about advice Don't give immediate advice When figures out for self then grows in confidence and ability Don't ignore completely either Help her sort out tangled thoughts and feelings. From what you've been telling me It sounds to me like you have two conflicting feelings: on one hand you feel X and on the other y because... Restate the problem as a question: so the question seems to be, how do you find a way to do X while dealing with some of the Y. Keep quiet after asking a question like this. Point out resources the child can use outside the home. I bet there are websites that have suggestions for X To introduce your own advice, wait until she has done her own research and thinking and propose in way that shows respect. How would you feel about X solution. Would you consider Y After child has had time for own thoughts, can share own feelings. It would bother me to think that X Let him make his own breakfast Let him work bathtub faucet to temperature he likes Give plastic knife to cut own meat Come up with chart for what clothes go with which degree of temperature outside and hang thermometer on tree Non school days can wear anything and school days can pick from 2 outfits parent chooses Show paper towels for cleaning and let child clean up own mess Ask kids to decide how to deal with cleaning at table and manners. 2 manners nights and rest are free. Write note asking for written plan by deadline from kid on how will do everything he needs to Together with child come up with written plan to improve grades in each subject 5 praise Stop belittling kids at home Give them choices When they mess up, remind with a word and encouragement Some praise can make you doubt the praiser Helpful praise Adult describes with appreciation what he feels or sees Child after hearing the description is able to praise himself Adult just describes what sees without evaluating Descriptive praise I see you drew circle circle circle and dot dot dot. How did you ever think to do that? I see a lot of work has been going on here. The blocks are back on the shelf. The marbles are all picked up. It's a pleasure to walk into this room. Instead of this scarf you made me is beautiful, describe look at this rich red color and these rows of X. This scarf will really keep me warm on a cold day. I'm very moved by your poem about the eagle. I especially love the line “X” You figured out that the X are more expensive. I'm impressed. That was a complicated phone message you took. It was written so clearly and I knew exactly what to do. Summing up behavior in a word Now that's what I call perseverance That's what's known as taking initiative Make sure praise appropriate to child's age and level of ability Avoid the kind of praise that hints at past weaknesses or failures Be aware that excessive enthusiasm can interfere with child's ability to praise himself If u don't want behavior repeated don't praise Can always use descriptive phrase and feelings even for something that is expected behavior I especially enjoyed our trip today Child will understand why I'm so proud of u Shifts pride to parent Better to say what an achievement. U must be so proud of yourself. I knew all along u could do it gives credit to omniscience not to achiever That award represents months of practice and determination When child upset over failures Don't minimize his distress. It can be frustrating to work on something so long and not have it work out. Accept his mistakes and view as part of the learning process. From this you learned that even X can do y when z. Parents should accept own mistakes and not beat themselves up for them. Instead be solution oriented. I wish I hadn't forgotten that key. It's the second time. What can I do to make sure it doesn't happen again? Don't take good behavior for granted. Praise appropriately. Look for it actively. Point out what did right and not always what did wrong. They'll want to improve on own. Stop saying if ur good I'll… better: it'd be helpful to me if When not doing well, praise something small they are doing well each time Can also praise record of past successes 6 freeing children from playing roles Labeling a child is to be avoided because self fulfilling prophecy Stop calling same name/nickname of child to tease (like calling boss) Child easily gets message of how parents think of him, even if not explicitly To liberate child from role Look for opportunities to show child new ways of seeing self Put children in situations where can see selves differently Let children overhear u say something positive about them Model the behavior u would like to see Be a storehouse for ur child's special moments When ur child behaves according to old label, state your feelings and expectations Look for opportunities to show child new ways of seeing self Mention things he does that go against the old label Uve had that toy since u were 3 and it looks almost new I like the way you told me that. U made ur point and there was no blame. I was just about to call X when u figured out y. How'd u ever think of that? With everything else on ur mind u remembered to check X. That's responsibility. Put children in situations where can see selves differently I'm not going to be home this afternoon so I'm putting u in charge of X and y We need X. Do u think it's safer to carry the money in ur pocket or wallet? Would u take the screwdriver and tighten X Please divide these X so that each person gets a fair share Let children overhear u say something positive about them Mom u should've seen ur grandson take his shot today. He just held out his arm and kept talking to the doctor. And those shots can hurt too When we were doing X and z went wrong, while I was thinking of what to do, Gary did N and fixed M. That's what I call being cool in a crisis. Model the behavior u would like to see It's much more fun to win. But I'll be a good sport about it and let u win. Congratulations. I dread cleaning up this whole garage at once. Instead I'll tackle just this first section. Be a storehouse for ur child's special moments Well she doesn't know you the way I do. Boy I remember the time when u were X and u did y. And when you were n you were the first child on the block to do z. When ur child behaves according to old label, state your feelings and expectations The cookies are for the whole family. I expect you to control yourself. That way of talking upsets me. Can u ask me another way? It bothers me to see X. I expect them to be put back when they're not in use. I don't like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect you to be a good sport despite losing. Use old skills too Write note saying u trust kid to find a way to remember instrument Problem solve. I know X is tough. But hitting is out. How else could u y 7 putting it all together Good example Afterword Lisa I don't like being accused. If there's something u want u need to tell me in another way Don't use choice as a threat. Make sure both options acceptable to u. Don't bring up consequences during problem solving Need atmosphere of trust Alternatives of but Just give child's feeling full value without but statement. Can also grant wish in fantasy. Replace but with the problem is Replace but with and even though you know and then reacknowledge feeling Avoid sentences beginning with why did you/why didn't you Accusatory Instead turn the problem over to child and offer support. This was addressed to your dad and me but you're the one responsible for it. If you need any help starting or finishing your report or want to bounce ideas off us, we're here Time out Just another punishment Holly no hitting. You can tell your sister with words how mad it makes you feel when your sister pulls on your arm when you're trying to draw Private time with caring adult to deal with hurt feelings instead of solitary confinement. It's not easy to have a little sister who's always pulling on your arm to get your attention. Today she made you so mad that you hit her. I can't allow either of my children to hit the other. We need to make a list of things you can do instead if she bothers you when you're drawing. Yell stop in her face very loud. Push hand away gently. Give her her own paper and crayon. Give her something else to play with. Draw when sister napping. Draw with door closed. If nothing else works can call mom for help. Post list of solutions wherever child wants and consult whenever likes. Spouses Talk about changes ur trying to make to include spouse but without pressure Read book together in car Ask spouse for advice on how to handle issue Power of playfulness When child refuses to get dressed put underwear on head and socks on hands and then have child correct u and do it himself Name the germs in the mouth having a party and say what they say and do we child brushes mouth Funny traditions to encourage order and cooperation around house. Put chores in blown up balloons. Children grab and break balloons, do jobs, and come back and break more balloons until all jobs done. Have kids pick cards and number tells kid how many things they need to put away. Race to clean up puzzle pieces before song ends. Poem on bathroom mirror to clean it. Pretend to call kid on phone to clean room. Children will adopt your language and way of speaking as their native tongue You're feeling cranky today aren't you Do you want to walk to bed or hop to bed I don't like it when you kick me You can either play with the animals and not press hard or play another game. Which do you choose Milk turns sour when it's not put away in the fridge In our house we don't blame. Just tell me what you want. No such thing as calm conflict free life with young children Relentless job with no going home at end of long days work With children u always get another chance to practice and do better communication Accepting feelings Stop when u try to reason against child feeling and just really accept it and sound it back Tone of voice when accepting feeling must match intensity of feeling of child. Words or tone of “calm down” is not allowed. Match strong feelings rather than minimize them. Do you think if we dry them over a heater they'll be dry by the time we get home? Sometimes a choice helps a child move on. What should we do for now? Do you want to wear your X or your y? When multiple kids fight just listen and echo back what each feels rather than trying to settle disputes Giving in fantasy You know what I want? I wish we had a granola bar as big as that table over there! Stop trying to reassure with reason I know! It's not your favorite place! You feel X! Here's your jacket. No need to fix all his worries Where does it hurt? This needs a kiss. Keep supply of band aids for invisible injuries Grant attention when child asks 2 raisin pills or 1 teaspoon grape juice medicine. Emotional first aid. Instead of questioning what's wrong, accept feeling from get go. You look sad. Something upset you. Seems like you had a rough day. Just sit with child and don't question Engaging cooperation Acknowledge the feeling. Limit the action. I see you're in a kicking mood. Dogs are not for kicking. Dogs like to be touched very gently. Would you like to kick a balloon or your foam ball? Be playful rather than stern Make an inanimate object talk The hungry bag who wants to eat toys that need to be cleaned up. The socks that want foot in them. Alternatives to punishment Focus on fixing and how to improve in future Can still take action to protect things Taking action Protecting property Throwing blocks can break windows. I'm putting the blocks away for now. I'm not lending any more tools. I'll feel better about sharing when the drill you borrowed is returned or replaced. I'm very upset the car was taken without permission. I'm holding on to the keys until we can come up with a system we are both comfortable with. Protecting others No hitting! I can see how angry you are with your brother. I'm taking you/him into the kitchen now so nobody gets hurt. Throwing sand can injure people's eyes. Let's go play on the grass for now. I'm holding on to your X until you can find a way to assure me it'll be used safely. Pointing it at X is too dangerous. Protecting yourself I'm too tired to read bedtime stories after 9. We can try again tomorrow as long as you're ready on time. We're going home now. I don't want to do anymore shopping now. I know u need X but right now I'm too upset at being spoken to so sarcastically, especially in front of the salesperson. Last time we went to X I had to y so you would z. I'm not going back until we have a plan for how you can z on time. Protecting child I'm putting the bike away for now. I see you're not in the mood to wear a helmet and I'm too worried about injuries. What can we find to play with that doesn't require head gear? I can't give you permission to go to an unsupervised party. I'm sure u know why. If you'd like you can invite some friends over to our house. Protecting your relationship with your child I need the house cleaned before friends come tonight. I'll take you to your friends as soon as this is cleaned up. Yes I could clean it up but I'd feel resentful cleaning up your stuff while ur playing and I don't want to feel that way about you. I'm very upset right now. I don't like the way you're talking to me and I don't like the way I'm talking to you. I'm going into my room now and closing the door. I need some time to cool down. Homework Be on child's side. Acknowledge his feelings Problem solve. Consider everything. Be your child's advocate. Communicate with teacher. Don't worry about what other kids doing. Encourage autonomy Substitute choice for command. Choice needs to be open ended. I can't let you cut carpet with scissors. Do you want to cut paper or cardboard? What else can you cut? You can't throw X in house. You can throw y or z in house or X outside. Invitation to talk Instead of questions: I'd love to hear about X when you're ready to tell me Praise Acknowledge what has been doing right when makes mistake Descriptive praise In times of need we support rather than attack each other Don't praise by comparison to sibling. Don't say You did X way better than sister. Better: you tied your shoes by yourself. I know who will be teaching little Joey when he's ready for his big boy shoes. You guys made quite a cleanup team. I bet your sister is going to be excited when she hears you can read to her You sounded so smooth and confident up there. Don't compare to classmates. Freeing children from roles Often parents put kids in roles because of need to explain them to other people Useful phrase: when he's ready Jon will try anything when he's ready Don't worry I'm sure Maria will talk to you when she's ready I know you'll try the pool when you're ready Competition Alter games when kids young to take out competitive factors. All young kids are sore losers and it's ok. Use stopwatch and take turns and try to just beat your own time from before First one to finish board game is first place winner but other players still get to finish game no matter how many turns it takes
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One of the methods for introducing babies to solid food is called "baby-led weaning," which just refers to babies controlling the process of eating by feeding themselves with their fingers rather than being spoon-fed purees. This method seemed logical to me, so to learn more, I read the official manual on it, Baby-Led Weaning: The Essential Guide to Introducing Solid Foods-and Helping Your Baby to Grow Up a Happy and Confident Eater by Gill Rapley and Tracey Murkett. It was a fast, practical, no-nonsense read, and I loved the many quotes from parents about their personal experience. It's interesting to me how trying to teach good food habits to a baby should make the adults around him improve their own nutrition (since babies tend to copy everything). My notes below skip over a lot of the detailed lists of foods and mini-recipes as well as some introductory stuff from the beginning of the book. Less gagging because gag reflex triggered near front of mouth then moves to back over time so earlier they learn to gag the better Spoon feeding sucks to back of mouth without gagging or chewing Ability to move food to back of throat for swallowing (or accidental choking) only develops after they know how to chew and move food around Rice cereal not nutritious Should eat whenever we eat Just sit on lap and let eat from our plates. Will encourage us to eat healthy. Sit vertically. Adjust high chair back and tray level or towel under butt so he sits higher or bring high chair under main table. Initially all food should fall out of mouth until 8-10 months when actually will swallow. Will spend more time chewing and mouthing then with spoon so will digest better Let explore and play with food when not hungry Give cup and spoon to play with at mealtime before ready Filling up on foods that are less nutritious bad for breastfeeding and nutrition Small things can't even be picked up until pincer grip developed at 9 months so won't choke on those because can't even pick up Sticks or fingers of food 2" long: half to hold and half to munch Broccoli ideal first food because has handle Handle part of food needs to be able to be gripped with closed hand Wash baby hands before feeding Offer stick shapes for playing Veggies shouldn't be too soft or will be like mush or too hard or else can't gnaw Hands off approach better. Don't put food in his mouth. Just offer on tray. Put baby food on plate that has been in fridge for half an hour so it cools down the hot fresh heated food faster Offer 3-4 different things to start with: carrot, broccoli, strip of meat. Refill 1-2 pieces at a time. Ignore whether eats of not Forget having clean plate or finishing all food in front of u Better to share our food than prepare special food Describe food and colors as eating Don't try to help him eat. He wants to get it himself. Frustration not a sign that hungry or needs help. It's because don't have all skills they want to have. Takes a lot of time initially. 40 min for a meal to learn and practice skills over and over again. Pacing self allows to learn when full too. Standing back and letting baby explore may be hardest part. Trust him and not interfere. Try not to pay too much attention or watch every bite. Quiet support enough. Baby shouldn't be only one eating. Always eats with at least one other person. Lunch easiest meal to start with. Treat with same respect as other meal companions. Don't tell how much to eat. Don't wipe face constantly or do any washing up while still eating. Aim to eat same food as baby. No need to praise or scold for eating or not to direct learning. Just share in his enjoyment. Will miss mouth completely first few days. Be relaxed when he drops food to ground. Doesn't matter. Mess will get less when discovers more about eating. Ok for him to sit on our lap and eat. Later can do high chair. Think of mealtimes as play times in beginning Offer a variety of foods throughout the week so can choose. Experiments show babies will choose varied and healthy diet naturally. Important to practice feeding before need much food so better to do BLW from beginning instead of spoon feeding first. First foods Plain steamed veggies or fruit If no family history of allergies then can offer any foods Eggs after 6 mo Animal milks ok In cereal Low or no salt Low or No sugar Wide variety of foods reduces allergies Babies need lots of healthy fat like nondairy animal fats like vegetable oils, oily fish, olive oil Full fat cheese and yogurt don't stick with just one taste at a time. Offer variety and let baby choose over the course of a week. Will end up avoiding foods he is allergic to. No mesh feeders Can give cows milk but use it as food and part of cooking not as a drink Always include variety of food including meat and meat products so baby can choose what he needs for iron and vitamins Offer meat in different forms including ground. Chicken drumstick. Slices of meat stewed. Lentils. Offer foods with vitamin c to help absorb iron 5 after the early days Can't teach anything. Need to sit back and watch him learn. No need for bland or single taste foods. Babies used to strong flavors and variety of flavors from mothers milk which changes flavor based on moms food. Crunchy textures are naturally fun and missed out on with purées Use dippers like toast or rice cake to eat runny food like yogurt Normal to not eat anything for 3 days and then eat a lot for 3 days Baby finds way to communicate that ate enough. Throws food on floor. Turns head. Hand food to parents. Might eat one thing only for a few days then more variety later. It is the baby regulating what its body needs and will pass. Relax about any food fads Silverware Start with fork because easier than spoon Learning how to use a dipper like a breadstick or carrot with soft foods like hummus or yogurt helps baby learn to use spoon later can hand baby loaded spoon to show works Food will fall off silverware many times before mastered Try not to help him too much Set a place for baby with spoon and fork so he can use when he joins u at the table later and can play with for now Will play with wanting to feed the adults or for u to feed him but just a game Cups Better to practice with real cups at home even if messiest Slanted cups: don't need to be tipped as much and show baby what's inside Full cup easier to start with than half full since doesn't need to be tipped as far Allow baby to practice pouring games in bathtub or sink to learn how cup works Table manners Babies not allowed to play or experiment with food behave worse at table when older Inclusion in family mealtimes teaches them how to behave We are the role models so be reliable No need to praise for behaving well or scold for bad behavior. Babies have natural desire to copy others and do what is expected of them. Simply trust to behave well. Eating out Just share same food Ask for child or appetizer sized portion of adult dish or extra plate to share yours Tapas and mediterranean appetizers good finger foods to share No need to only go to places with kids menu. Just normal healthy adult food. Take him for a walk around restaurant or outside to explore while waiting for food Order child meal as soon as u can so comes out as quickly as possible so has more time to eat Delay sitting child at table until meal close to arriving. Take for walk. Take small toys and coloring book and crayons Check food and plate not too hot. Ask waiter to set in middle of table so u can check before kid grabs food. Let child feed self and don't make overeat just because paying for it Take along own cup. Also teach to drink from straw. Take own set of utensils to use or play with Take own splash mat Self service Let kids serve selves from serving trays so they get only what they want to eat. U can help with the serving spoons. He will copy what u do so watch how u use salt or sauce Start with salads and cold dishes to practice Keep containers of healthy snacks and fruit bowl in kitchen so kids can help selves to them Teach him to sit down and eat his snack with u No unhealthy snacks in the house Cookie every once in a while fine. And making things forbidden will make more desirable. Can share dessert with u. Bribes rewards and punishments Linking food to behavior rather than appetite will distort his attitude to food and management of his behavior long term If give sweets then child will associate them with good behavior and expect them Will also think of sweets as better than other foods and want more No statements like if you eat your carrots we can go to playground because will think veggies are second rate foods and be suspicious of them Food and comfort Don't give sweet treats to cheer up Sweets can risk becoming just a bribe to stop crying which you don't want Cuddle and kiss better Can make kids more prone to seeking sweets when feel miserable Avoiding emotional battleground No battles if parent trusts child's appetite 18 month old doesn't need more food than 9 month old. Growing much slower now. Don't fill up on milk juice or non nutritious snacks between meals Need to tell grandparents all these things about food and trusting child appetite and not convincing to eat more or giving rewards Clean plate forget Care provider instructions Don't offer solid food when baby hungry for a milk feeding No need to put food in his hand or pieces in his mouth Just let him sit and explore on own Doesn't matter how much he eats Give plenty of time for him to play Baby should be in full control over what goes in his mouth If u try to persuade baby too early to like food and Rush BLW then can come to dislike it 7 a healthy diet for everyone Babies know when ur having same food as them so makes u think twice about ur food Offer something from each of main food groups every day Babies need more fat than adults and less fiber Baby sized portion is size of baby handful Introduce variety into week menu each week and try new flavors and substitutes for what used to Junk food and sugary food only a couple of times a week Can bake own healthier desserts too with less sugar and more fruit instead Don't ban any foods or use as reward for good behavior or else will make more desirable If U don't eat them everyday then ur child won't expect to either Good iron: beans, lentil, peas, dried fruits like apricots figs and prunes and green leafy vegetables Can drink diluted freshly squeezed juices for vitamin c Toddlers eat more carbs and babies more fat Maximizing Food you buy Eat fruit and veggies with peel on (if organic) Steam veggies rather than boil Cut fruit just before eating No high fiber foods like bran cereal for kid Babies do need soluble fiber: oats, lentils, brown rice, peas, fruit Avocados have lots of healthy fat Two servings of fish per week Spinach not as good source of iron Tea stops iron absorption so don't give to kids Nice dinner combo with all food and nutrient groups: grilled salmon with rice peas carrots and piece of fruit for dessert The darker the olive oil the better for u Whole grains like some pasta and brown rice and cereal have lots of insoluble fiber so shouldn't be given to babies at every meal Troubleshooting Breastfed baby used to being in control of feeding so won't want spoon feeding. Will push food out and hand spoon back to parent. Sometimes spoon feeding will send mixed messages about how much we trust him Better not to spoon feed at every meal Won't get enough variety of texture and opportunity to develop his skills Reserve spoon for certain foods like yogurt or to hand loaded spoon every now and then and let him decide whether to eat it Don't distract while he's eating. Let him concentrate Make all ur meals something baby can share If overloaded tray with food, he will want to clear the deck so he can concentrate By 7 months some babies barely started eating Don't talk about some foods as his “favorites” or others he doesn't like. Don't make it sound permanent Periods of eating less are normal especially during teething or a cold when using energy to fight it. Breastfeeding helps with teething. Life changes affect appetite Ok if skips food entirely for a couple days for no reason and then comes back Offer a little food and let him ask for more if he wants it. Don't overload tray which can overwhelm him. Babies often happier sitting on parents lap for first few weeks or months of solids Don't stare at baby while he's eating Don't force to sit at table for long periods when not interested in eating Allow him to make as much of mess as wants If not enjoying being at table try a picnic Babies whose families have history of allergy are late starters in solids Continue to include in meals even if not interested in it yet. Can take months even to 10 months old. Baby putting on lots of weight is antiquated and wrong goal Playing is baby's way of learning about how things work and developing new skills Give freedom to spend as much time playing with food as possible All that matters is if seems healthy and thriving and filling diapers. Amount eaten doesn't. In my obsession to learn about and conquer the seemingly impossible hurdle of baby sleep, I just finished reading The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley. A lot of the suggestions I learned elsewhere were mentioned in this book, so there was a lot of reinforcement of what I learned from other people and classes. My biggest benefit from reading it was seeing the full menu of options and strategies available as well as the sample schedules and guidelines for nighttime and daytime sleep as the child ages. Recommends dr Sears parenting books Part 1 10 steps 1 safety check 2 sleep facts 6 mo: 2 naps totaling 3-4 hr plus 10-11 hr nighttime sleep, total 14-15 hr 9 mo: 2 naps 2.5-4 hr plus 11-12 hr night totaling 14 hr 12 mo: 1-2 naps 2-3 hr plus 11.5-12 hr night totaling 13-14 hr 2 yr: 1 nap 1-2 hr plus 11-12 hr night totaling 13 hr 3 yr: 1 nap 1-1.5 plus 11 night totaling 12 hr 4 yr: no nap, 11.5 night 5 yr: 11 night Sleeping through night defined by 5 hr stretch Sleeping sounds vs awake sounds 3 create sleep logs Nap log Time fell asleep How fell asleep Where fell asleep Where slept How long Pre bedtime routine log for hours before bed Activity Noise Light Night awakening log Time woke up How woke up Your response Time fell back asleep 4 review and choose sleep solutions Stick with any idea 1-2 weeks Lovey Warm bed Bedtime 6:30-8 Earlier to bed means longer night Regular feeding and napping schedule Nap less than 1 hr in length don't help much Regular naps 3: mid morning, early afternoon, early evening 2: mid morning, early afternoon 1: early afternoon Nap should be immediately when shows signs of tiredness Skip routine if looks tired Nap routine different from night routine Limit length of daytime naps Develop key words as sleep cue like sh and melody and time for night night Repeat words when in that situation, not when crying Music or sound Gentle removal Soothing pats Verbally soothing baby Comfort from outside doorway Read books about bedtime to kids Write own family book about sleep Poster board Take picture of baby My sleep book Pix of baby sleeping in crib Show pics of exact bedtime routine you use All about <baby name> Book about baby's life Finishing with bedtime routine Take pic of baby doing each step of bedtime routine Last pic is goal of final sleep Example @ 2:27 remaining Read book every night and talk about it Helps with weaning from nursing at end of day Write about how big boy Bedtime poster that demonstrates steps to bedtime Commit routine to chart Can give tickets allowing child to get out of bed in night for certain reasons and drop number of tickets over time 5 create personal sleep plan Summary of all tips and suggestions 6 follow sleep plan Don't go out or schedule activities during planned sleep 10 day log important for not worrying about occasional bumps 7 do a 10 day log Compare amount sleeping and naps to ideal Night waking log Compare how well bedtime routines were done, how quiet and dim 8 analyze your success Consistently stick to plan even with disruptions like teething and sickness Teething Clean cool wash cloth Cooled teething ring Separation anxiety Let them know u r nearby More hugs during day Big Photo of parents in nursery near bed Lovey Say goodbye Make sounds or sing from other room so baby knows ur there Developmental milestones and new skills Goes away when skill mastered Gentle pat when wakes or say key words Illness Let baby rest and don't plan activities or visitors Stay calm and peaceful Provide lots of liquids Pamper and cuddle Clear nose using saline nasal spray and aspirator Gas and colic Ear infection 9 follow plan for 10 more days 10 complete log and analyze again Part 2 11 Parent night waking Stop worrying about sleep Relax Turn clock away from bed Give self permission to sleep Pay off sleep debt Develop sleep routine Set body clock Keep consistent sleep and awake time Organize your day and write down on calendar and todo list. Pad of paper near bed. Avoid caffeine late in day. Stays in blood 6-14 hrs. Better herbal tea or warm milk in evening. Make exercise part of your day. Maintain regular pattern. completed at least 3 hours before bedtime. Walk in indoor shopping mall when bad weather. Make sure bed environment comfortable Temperature of bedroom regulated Light Noise Have own bedtime routine Avoid stimulating activities before bed Eat light before sleep. Milk eggs cottage cheese. Focus mind on peaceful relaxing thoughts. Repeat meditative phrase. Feel weight of parts of body moving up. Engorgement adjustment Apply warm compresses Pump a small amount Take warm shower 12 final thoughts |
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