Notes on This is So Awkward by Cara Netterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett

Several fellow parents recently recommended This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained by Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett, and I just finished reading it. The authors gave a talk for our school as well as a few podcasts I listen to. I liked their scientific/medical/evidence-based perspective as well as their modern/fresh/updated tone that showed they are in touch with reality today. It was interesting to learn about what has changed over the decades and what has remained the same. I enjoyed reading the sample scripts/prompts and structures for conversations. I found this book to be good preparation for parents for the next decade of parenting and what that has in store.

My main notes and takeaways are below.

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Facts about puberty
Kids start 2 years younger than before and lasts longer
Brain doesn’t finish maturing until early adulthood
Body issues fueled by social media

Intro
Separate their experience from our own
Have permission to not know everything

1 the big picture: starting sooner, lasting longer
Hair growth unrelated
Puberty starts earlier and lasts longer
Treat kids how old they are not how old they look
Exec function development takes longer

2 the other big picture: how to talk about all of it
Always define terms you use and don’t assume they know
Listen don’t just talk
Answer question with question
Listening buys time to formulate thoughts
Step slowly into tricky conversations
Pause
How much do you know about x
Don’t ever lie
I’m nervous to talk about this but it’s important so let’s dive in
Have awkward conversations in the car to avoid eye contact
Say I don’t know
Look up together or find expert
Don’t lecture
Give just a few pieces of info
Ask for questions
Make space for them to process
Leave your baggage at the door
Share sparingly, mostly with humor
When you make a mistake, go back and repair it and do a do over and explain why

3 breasts, buds
One bud appearing before other is normal
Starts at 8
Mood swings, door slamming, requests for privacy 
Men can develop too
Kid who needs bra but doesn’t want: just offer a few as example to try and ask how they feel
Kid who doesn’t need bra but wants: there are options out there 
Some kids clothing not friendly for buds
If you want to wear that top, you’ll need to wear a layer underneath. I have this bra here for you. 
Periods can affect boobs and create some pain

4 penises and testicles
Growth
Talk about timing of growth differing between people
Talk about self pleasure in private
Normalize erections at random times

5 periods
Periods become regular 1-2 years after menarche first one
First one looks brown like poop
Period lasts 3-7 days and marks start of cycle 
Periods not starting sooner, usually around 12
Period underwear and bathing suits
Normalize it and show different products
Teach them how to clean off blood from sheets
Talk about vaginal discharge
Carry spare clothes
Discuss contingency plans if at school or sports
Give special necklace for first period and prepare pads ahead of time and give books about it in 5-6 grade
Mood swing at period
Period tracking app to prepare pads and emotions for next one

6 hair
Adrenarche separate from puberty
Hair removal technology
Hygiene conversations
If kid avoiding showers, explain that hair gets oilier at this age and shower routine needs to change
Don’t do permanent hair removal solutions until older

7 acne
Caused by more sweating and grease
Sugary foods and stress cause more inflammation and acne
Wash face with gentle fragrance free skin cleanser twice per day (more won’t help)
Moisturize face with thin layer after washing and with spf
Acne not a sign of puberty
Topical retinoid at night
Benzoyl Peroxide once per day any time
Try either first then other one if doesn’t help
Treatments take days to kick in
If neither alone helps then try both together with benzoyl in morning after washing and drying face and retinoid at night
Moisturize with spf in morning and without in evening 
Find someone kid will listen to who is not parent that can give them advice
Is there anyone you want to talk to about this?
I realize we haven’t talked in a while about your skin. Any new products you need for your bathroom?
Easy breezy tone
Validate feelings
Do you want me to just listen or try to solve the problem?

8 body odor
Daily showers with soap
Deodorant
Explain causes of new smells (more sweat and oil and bacteria eat it and fart out smell) and how to prevent smell with soap shower
Normalize change
Give them options about products and try a few together and make it a game
Give detailed instructions of what to wash and how
Follow up after convo

9 growth spurts, weight gain, and curves
Formulas to predict height based on parents or height at age 2
Periphery grows first then center
4-7 lbs weight gain per inch of growth
Overweight caused earlier puberty
Normalize that there’s nothing standard about growing up
Just acknowledge feelings
Keep your mouth shut
Don’t talk about how body looks
Address timing when puberty is early
Treat kids the age they are not how they look
Be their empathic sounding board
Remind others to not comment on body
Address timing when it’s late
Diversify their interests
Cooking
Improv
Martial arts
Never guess kid’s age. Always ask
Don’t compare siblings and growth
Normalize tension between siblings
Bodies grow at different timelines
Bodies develop unpredictably and can’t guess final state

10 sleep
Not a luxury but necessity
Elementary need 10-12 hours of sleep 
Middle and high schoolers need 8-10 hours
Adults 7-10 hours
Explain benefits of sleep
Memories are stored
Cramming late night before not helpful for test
Resets mood
Affects metabolism and hunger  
Grows body
Light affects melatonin to make sleep
Screen light bad for sleep
Hey I read this wild thing that kids grow when they sleep so if you want to grow as much as you can it’s important to get a good night sleep and go to bed earlier 
Push back on academic pressure to work late by explaining memories stored when you sleep
Push back on devices an hour or two before bed and all devices charging outside bedroom
Model the advice you give
Explain how lack of sleep affects moods by throwing self under bus
Reminder last week how I was so mad at you? I hadn’t slept enough because I had stayed up late. Sometimes I can tell when you haven’t had enough sleep. Can you?

11 brain development
Starts before puberty and lasts a lot longer
Electrical and chemical signals
Limbic system messages sent way faster than prefrontal cortex for adult thinking
Brains not done developing and myellating until 30
Peers activate limbic system
They can’t always help it
Give some scaffolding like reminder on phone or asking reliable friend
Conversations help make muscle memory
Don’t just lecture
Ask kids for input
Ask what they would do like if offered drugs. Ask to role play
Explain science
Brain analogy
Slower construction in part of brain for executive function
Teach how to Pause before acting 
If you have to do over again, what would change

12 mood swings
Temporary feelings
Avoid engaging and escalating
Phrases to avoid
Calm down
Just breathe next to them and be calm
Stop crying
Let me know if you want a hug or a shoulder to cry on
It’s not a big deal. You’ll be fine tomorrow. 
Such a bummer. Is there anything you want me to say or you want to just keep going?
Avoid meeting anger with anger
Set boundaries without behavior
All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not
Tolerate silence
Don’t force engagement
Ask questions and wait for response
Get interested in their interests
Tell me one funny thing that happened in class
Find someone for them to talk to
Are you in mood A or B

13 mental health
Exercise 60 min per day
Nutrition balanced
Sleep with no decices in room for an hour before bed
Mindfulness and meditation and patterned breathing
Help kids differentiate between normal reactions and overreactions 
Don’t dismiss their emotions as drama
Keep lines of communication open. Listen quietly
I’m wondering
Hey I’m noticing
What do you think about 
Reduce academic pressure
Don’t ask about test
Ask about low stakes fun questions about life which is unrelated

14 body image and eating disorders
Social media culprit
Avoid “you’re not fat you’re beautiful”
I’m wondering where that comment is coming from
Hmm what makes you say that
Teach kids to be critics of media body image
Remove scales from house
Skinny people can be self conscious too
Hey I noticed you haven’t been eating x for dinner. Has something changed?
Hey I noticed you’re spending a lot of time at the gym. It’s great to exercise but I want to make sure you’re also eating well enough to fuel all that. 
I see you haven’t been eating breakfast lately. I wanted to check in. Do you need some other options?
I noticed some secret wrappers in your room. Those snacks are really tasty. It’s ok for you to have them sometimes but with ground rules. There’s no secret eating since it’s my job to make sure you eat enough nutritious food so I need know and have a say in when you eat those foods. What do you think? Is this a fair plan?

15 youth sports overspecialization
Everything in moderation
Risk of injury
Burnout
Delay sports specialization until late adolescence
Free play also valuable 
Being multi sport athlete best
Keep mouth shut at side lines
Speak to coach privately
Don’t bring to car ride home or dinner after
Best way to learn is by doing and making mistakes 
Don’t ignore when kid looks like in pain
Don’t tolerate abusive Coach
Be your kid’s refuge not critic
It’s their dream not your dream
Motivation should come from them
Need sleep and rest
Do not force to stay on diet for sport or form
Do not comment on how child eats
Trust and understanding 

16 sex
Respond when prompted
Answer truthfully 
Talk about both the science and the humanity 
Explain abstinence and safety
Explain consent
Explain porn fake
Explain contraception
New culture with different order of activities
Many small talks over time
Explain physiology of both genders
4 types
Ask kids to teach you
Teach consent early and often even for things like sharing sandwich
I’m so glad you feel comfortable asking me that. That’s something I’m going to keep private. 
Avoid oversharing
That’s such an interesting question. What makes you ask that?
Talk about love and how it’s something special between people
Normalize communication during act
Avoid the “my kid would never” trap
Say been reading about situationships but not sure what they are and can they explain
Hey I was reading this book and it mentioned / was listening to a podcast that mentioned / have you heard about that?
Have you noticed at school / do your friends ever talk about x
Define terms
Have you ever heard word porn. Do you know what is
Explain how different from normal life
Explain addiction and how to avoid

17 contraception and STI
Address pregnancy and disease
Explain science to kids
Explain how to use
Explain that other forms of sex risks diseases
Name your discomfort when talking about it

18 orientation
Identity
Attraction
Behavior
Be inclusive
Explain different types of families
I love you so much and I am so proud to be your parent

19 gender identity 
Non-binary
Different from orientation which is focused on attraction 
Pronouns
Name changes
Physical changes
Ask kids about what they’re seeing

20 friendships and peer influence
Limbic system matures faster than prefrontal cortex so they take more risks
Friends amplify pleasure centers
Modeling can be positive peer influence
Kid needs only a single good friend
Social media makes things worse
Be empathic about friend drama
I notice you’re not hanging out with x. What’s going on? Well if you ever want to talk about it I’m here
Don’t force or fix things with friends
Find other friend options
Monitor device usage
Peer pressure: teach to count to 10 before deciding
Role play getting out of difficult situations 
What would you say if
Teach to go to bathroom or use code word for help
Lies to avoid pressure
Sorry my parents drug test me
Sorry my parents are picking me up in 5 min