![]() Several fellow parents recently recommended This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained by Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett, and I just finished reading it. The authors gave a talk for our school as well as a few podcasts I listen to. I liked their scientific/medical/evidence-based perspective as well as their modern/fresh/updated tone that showed they are in touch with reality today. It was interesting to learn about what has changed over the decades and what has remained the same. I enjoyed reading the sample scripts/prompts and structures for conversations. I found this book to be good preparation for parents for the next decade of parenting and what that has in store. My main notes and takeaways are below. Facts about puberty
Kids start 2 years younger than before and lasts longer Brain doesn’t finish maturing until early adulthood Body issues fueled by social media Intro Separate their experience from our own Have permission to not know everything 1 the big picture: starting sooner, lasting longer Hair growth unrelated Puberty starts earlier and lasts longer Treat kids how old they are not how old they look Exec function development takes longer 2 the other big picture: how to talk about all of it Always define terms you use and don’t assume they know Listen don’t just talk Answer question with question Listening buys time to formulate thoughts Step slowly into tricky conversations Pause How much do you know about x Don’t ever lie I’m nervous to talk about this but it’s important so let’s dive in Have awkward conversations in the car to avoid eye contact Say I don’t know Look up together or find expert Don’t lecture Give just a few pieces of info Ask for questions Make space for them to process Leave your baggage at the door Share sparingly, mostly with humor When you make a mistake, go back and repair it and do a do over and explain why 3 breasts, buds One bud appearing before other is normal Starts at 8 Mood swings, door slamming, requests for privacy Men can develop too Kid who needs bra but doesn’t want: just offer a few as example to try and ask how they feel Kid who doesn’t need bra but wants: there are options out there Some kids clothing not friendly for buds If you want to wear that top, you’ll need to wear a layer underneath. I have this bra here for you. Periods can affect boobs and create some pain 4 penises and testicles Growth Talk about timing of growth differing between people Talk about self pleasure in private Normalize erections at random times 5 periods Periods become regular 1-2 years after menarche first one First one looks brown like poop Period lasts 3-7 days and marks start of cycle Periods not starting sooner, usually around 12 Period underwear and bathing suits Normalize it and show different products Teach them how to clean off blood from sheets Talk about vaginal discharge Carry spare clothes Discuss contingency plans if at school or sports Give special necklace for first period and prepare pads ahead of time and give books about it in 5-6 grade Mood swing at period Period tracking app to prepare pads and emotions for next one 6 hair Adrenarche separate from puberty Hair removal technology Hygiene conversations If kid avoiding showers, explain that hair gets oilier at this age and shower routine needs to change Don’t do permanent hair removal solutions until older 7 acne Caused by more sweating and grease Sugary foods and stress cause more inflammation and acne Wash face with gentle fragrance free skin cleanser twice per day (more won’t help) Moisturize face with thin layer after washing and with spf Acne not a sign of puberty Topical retinoid at night Benzoyl Peroxide once per day any time Try either first then other one if doesn’t help Treatments take days to kick in If neither alone helps then try both together with benzoyl in morning after washing and drying face and retinoid at night Moisturize with spf in morning and without in evening Find someone kid will listen to who is not parent that can give them advice Is there anyone you want to talk to about this? I realize we haven’t talked in a while about your skin. Any new products you need for your bathroom? Easy breezy tone Validate feelings Do you want me to just listen or try to solve the problem? 8 body odor Daily showers with soap Deodorant Explain causes of new smells (more sweat and oil and bacteria eat it and fart out smell) and how to prevent smell with soap shower Normalize change Give them options about products and try a few together and make it a game Give detailed instructions of what to wash and how Follow up after convo 9 growth spurts, weight gain, and curves Formulas to predict height based on parents or height at age 2 Periphery grows first then center 4-7 lbs weight gain per inch of growth Overweight caused earlier puberty Normalize that there’s nothing standard about growing up Just acknowledge feelings Keep your mouth shut Don’t talk about how body looks Address timing when puberty is early Treat kids the age they are not how they look Be their empathic sounding board Remind others to not comment on body Address timing when it’s late Diversify their interests Cooking Improv Martial arts Never guess kid’s age. Always ask Don’t compare siblings and growth Normalize tension between siblings Bodies grow at different timelines Bodies develop unpredictably and can’t guess final state 10 sleep Not a luxury but necessity Elementary need 10-12 hours of sleep Middle and high schoolers need 8-10 hours Adults 7-10 hours Explain benefits of sleep Memories are stored Cramming late night before not helpful for test Resets mood Affects metabolism and hunger Grows body Light affects melatonin to make sleep Screen light bad for sleep Hey I read this wild thing that kids grow when they sleep so if you want to grow as much as you can it’s important to get a good night sleep and go to bed earlier Push back on academic pressure to work late by explaining memories stored when you sleep Push back on devices an hour or two before bed and all devices charging outside bedroom Model the advice you give Explain how lack of sleep affects moods by throwing self under bus Reminder last week how I was so mad at you? I hadn’t slept enough because I had stayed up late. Sometimes I can tell when you haven’t had enough sleep. Can you? 11 brain development Starts before puberty and lasts a lot longer Electrical and chemical signals Limbic system messages sent way faster than prefrontal cortex for adult thinking Brains not done developing and myellating until 30 Peers activate limbic system They can’t always help it Give some scaffolding like reminder on phone or asking reliable friend Conversations help make muscle memory Don’t just lecture Ask kids for input Ask what they would do like if offered drugs. Ask to role play Explain science Brain analogy Slower construction in part of brain for executive function Teach how to Pause before acting If you have to do over again, what would change 12 mood swings Temporary feelings Avoid engaging and escalating Phrases to avoid Calm down Just breathe next to them and be calm Stop crying Let me know if you want a hug or a shoulder to cry on It’s not a big deal. You’ll be fine tomorrow. Such a bummer. Is there anything you want me to say or you want to just keep going? Avoid meeting anger with anger Set boundaries without behavior All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not Tolerate silence Don’t force engagement Ask questions and wait for response Get interested in their interests Tell me one funny thing that happened in class Find someone for them to talk to Are you in mood A or B 13 mental health Exercise 60 min per day Nutrition balanced Sleep with no decices in room for an hour before bed Mindfulness and meditation and patterned breathing Help kids differentiate between normal reactions and overreactions Don’t dismiss their emotions as drama Keep lines of communication open. Listen quietly I’m wondering Hey I’m noticing What do you think about Reduce academic pressure Don’t ask about test Ask about low stakes fun questions about life which is unrelated 14 body image and eating disorders Social media culprit Avoid “you’re not fat you’re beautiful” I’m wondering where that comment is coming from Hmm what makes you say that Teach kids to be critics of media body image Remove scales from house Skinny people can be self conscious too Hey I noticed you haven’t been eating x for dinner. Has something changed? Hey I noticed you’re spending a lot of time at the gym. It’s great to exercise but I want to make sure you’re also eating well enough to fuel all that. I see you haven’t been eating breakfast lately. I wanted to check in. Do you need some other options? I noticed some secret wrappers in your room. Those snacks are really tasty. It’s ok for you to have them sometimes but with ground rules. There’s no secret eating since it’s my job to make sure you eat enough nutritious food so I need know and have a say in when you eat those foods. What do you think? Is this a fair plan? 15 youth sports overspecialization Everything in moderation Risk of injury Burnout Delay sports specialization until late adolescence Free play also valuable Being multi sport athlete best Keep mouth shut at side lines Speak to coach privately Don’t bring to car ride home or dinner after Best way to learn is by doing and making mistakes Don’t ignore when kid looks like in pain Don’t tolerate abusive Coach Be your kid’s refuge not critic It’s their dream not your dream Motivation should come from them Need sleep and rest Do not force to stay on diet for sport or form Do not comment on how child eats Trust and understanding 16 sex Respond when prompted Answer truthfully Talk about both the science and the humanity Explain abstinence and safety Explain consent Explain porn fake Explain contraception New culture with different order of activities Many small talks over time Explain physiology of both genders 4 types Ask kids to teach you Teach consent early and often even for things like sharing sandwich I’m so glad you feel comfortable asking me that. That’s something I’m going to keep private. Avoid oversharing That’s such an interesting question. What makes you ask that? Talk about love and how it’s something special between people Normalize communication during act Avoid the “my kid would never” trap Say been reading about situationships but not sure what they are and can they explain Hey I was reading this book and it mentioned / was listening to a podcast that mentioned / have you heard about that? Have you noticed at school / do your friends ever talk about x Define terms Have you ever heard word porn. Do you know what is Explain how different from normal life Explain addiction and how to avoid 17 contraception and STI Address pregnancy and disease Explain science to kids Explain how to use Explain that other forms of sex risks diseases Name your discomfort when talking about it 18 orientation Identity Attraction Behavior Be inclusive Explain different types of families I love you so much and I am so proud to be your parent 19 gender identity Non-binary Different from orientation which is focused on attraction Pronouns Name changes Physical changes Ask kids about what they’re seeing 20 friendships and peer influence Limbic system matures faster than prefrontal cortex so they take more risks Friends amplify pleasure centers Modeling can be positive peer influence Kid needs only a single good friend Social media makes things worse Be empathic about friend drama I notice you’re not hanging out with x. What’s going on? Well if you ever want to talk about it I’m here Don’t force or fix things with friends Find other friend options Monitor device usage Peer pressure: teach to count to 10 before deciding Role play getting out of difficult situations What would you say if Teach to go to bathroom or use code word for help Lies to avoid pressure Sorry my parents drug test me Sorry my parents are picking me up in 5 min
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