Notes on The Coaching Habit by Michael Stanier

A fellow engineer/manager recently recommended The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More, and Change the Way You Lead Forever by Michael Bungay Stanier, and I finished it last week. It was short and sweet, with a lot of actionable advice, mainly in the form of helpful starter questions and prompts.

​A lot of coaching is about getting out of your own way, asking the right questions, and just listening. This book offers some great starter questions to focus on and a good framework for using them. I've already tried a few out and found them helpful and very easy to implement.

I recommend this book to any manager or founder, especially introverts who struggle with what to talk about in 1:1s or in difficult conversations. Below are my main notes and takeaways.

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Intro
Curiosity and empathy 
Avoid creating overdependence
Coaching for performance versus for development 

How to build habit
Reason
Trigger
Micro habit
Practice
Plan

Question masterclass part 1
Ask only one question at a time and be quiet 

1 the kickstart question
What’s on your mind
3 P
Project
Person
Pattern
Ask which level they want to focus on

Masterclass part 2
Skip the small talk and ask the question
Out of curiosity as preamble

2 the awe question
“And what else?”
Ask for more options
Stay curious
Stay genuine
Ask it one more time
Ask at least 3 times
And what else might be possible, and what else could you do
Don’t jump to accepting first idea

Masterclass part 3
Should you ask rhetorical questions. No
Offer idea not hidden as question

3 the focus question
“What’s the real challenge here for you?”
Helps you not solve the wrong problem
Don’t focus on ghost who is not there but about action the person you’re talking to can take

Masterclass part 4
Five why’s
Start with why
Stick to questions starting with what instead of why

4 the foundation question
“What do you (really) want?”
Wants, needs
Miracle question: what would dream solution look like

Masterclass part 5
Get comfortable with silence 

5 lazy question 
Don’t step in and take over
Don’t offer help to someone
Drama triangle
Rescuers create victims
Ask “How can I help?”
Stay curious and lazy
“What do you want from me?”

Masterclass part 6
Actually listen to the answer

6 the strategic question
If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?
What exactly are you saying yes to?
What exactly are you committing to?
No of omission
No of commission
Say yes to the person but no to the task
What is our winning aspiration
What impact do you want to have on the world
Where will you play
How will we win
What capabilities must be in place?
What management systems are required?

Masterclass 7
Acknowledge the answers you get
Fantastic
Nice
I like it
Yes that’s good

7 the learning question
People learn when they do not hear
Create learning moment from problem
“What was most useful for you?”
“What have you learned during that?”
“What was most useful for you about this conversation?”

Masterclass part 8
Use every channel for questions