Notes on The 5 Principles of Parenting by Aliza Pressman

I recently finished reading The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans by Aliza Pressman, which came out earlier this year. I had listened to and enjoyed her podcast, and this book was really good in hitting all the major topics from infants through teenagers. It built on and reinforced several other books I had read before, and I liked how it distilled all the material to its essence and the most actionable recommendations.

The various frameworks in the book (5 R's, BALANCE, BAD, etc.) are helpful for remembering what to do in difficult situations. The various mindfulness exercises and prompts were nice as well. I especially enjoyed the descriptions of various games families can play together.

This is a great overall parenting book that covers a lot of ground very concisely and directly, and I definitely recommend it. My main notes and takeaways are below.

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Intro
Relationship
Reflection
Regulation
Rules
Repair
Lead to resilience
Visualize yourself grounded

Part 1 the forest through the trees: getting to what matters

1 clearing away the noise: beginning from a place of balance
Pause between stimulus and response
Slow and deep breath
Self regulation
Parenting passcode balance
Breathe
Acknowledge
Let it go
Assess: gauge own and child state of mind 
Notice physical response in body 
Connect with child
Engage with chosen response 
Give self permission to be bad
Breathe
Assess
Deal
All feelings well, all behaviors not
8 ways to engage parasympathetic nervous system
Breathe
Cold exposure
Laugh
Good cry
Spend time in nature
Play with pet
20 sec hug with loved one
Butterfly hug of self
Coregulation
Survive then learn to be wise
Ok to share feelings with kids
Commit to sensitive caregiving
Notice and respond to unique signals from child
Serve and return like tennis with child
Benefits of not foxing everything 
Meditations
More often than not I’m the parent I want to be

2 5 parenting practices and 5 teachable skills to set your child up for resilience: the ordinary magic of raising kids who can weather life’s storms
Explain to kids how you overcome daily challenges and surprises 
Goal directed problem solving
Show how you use executive function
cognitive flexibility
5 Rs
Relationships
Reflection, self reflection 
Regulation, control self
Rules
Repair
Resilience
Games
Gratitude
Model it 
Rose bud thorn
Journal
Autonomy
Let kid carry own weight
Don’t do for them what they can do 
Zone of proximal development 
“Can’t do it yet”
Show don’t just tell how to do task
Do task together
Let child show you how they do it
Pass torch of ownership of task to child
Ask kids to show you their plan 
Motivation
Intrinsic and extrinsic motivation both have their place
Future reflection: props and storyboards to imagine future self in various scenarios 
Notice what child engaged in
Explain how to break task into manageable steps
Empathy
Point out how actions make people feel
Catch kids being good
Help label feelings
Play pretend and role playing 
Notice how others feeling
Self regulation 
Board games
Simon says
Double Dutch
Hokey Pokey
Choreographed dances
Chess
Singing
Bingo
Memory games
Martial arts
Musical chairs
Rub belly and pat head
Mindfulness
Balloon in belly imagination
Smell flower and blow out candle
Hot cocoa with marshmallows 
Eat pretend dessert

3 what makes a good human? Getting at what really matters to you
Define family values
Family values exercise

4 raising good parents: meet parenting archetypes
Regular contacts with other parents
Unconditional acceptance
Internal family systems exercises
Unicorn space for parent

5 foundations for strong relationships: setting the stage for secure attachment 
Secure base most of the time and respond to needs
Notice and feel where you are

6 parent the kid you have: temperament, parenting styles, and making the best of goodness of fit
Temperament innate and genetic
Kids separate and unique
Three types: easy, slow to warm, difficult
Dandelions and orchids and tulips
Own their personality
Routines to make things standard
Compassion expressed
Human differences
Imaginative play
Danger help to confront
Adapt your communication style to your kid’s
Authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative parenting 
Boundaries (personal guidelines), limits (rules on behavior)
Be specific when praising and focus on effort not outcome

7 perfect parenting is the enemy of good parenting: the benefits of imperfection and self-compassion
Perfectionism in parents and kids can be taken too far
Self love and forgiveness
Normalize mistakes
Notice things that go right
Explain luck vs skill

8 the delight lab: The science of awe and play
Join child in any play they want at their level
Delight time
PRIDE
Praise
Reflection
Imitation
Description
Enthusiasm 
Simple toys that encourage creativity
What animal am I? Guess movements
Acting
Telephone to kids emotions and talk to them
Magic elevator to go to different worlds 
Look for the wow moments
Share the activities that bring you joy

Part 2: from page to stage: putting the science and your everyday values into practice 

9 eat, poop, love: autonomy without shame
Offer healthy options and step back
Autonomy supportive parenting
Let kids help prepare meals
Chores by ages
Chore wheel or stack of chores that everyone draws from each week
Toddlers
Put clothes in laundry basket
Put toys away
Preschoolers
Make own bed
Water plants
Pull weeds
Elementary
Make snacks
Vacuum
Sweep leaves
Tweens
Laundry
Dishes
Babysitting
Freedoms list created by child
They can make list of new freedoms they want like later bedtime
You sort into now vs soon or later
Connect those freedoms to readiness indications and what they can do to show you they’re ready 

10 the science of sleep: getting enough of the best medicine 
Big kid bed after 3
Consistent bedtime
When in doubt, shift bedtime earlier
Keep evenings calm and quiet
Bedtime routine
Put down drowsy and awake
Avoid motion dependence

11 disciplined approach to discipline: all feelings welcome, all behaviors not
Set clear expectations 
Connected consequences (natural and logical)
Refrain from fixing
Catch child being good
Meet big feelings with calm connection 
5 min warning
Anticipate and prevent when possible
Plan ahead with big reactors
Offer choices
Introduce written contracts with older kids

12 common points of conflict: apply what you’ve learned to tricky situations
Healing power of distraction 
Cuddle
Connect
Understand developmental moment
Discourage unwanted behavior
Distract
Let go of shame
Engage with child
Whining, lying, cheating
Whining
Hard for me to understand while whining. Can you try again in your real voice?
Lying
Set them up to tell the truth
Don’t ask kids question you already know answer
Tell what you already know
I noticed you didn’t brush your teeth. What’s your plan?
Cheating
Model honesty like not taking multiple cupcakes
Allow for do overs
Call in a do over and do a dance
Rewind tape
Sing silly song
Repair
Apologize if you overreacted
Let go of shame
Just say sorry

13 your child and the outside world: school and beyond: staying grounded as children become more autonomous
Let them practice autonomy
Account for own baggage
Don’t hover or contact teachers
Volunteer in classrooms
Ask deeper questions about their day
“I wonder if you’re feeling x about y”
Watch peers model more advanced skills
Reminders of their past successes
Inner efficacy
Encourage kids to try
Effort makes evolution 
Use word “yet” when can’t do something 
Remind of their recent successes 
Clarify to correct
Specific earned praise
Point out strategy that helps
Encourage child to find own advice
Teach micro mindfulness
Smell flower, blow out candle
A sense of mattering matters
Knowing they matter
Even if crumpled up by experience or bad results, still worth a lot ($20 bill normal or crumpled still worth same)
5 ways to say that stinks
I’m so sorry. That must feel so hard
You look so sad
That would make me sad if that happened
Tell me more what you mean by that
Just hold hand and squeeze
I see you and hear you and am here for you
Discuss racism and discrimination 
Extracurriculars
Seek balance
Don’t do too many
Don’t quit on a bad day. Wait for natural stopping point like end of season. 
Normalize moving on
Humans thrive with choice
Helps autonomy
When big scary things happen
Explain in simple language
Offer ways to get involved or help or serve
Ask kids what they think first
Explain we are safe
Stick to routines
I cannot control outside world but can control my response to it

14 friends and siblings: learning to be flexible with other kids 
Support children to form friendships
Model your own friendships
Avoid comparisons and labeling
Avoid good kid bad kid dynamics
Allow for boundaries and not sharing everything 
Validate all feelings
Allow for roughhousing. Give safe word
Be mediator not judge
Name what you see
Ask each to explain other side’s perspective
Tattling to get in trouble vs telling to protect 
Teach difference 
Don’t get involved in tattling
Encourage perspective taking and telling story from perspective of other side
Sometimes you bite your tongue. 
Equity not equality
Glass children 

15 transitions big and small: use change as an opportunity to emphasize what stays the same
Lean into routines
Ritual for when you leave
Be clear about death. Body stopped working

16 screen time generation: screens, devices, social media
Family media time of screen free zones and times
Be comfortable being the bad guy

17 sex gender and sexuality: it’s a whole new world
Love them as they are
Normalize periods
Explain bodies start to smell sometimes and to wash and use deodorant and treat it normal
Teach consent lightly
Ask them for consent too

18 finding your middle road: the space between