Notes on Raising Lions by Joe Newman

A fellow parent recommended to me the book Raising Lions by Joe Newman. I just finished reading it and really enjoyed it. It was a very new perspective for me to read, and it made a lot of sense. It focused on an authoritarian, balanced, behaviorist approach to parenting and discipline. I loved all the very challenging scenarios it described and how they were resolved with the appropriate interventions/strategies. I can see a lot of situations even in normal contexts where these principles can apply. I definitely recommend this book to any parents of strong-willed kids.

Below are my main notes and takeaways.

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​I’m Intro
dealing with problem behaviors and children

1 the anatomy of a lion
We are creating strong willed, self empowered lions and acting like lambs ourselves
Lambs can’t raise lions
Powerful people need powerful boundaries 
Power and connection determine mental health and need to be in balance
Power is recognition of self, ability to take initiative based on own needs
Connection is recognition of others, empathy
Child centered rearing trends increased child power and reduced adult power and connection
Shift from self discipline to self expression 
Child development
Oneness when baby thinks parents do everything baby wants
Omnipotence when realizes they are separate and need to control and test them
Parents seem little compared to large child sphere
Magnifies behavior problems 
Interdependence
Third stage where both depend
Large tension between parents and kids and similar size spheres
Mutual recognition
Around age 3 should transition
The longer they stay in omnipotence the more problems they have later

2 the lion cub
a toddler’s actions ask questions
To learn there must be conflict. Most come up against the needs and desires of others. 
Can’t just have child live how they want and everyone else much lower priority
Child trying to learn where he ends and others begin and who he has power over
Must experience the frustrations of not getting what he wants
Not about always having moments with pleasure
Either they struggle now or they struggle more later
Child goes through rapprochement: struggle then calm down then embrace and move towards interdependence 
Parent role changes from providing for all needs to coaching through struggles
Two hands
Child reaching hand forward yearning to contact another
Parent hand action can be authoritarian (shaming, omnipotent) or permissive (abandoning) or authoritative/balanced/equal
Meet the hand
Firm hand with boundary and limit while acknowledging child 
I see you decided to do x when I told you that’s not allowed. When you ignore what I tell you, you’ll have to take a break and sit quietly for 2 minutes and then you can get up. Tell me when you’ve stopped crying so we can start the break. Need them to stop crying so they exercise self control. Don’t calm or try to help stop crying so they learn self regulation 
Actions lead to consequences you may not enjoy
Don’t judge child. Just set firm boundary. Yes you have power but I have power too and more than you and you need to respect that. 
It’s ok to have a tantrum, probably means you need a nap, so let’s go to bedroom. And if child calms down then can continue calm
Lions understand firm action. Reasoning fine but only when tied to firm action. 
Meet the hand
Mutual recognition
Too many breaks
Need to increase how you meet child if grows or continues behavior 
Sometimes takes a lot which is fine
Don’t just threaten
Lions need schools with clear boundaries and enforced consequences 

3 feeding candy to lions
raising child on diet of emotional praise and deference and indulgence is like raising diabetic and feeding cake at every meal
Too weak to digest life’s difficulties
Too much recognition of child self supports omnipotence and weakens interdependence. Need balance between recognition of self and others. 
Too many choices
Too much empowerment
Sometimes won’t have choices in life
Strengthens omnipotence
Part of team where needs of many outweigh those of one
Don’t always given choices for dinner
He’s not the only one here
Can’t change book halfway after choosing one already
Have faith kid can survive disappointment and frustration of not getting what wants
Give choices about some things but not others
Choice between 2-3 options
Sometimes no discussion or negotiation
Choices are a privilege that can be taken away if don’t respect them
I said I didn’t want to discuss this but you continued so now you need to take a 2 minute break
Is your child’s opinion more important than yours
We are the adults and should decide what’s right
Communication 
More articulate children lead to adults trying to reason with them
Not the right approach
Action must come before reason
Sometimes kids need less info
Less talk more action
Child assumed to have too much ethical ability
Create consequences so what is right is in their self interest 
Demonstrate empathy for others versus just making kid say I’m sorry
When kid takes someone else’s toy they need to take a break
Then empathize with child once their break is done. I know breaks aren’t always that fun. Can’t take toys away from others
Give immediate consequence of right magnitude
Ask what they could’ve done differently to get what they wanted
Tv is now off for a minute. If you do that again, it’ll be off for 5.
Tell rule then give sharp consequences so they learn the rules
No need to keep repeating or explaining rules especially obvious ones
Problem with praise
Reserve for moments when earned and use appropriately 
Warranted, specific, focused on effort
Don’t praise intelligence 
Tell child when you think they could’ve done better
Too much stimulation
Too much and too early
Antiauthoritarian generation
Contempt for authority bad
Parent as child best friend bad
Embrace conflict
Natural for child to want to try to make all decisions for unnatural for them to succeed
Firmly assert your will while recognizing that of your child and not judging them
Count down until time to transition
Parents must be authority figures

4 out of control lions
Medication overused 
Sometimes need to hold a child having a tantrum
Do restraint calmly and without anger and not as punishment
Child experiences lack of strong boundaries as abandonment
Move the frustration from the adults to the child so they experience it when they stop getting accommodations and crutches
Use language that indicates child fully understands and is capable of right behavior
Passive tantrum
Feigned inability or not understanding 
Evident in inconsistency in reading social cues and behaving right even in preferred activities 

5 lion’s cage
Child trapped in own behaviors when unchecked
Extreme behaviors misdiagnosed as disorder
Powerful and consistent boundaries and language that shows the child they have the power to act right
Omnipotence
Manipulative
Oppositional and defiant
Emotionally volatile
Inability to accept correction, consequence, or direction or not being part of every decision
Obsession with everything being fair
Perfectionist tendencies
Home without enough boundaries or structure or chaos creates problems
Use language that shows kid can stop his tantrum
Child must learn to internally process frustrations and difficulties 
Adult allow child to hold the struggles for himself
If child having tantrum, just hold calmly and say disinterested let me know when done with tantrum so I can tell you how to get back to class
Don’t verbally de-escalate a child because it robs child of chance to do it for himself
Don’t teach child that they can have others handle his difficulties 
To get out of isolation, first sit quietly for 5 min while being held, then 5 min quietly not held, then 5 min outside room quietly, then 5 min doing work quietly
Hold them now or hold them later
Physical hold done carefully with compassion and without anger better than medication later 
Do nothing while holding or waiting near child in break chair
Be calm and relaxed so child can mirror. Communicates faith and expectation that child will navigate the difficulty 
Wait out tantrums even for an hour
Don’t fill the void
waiting and faith

6 the language of lions
Myth of not knowing
Myth that children who misbehave don’t know it’s wrong or don’t know how to behave appropriately
Adults explain things the child already knows which doesn’t help
3 bad behavior types: benign, malignant, impulsive
Benign: leaves to go to bathroom when didn’t know rules
Malignant: behavior child understands is wrong like throwing paper airplane at another child
Impulsive: student calls out answer without raising hand because excited that knows answer; acts as a response to something and acts before thinking 
5 response types from adults to bad behavior
Information: just gives info
Action: requires immediate action and consequence 
Ignoring/Accommodating: some behaviors minor enough to ignore if can see child realizes it was wrong 
Asking a question: Dana do you need to move to another seat? Asks student to make a choice 
Inappropriate response: yelling, sarcasm, threats, rhetorical questions, etc.
Common mistake: give info to malignant behavior
Giving action response is only correct behavior
Give info only to benign behaviors
Almost all problem behaviors are malignant. Benign super rare. 
Responding to a lion
Make a response that takes away the motivation to keep doing it
Stand up please. Have a seat in front of the group and sit quietly. After a few min can ask if ready to rejoin the group. Lecturing about behavior they know is wrong is condescending.
Giving info responses invites manipulation or arguing
Short reasonable consequences and no wasted time 
Words must be pared with action
Toddlers need info to learn rules
Use action plus info so they learn faster like small consequence
Explain how choice leads to effect and explain how need to take a break if hit sibling
Malignant behavior needs action
Must be real consequences that are reasonable and administered without judgment 
Too much explaining is disrespectful 
Use action consequences 90% of the time and stop telling kids what they did wrong
5 min breaks as deterrent not punishment
Bullying at school
Not about lack of cognitive understanding 
Strong swift consequences that reduces social power
Remove incentive to continue action
Respond to bullying immediately with more action and less talk
15 rules
Too many rules posted makes it seem like teacher doesn’t believe in kids common sense
Give short non-judgmental consequence when bad behavior and little need for explanation 
Communicate that you think the kid is smart enough to understand the rules of the class. I have high expectation of your abilities. If you screw up, I won’t judge you or lecture you. I will administer brief consequence and you will adjust your behavior
Dynamic of kids being on their toes
Require child to move to another seat for a minute or more, focus desk near teacher, sit down if playing outside
Turning off tv, leaving game room, forfeiting cell phone for an hour, taking 2 min break 
Impulsive behaviors
3 possible responses: Action, ignoring, accommodating 
Is behavior disruptive? If no, can ignore or accommodate
If disruptive, do short action consequence
Squirming in chair doesn’t need correcting
Love is not needing to say I’m so sorry
Don’t require an apology
World operates by cause and effect not right and wrong
Action consequences better to ensure bad behaviors don’t have reward
Not sorry at all
Writing standards a hundred times as punishment doesn’t help
Not about misunderstanding 
Make consequences worse than rewards
Stop commenting about or judging behavior. Just focus on actions and consequences and eliminate bad tone from your voice. Neutral action prompts. 
If too much criticism, develops negative self image
Shifting identity 
Eliminate info responses for most bad behaviors. Ignore half the things you used to comment on. Give action consequences to behaviors you address. Follow through on all consequences. 

7 lion training: straw that broke camel’s back method
Instead of one big consequence after lots of bad behavior moments, give small consequences after each bad behavior
Most immediate consequence is a short break
If not listening then take 1 min break in room quietly. If won’t come when called, then take 2 min break farther away then 1 min break in room
Consequences gradual and natural not punitive or excessive
Neutral tone of coach not emotional tone of opponent
Too much time spent at focus desk means student needs to complete missed class work during recess
Explain cause and effect of consequences calmly
Break is sitting quietly in chair. If crying, say let me know when you’re done crying and will start your break
First child needs to regain control over self
Chance for child to practice exercising self control
Don’t spend break time explaining or comforting child. Should be quiet and boring. 
Just give short immediate break without explaining why. Kid knows why
I need you to sit here quietly for 60 seconds
Use short term consequences not long term ones like pizza party at end of week
Don’t give delayed consequences 

8 coaching lions: from opponent to coach
Children resist when you try to get them to do something
Soothing impulses of omnipotence
Acknowledge their power
Use language of choice and decisions they make
Don’t let it get personal when administering consequences 
Shift from opponent to coach
Never moralize to them
Always do what you say you’ll do
Verbal jiu jitzu
Instead of meeting head to head, point in same direction and redirect
Child says I want. You don’t say I won’t let you but instead say you can choose this or this
Teach that World works by cause and effect
That action leads to this and that action leads to this. The adult takes themself out of the process. 
Adult moves to side of child as coach
Explain clear rules and be on side of child 
Instead of “you need to do what I say” it’s “you need to make a decision”
First acknowledge the kid’s power then can set the boundaries 
Children in charge of behavior. Adult in charge of consequences. 
Don’t hold what’s theirs 
Don’t let kids externalize their problems
Child should internalize their own difficulties
Learning vs realization (latter comes from child discovering on own)
Ask questions so child can discover correct behavior
Did that work for you?
Did the choices you made get the result you wanted?
Child must come to question “what must I do to alleviate this frustration?”
Ask questions that require reflection
What do you think you could do to make this more legible? When you did this did you go fast or slow? Which way would make better letters?

9 lion’s pride
Detailed consistent protocols
Therapeutic interaction system
Reduce stimulation and freedom with breaks
Break rooms should not be more interesting than the normal setting

Conclusion: setting them free
Interdependence and mutual recognition