A fellow parent recommended to me the book Raising Lions by Joe Newman. I just finished reading it and really enjoyed it. It was a very new perspective for me to read, and it made a lot of sense. It focused on an authoritarian, balanced, behaviorist approach to parenting and discipline. I loved all the very challenging scenarios it described and how they were resolved with the appropriate interventions/strategies. I can see a lot of situations even in normal contexts where these principles can apply. I definitely recommend this book to any parents of strong-willed kids. Below are my main notes and takeaways. I’m Intro
dealing with problem behaviors and children 1 the anatomy of a lion We are creating strong willed, self empowered lions and acting like lambs ourselves Lambs can’t raise lions Powerful people need powerful boundaries Power and connection determine mental health and need to be in balance Power is recognition of self, ability to take initiative based on own needs Connection is recognition of others, empathy Child centered rearing trends increased child power and reduced adult power and connection Shift from self discipline to self expression Child development Oneness when baby thinks parents do everything baby wants Omnipotence when realizes they are separate and need to control and test them Parents seem little compared to large child sphere Magnifies behavior problems Interdependence Third stage where both depend Large tension between parents and kids and similar size spheres Mutual recognition Around age 3 should transition The longer they stay in omnipotence the more problems they have later 2 the lion cub a toddler’s actions ask questions To learn there must be conflict. Most come up against the needs and desires of others. Can’t just have child live how they want and everyone else much lower priority Child trying to learn where he ends and others begin and who he has power over Must experience the frustrations of not getting what he wants Not about always having moments with pleasure Either they struggle now or they struggle more later Child goes through rapprochement: struggle then calm down then embrace and move towards interdependence Parent role changes from providing for all needs to coaching through struggles Two hands Child reaching hand forward yearning to contact another Parent hand action can be authoritarian (shaming, omnipotent) or permissive (abandoning) or authoritative/balanced/equal Meet the hand Firm hand with boundary and limit while acknowledging child I see you decided to do x when I told you that’s not allowed. When you ignore what I tell you, you’ll have to take a break and sit quietly for 2 minutes and then you can get up. Tell me when you’ve stopped crying so we can start the break. Need them to stop crying so they exercise self control. Don’t calm or try to help stop crying so they learn self regulation Actions lead to consequences you may not enjoy Don’t judge child. Just set firm boundary. Yes you have power but I have power too and more than you and you need to respect that. It’s ok to have a tantrum, probably means you need a nap, so let’s go to bedroom. And if child calms down then can continue calm Lions understand firm action. Reasoning fine but only when tied to firm action. Meet the hand Mutual recognition Too many breaks Need to increase how you meet child if grows or continues behavior Sometimes takes a lot which is fine Don’t just threaten Lions need schools with clear boundaries and enforced consequences 3 feeding candy to lions raising child on diet of emotional praise and deference and indulgence is like raising diabetic and feeding cake at every meal Too weak to digest life’s difficulties Too much recognition of child self supports omnipotence and weakens interdependence. Need balance between recognition of self and others. Too many choices Too much empowerment Sometimes won’t have choices in life Strengthens omnipotence Part of team where needs of many outweigh those of one Don’t always given choices for dinner He’s not the only one here Can’t change book halfway after choosing one already Have faith kid can survive disappointment and frustration of not getting what wants Give choices about some things but not others Choice between 2-3 options Sometimes no discussion or negotiation Choices are a privilege that can be taken away if don’t respect them I said I didn’t want to discuss this but you continued so now you need to take a 2 minute break Is your child’s opinion more important than yours We are the adults and should decide what’s right Communication More articulate children lead to adults trying to reason with them Not the right approach Action must come before reason Sometimes kids need less info Less talk more action Child assumed to have too much ethical ability Create consequences so what is right is in their self interest Demonstrate empathy for others versus just making kid say I’m sorry When kid takes someone else’s toy they need to take a break Then empathize with child once their break is done. I know breaks aren’t always that fun. Can’t take toys away from others Give immediate consequence of right magnitude Ask what they could’ve done differently to get what they wanted Tv is now off for a minute. If you do that again, it’ll be off for 5. Tell rule then give sharp consequences so they learn the rules No need to keep repeating or explaining rules especially obvious ones Problem with praise Reserve for moments when earned and use appropriately Warranted, specific, focused on effort Don’t praise intelligence Tell child when you think they could’ve done better Too much stimulation Too much and too early Antiauthoritarian generation Contempt for authority bad Parent as child best friend bad Embrace conflict Natural for child to want to try to make all decisions for unnatural for them to succeed Firmly assert your will while recognizing that of your child and not judging them Count down until time to transition Parents must be authority figures 4 out of control lions Medication overused Sometimes need to hold a child having a tantrum Do restraint calmly and without anger and not as punishment Child experiences lack of strong boundaries as abandonment Move the frustration from the adults to the child so they experience it when they stop getting accommodations and crutches Use language that indicates child fully understands and is capable of right behavior Passive tantrum Feigned inability or not understanding Evident in inconsistency in reading social cues and behaving right even in preferred activities 5 lion’s cage Child trapped in own behaviors when unchecked Extreme behaviors misdiagnosed as disorder Powerful and consistent boundaries and language that shows the child they have the power to act right Omnipotence Manipulative Oppositional and defiant Emotionally volatile Inability to accept correction, consequence, or direction or not being part of every decision Obsession with everything being fair Perfectionist tendencies Home without enough boundaries or structure or chaos creates problems Use language that shows kid can stop his tantrum Child must learn to internally process frustrations and difficulties Adult allow child to hold the struggles for himself If child having tantrum, just hold calmly and say disinterested let me know when done with tantrum so I can tell you how to get back to class Don’t verbally de-escalate a child because it robs child of chance to do it for himself Don’t teach child that they can have others handle his difficulties To get out of isolation, first sit quietly for 5 min while being held, then 5 min quietly not held, then 5 min outside room quietly, then 5 min doing work quietly Hold them now or hold them later Physical hold done carefully with compassion and without anger better than medication later Do nothing while holding or waiting near child in break chair Be calm and relaxed so child can mirror. Communicates faith and expectation that child will navigate the difficulty Wait out tantrums even for an hour Don’t fill the void waiting and faith 6 the language of lions Myth of not knowing Myth that children who misbehave don’t know it’s wrong or don’t know how to behave appropriately Adults explain things the child already knows which doesn’t help 3 bad behavior types: benign, malignant, impulsive Benign: leaves to go to bathroom when didn’t know rules Malignant: behavior child understands is wrong like throwing paper airplane at another child Impulsive: student calls out answer without raising hand because excited that knows answer; acts as a response to something and acts before thinking 5 response types from adults to bad behavior Information: just gives info Action: requires immediate action and consequence Ignoring/Accommodating: some behaviors minor enough to ignore if can see child realizes it was wrong Asking a question: Dana do you need to move to another seat? Asks student to make a choice Inappropriate response: yelling, sarcasm, threats, rhetorical questions, etc. Common mistake: give info to malignant behavior Giving action response is only correct behavior Give info only to benign behaviors Almost all problem behaviors are malignant. Benign super rare. Responding to a lion Make a response that takes away the motivation to keep doing it Stand up please. Have a seat in front of the group and sit quietly. After a few min can ask if ready to rejoin the group. Lecturing about behavior they know is wrong is condescending. Giving info responses invites manipulation or arguing Short reasonable consequences and no wasted time Words must be pared with action Toddlers need info to learn rules Use action plus info so they learn faster like small consequence Explain how choice leads to effect and explain how need to take a break if hit sibling Malignant behavior needs action Must be real consequences that are reasonable and administered without judgment Too much explaining is disrespectful Use action consequences 90% of the time and stop telling kids what they did wrong 5 min breaks as deterrent not punishment Bullying at school Not about lack of cognitive understanding Strong swift consequences that reduces social power Remove incentive to continue action Respond to bullying immediately with more action and less talk 15 rules Too many rules posted makes it seem like teacher doesn’t believe in kids common sense Give short non-judgmental consequence when bad behavior and little need for explanation Communicate that you think the kid is smart enough to understand the rules of the class. I have high expectation of your abilities. If you screw up, I won’t judge you or lecture you. I will administer brief consequence and you will adjust your behavior Dynamic of kids being on their toes Require child to move to another seat for a minute or more, focus desk near teacher, sit down if playing outside Turning off tv, leaving game room, forfeiting cell phone for an hour, taking 2 min break Impulsive behaviors 3 possible responses: Action, ignoring, accommodating Is behavior disruptive? If no, can ignore or accommodate If disruptive, do short action consequence Squirming in chair doesn’t need correcting Love is not needing to say I’m so sorry Don’t require an apology World operates by cause and effect not right and wrong Action consequences better to ensure bad behaviors don’t have reward Not sorry at all Writing standards a hundred times as punishment doesn’t help Not about misunderstanding Make consequences worse than rewards Stop commenting about or judging behavior. Just focus on actions and consequences and eliminate bad tone from your voice. Neutral action prompts. If too much criticism, develops negative self image Shifting identity Eliminate info responses for most bad behaviors. Ignore half the things you used to comment on. Give action consequences to behaviors you address. Follow through on all consequences. 7 lion training: straw that broke camel’s back method Instead of one big consequence after lots of bad behavior moments, give small consequences after each bad behavior Most immediate consequence is a short break If not listening then take 1 min break in room quietly. If won’t come when called, then take 2 min break farther away then 1 min break in room Consequences gradual and natural not punitive or excessive Neutral tone of coach not emotional tone of opponent Too much time spent at focus desk means student needs to complete missed class work during recess Explain cause and effect of consequences calmly Break is sitting quietly in chair. If crying, say let me know when you’re done crying and will start your break First child needs to regain control over self Chance for child to practice exercising self control Don’t spend break time explaining or comforting child. Should be quiet and boring. Just give short immediate break without explaining why. Kid knows why I need you to sit here quietly for 60 seconds Use short term consequences not long term ones like pizza party at end of week Don’t give delayed consequences 8 coaching lions: from opponent to coach Children resist when you try to get them to do something Soothing impulses of omnipotence Acknowledge their power Use language of choice and decisions they make Don’t let it get personal when administering consequences Shift from opponent to coach Never moralize to them Always do what you say you’ll do Verbal jiu jitzu Instead of meeting head to head, point in same direction and redirect Child says I want. You don’t say I won’t let you but instead say you can choose this or this Teach that World works by cause and effect That action leads to this and that action leads to this. The adult takes themself out of the process. Adult moves to side of child as coach Explain clear rules and be on side of child Instead of “you need to do what I say” it’s “you need to make a decision” First acknowledge the kid’s power then can set the boundaries Children in charge of behavior. Adult in charge of consequences. Don’t hold what’s theirs Don’t let kids externalize their problems Child should internalize their own difficulties Learning vs realization (latter comes from child discovering on own) Ask questions so child can discover correct behavior Did that work for you? Did the choices you made get the result you wanted? Child must come to question “what must I do to alleviate this frustration?” Ask questions that require reflection What do you think you could do to make this more legible? When you did this did you go fast or slow? Which way would make better letters? 9 lion’s pride Detailed consistent protocols Therapeutic interaction system Reduce stimulation and freedom with breaks Break rooms should not be more interesting than the normal setting Conclusion: setting them free Interdependence and mutual recognition
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