 A fellow parent recommended to me Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It by Jennifer Breheny Wallace, and I recently finished reading it. It was a concise and focused book, featuring many powerful examples and stories within it. I appreciated the core messages about mattering and the practical advice for chores and volunteer work. It's a delicate balancing act between challenging kids, helping them develop a strong work ethic, and supporting their mental health and enjoyment of life. This book offers a wealth of thoughtful advice on this topic. Below are some of my main notes and takeaways. Intro: running with their eyes closed
Professionalized childhood Mattering outside of performance 1 why kids at risk, life in pressure cooker 2 name it to tame it for parental anxiety Safeguarding kids Parents status seeking Individual safety nets 3 power of mattering; untangling self worth from achievement Need to be best Average excellence Attention Importance Dependence Ego extension Notes absence Appreciation Individuation Stop conditional regard Focus on work habits not grades Unstructured time Greet children with joy like puppy dog Physical affection Play time as family 4 you first: your child’s mattering depends on your own Not about sacrifices Prioritize yourselves Stop intensive parenting Put your friends in your calendar Meet with friends regularly Ask for help 5 taking kettle off heat and confronting grind culture Avoid narrow definition of success Adults sometimes need to set limits on too many classes Avoid materialistic or status goals Feeling like you matter on campus is more important than rankings Take pride in what you’re doing Deliberate rest Everything in moderation Balanced approach Less activities 6 envy and coping with competition Mattering to friends Having best friend Surface difficult emotions Loving kindness meditation Don’t compare to other kids Support connection with others not competition Worthy rival makes you better 7 greater expectations: adding value to the world protects them See broader role Family chores mandatory and useful Bolster child sense of mattering List of age appropriate chores Required weekly volunteering Better for others 8 ripple effect: unlocking mattering Abundance Respect of other adults in their life Resources Never worry alone Be a selfist Strive to be good enough not perfect Have a go to committee Make home a mattering haven Lead with what they are for lunch Schedule stressful conversations Sun afternoons Talk openly about values Look at your calendar Look at what spend money on Look at what you ask about Talk about difficult feelings Be balance keeper PDF: Playtime, downtime, family time daily Be energy efficient with your energy Tell failure stories and share your mistakes and self compassion Teach healthy interdependence Make chores mandatory Do your chores when kids there so they can help Widen their circle of caring Thank waiters Make volunteering mandatory Be a mattering spotter Nurture parent teacher relationships Be positive about your teachers Replace yourself Build council of parents List of several parents who child can call anytime Gratitude practice formal
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