Notes on Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute

It's not often that a book opens your eyes to a whole new way of seeing the world. The book Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute did exactly that for me, and I now understand why it's such a classic. I loved the story based on real people and all the specific details about how they learned their lessons and this framework for getting "out of the box" and seeing others as people and focusing on results. I also now more deeply understand some of Jerry Colonna's writing like in Reboot and some of his famous questions like, "how am I complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't desire?"

Making these changes and getting out of the box is hard work, but I now have some conception of what it takes and some of the ideas behind it so I can work towards that. Below are my main notes and takeaways. This one was short and sweet and likely worth another read sometime soon.

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Preface
Self deception blinds you to the problem
Sequel anatomy of peace book
Outward mindset book

Part 1 self deception and the box
Problem of when you can’t see the problem
Being in the box
Problem underneath other problems
People respond to how we are feeling about them
Do you see yourself as more important than others with needs you have and that others don’t
Do you see others as people or as objects
Knowing people's names
Behavior can be hard and direct but you can be out of the box when doing it and seeing others as people

Part 2 how we get in the box
Self betrayal
Act contrary to what I feel I should do for another
When I betray myself I begin to see the world and others in a way that justifies my self betrayal
When I see world in self justifying way, my view of reality becomes distorted
Inflate others’ faults
Inflate own virtue 
Minimize own faults
Inflate value of things that justify self betrayal
Blame
When I betray myself I enter the box
Over time certain boxes become characteristic of me, and I carry them with me
By being in the box I provoke others to be in the box
We provoke the behavior we say we don’t want
We seek the problems to be created around us to justify us
Collusion and mutual provocation 
Box lives on creating this collusion
In the box we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification; we collude in giving each other reason to stay in the box
Box undercuts results
What focus out of the box is results 
What focus in the box is justification 
Who focus out of the box is other people
Who focus in the box is myself
Germ theory of doctors that try to help people carrying germs that kill people

Part 3 how we get out of the box
Feeling the desire to be out of the box brings you out of the box
What doesn’t work in the box
Trying to change others
Trying to cope with others
Leaving because the box goes with you
Communicating with others because will end up communicating the box
Implementing new skills or techniques
Changing my behavior 
Self betrayal and box is metaphor for when I’m resisting someone
When should do something for someone else but then resist it
When stop resisting others or betraying self then get out of box
Can be in box towards some people and out of box towards others
Question your own virtue helps you get out of box
See and appreciate others as people
Be less judgmental of people
Do best you can in each moment
Do the best to help company achieve results is like going to help crying baby so partner can sleep
Don’t blame others
Can recognize others are a problem without blaming them or being in the box
Is your blaming helping others get better?
Claim responsibility for your mistakes and your contribution to others’ mistakes
Accountability system where focus is on each other and results
Deep responsibility taking and accountability not blame
Knowing the material
Self betrayal leads to self deception and the box
When you’re in the box you can’t focus on results
Influence and success will depend on being out of the box
You get out of the box as you cease resisting other people
Living the material
Don’t try to be perfect. Do try to be better
Don’t use the vocabulary the box with people who don’t know the material
Do use the principles in your own life
Don’t look for others’ boxes. Do look for your own. 
Don’t accuse others of being in the box. Do try to stay out of the fix yourself. 
Don’t give up on yourself when you discover yourself in the box. Do keep trying. 
Don’t deny that you’ve been in the box when you have been. Do apologize and keep trying to be more helpful to others in the future. 
Don’t focus on what others are doing wrong. Do focus on what you can do right and to help. 
Don’t worry whether others are helping you. Do worry whether you are helping others. 

Appendix
Book: the outward mindset
Book: anatomy of peace 
“As far as I’m concerned, the problem is me”
Self deception gap and inflated view of selves
Arbinger mindset assessment for organizations online for free
Horizontal alignment metric: how much you understand your peers and their objectives 
Reduce competing objectives and silos
Way of being change to mindset change
How to use at home and at work
Hiring and screening
Require applicants to read the book 
Have them share in interview what discoveries they made and discuss what they learned 
Leadership
Sharing with workers
Mandate everyone to read
Discussion groups at work
Bud meetings with new leaders
Give to family members 
Say Here’s a book to see how to deal with me when I’m really being a jerk
Conflict resolution
Influence period
See as people even those you think are wrong
Mediations
Accountability without blame 
Hold self accountable
Write apology to company 
Personal growth and development 
Coaching and therapy