![]() I just finished reading How To Raise Kids That Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting—From Tots to Teens by Melinda Moyer. I really liked it! The title initially made me think the book was all about kindness and kids' personality traits; what I realized is that the book instead is much broader and almost like a mini overall parenting tutorial, covering almost a dozen topics like siblings and screen time. I liked how it focused on validated scientific research for its conclusions and cited its sources. Even though I had read some of the books it mentioned, I still learned a lot and found that the book's structure made it very easy to learn and digest all the information. Below are some of my main notes and takeaways. Intro
Kindness Part 1 traits 1 “it’s all about me”: how to raise kids who aren’t overly selfish Being generous makes you happier and feel good Talk about, validate, and help kids manage emotions Open about own feelings and ask about others’ Create opportunities for kids to help Help around the house Volunteering Make expectations explicit Write list of family rules and have kids contribute Model kindness in everyday choices 2 “this is too hard”: how to raise kids who are ambitious and self motivated Grit and motivation Encourage kids to try new fun hard things Interest, practice, purpose, hope Kids pick one fun hard thing that requires deliberate practice and can’t quit in middle of season They have to pick the activity themselves Let kids quit at end of season or school year and pick something new Praise effort, not skill or smarts Growth mindset “Yet” Tie effort to outcome Teach strategies against procrastination Make boring task more fun by turning it into a game Break down big task into small steps Don’t rely too much on rewards Decreases intrinsic motivation 3 “you’re dumb and ugly”: how to raise kids who don’t bully and stand up for those who are bullied Bullying is repeated deliberate harassment or abuse Talk about bullying at home Authoritative parenting style best Explain it’s not about intention Don’t tease kids Ask questions about perspective taking to teach theory of mind Be kind to victim of bullying Teach your kid about anger Same for girls Label and discuss feelings SEAL Stop and strategize when to talk to other person and breathe Explain what didn’t like and what want Affirm, admit, recognize what each did Lock in friendship Know what to do when your kid is bullying Ask kid what happened Explain how actions bad Have them apologize Take action if kid being bullied Ask for details Collect documentation Don’t call other’s parents immediately Don’t tell child to fight back Take screenshot of evidence Block bully Talk to school staff Encourage school to fight bullying Tell admin about issue and have them conduct survey Social emotional learning programs help Mediation with victim doesn’t help 4 “I’m telling the truth dammit”: how to raise kids who won’t lie or swear, at least not when it matters Lying and swearing normal Identify causes and sources Praise kids for being honest React calmly, ask questions, and explain how words can hurt Explain what language ok in which contexts Discuss school language rules React calmly and emphasize importance of honesty Separate lie from misdeed or what they broke Explain natural consequences of lying and boy who cried wolf explain honesty and politeness like when guest in someone’s house Be open with kids about your life Ok to complain a bit to kids 5 “girls can’t do that”: how to raise kids who aren’t sexist Watch your language Labeling creates divisions and prejudice Refer to kids as people not just boys or girls Don’t highlight gender unnecessarily Avoid generic statements about all boys/girls Encourage cross gender friendships and interactions Arrange cross gender play dates Mixed gender sports teams Encourage kids to try other activities Rid home of stereotypes Don’t overdo gender clothes and colors and toys Discuss emotions with boys too Discuss science with daughter Have father share feelings Have mother not fret so much about appearance Discuss gender discrimination Talk to girls about sexism and feminism Use media as prompt to discuss Don’t admonish about gender comments. Ask questions and point out counterexamples. Tell kids your beliefs about feminism 6 “I’m perfect”: how to raise kids with healthy self esteem who aren’t narcissistic Self esteem vs narcissism What today’s parents get wrong Don’t overemphasize achievement and grades Focus also on kids’ kindness Show kids love and affection always Tell kids you love them for who they are not what they do Tell kids you love them no matter what Don’t withhold affection due to performance Autonomous support “I loved to watch you play” When they do something wrong, cool down and then connect Offer soft criticism. “I know you didn’t mean to…” Focus on the behavior not the child Move forward and offer ways for child to fix the problem. Brainstorm ideas with child. Set expectations before challenging situations and discuss what may go wrong and how to avoid Praise kids but be mindful of how Don’t give inflated praise like when not earned Praise for effort rather than ability Let your kids fail then reframe their failures Don’t protect from challenge or failure Don’t just help when kids struggle with homework Use word “yet” when kid can’t do something 7 “her skin looks dirty”; how to raise kids who aren’t racist Myth of colorblind parenting Educate self and reflect on privilege and bias Read books listed in book Explicitly discuss racism without shaming your kids Explain role of melanin Let kids experience and enjoy diversity Read books and watch movies with diverse characters Celebrate diversity instead of ignoring differences Talk to kids about racism and how to challenge it Part 2 strategies 8 “you can’t make me”: shaping behavior and values Authoritative parenting Parenting style Authoritarian bad Permissive bad Authoritative best Responsive but demanding It’s the kind of control that matters Talking about misbehavior Explaining expectations Using punishment as last resort Don’t use psychological control or manipulating kid feelings Time outs fine occasionally when warranted Privilege withdrawal ok sometimes too Respond to misbehavior with empathy and then guidance Why did my child act this way? What lesson do I want to teach in this moment? How and when to provide this lesson? Connect actions to consequences on others If you use time outs, use them right Need to also have enough time ins or positive times where time out is temporary removal from that Consequences and punishment after warning and explanation Initiate timeout calmly and smoothly Withhold attention even if in same place Model healthy emotional behavior Do anything that takes your attention away from losing it so you can stay calm 9 “I hate my brother”: helping siblings get along Teach kids to consider sibling feelings See it your way, see it my way Ask each kid what you think the other is thinking in an annoying situation then ask each kid what really thinking Teach how to Engage in perspective taking Tell your kids you want them to get along with each other Don’t compare your kids Don’t give compliments that are comparing kids Try for equality but go for fair Explain rationale for fairness to each kid Explain how you love each kid individually Don’t force kids to share on your timeline Self regulated turns Acknowledge waiting child’s feelings Box of special possessions each never has to share Turns reset at bedtime Be a mediator not an arbitrator Help kids answer questions themselves Lay down ground rules while issue being resolved like temporarily removing toy Ask each to describe what happened Ask each child to repeat what other said Help them brainstorm solutions to the problem Stop, think (see it my way, see it your way), and talk Validate rather than stop feelings 10 “where’s the iPad”: managing screens, games Wait until 8th grade for phone Checklist of questions before getting phone Try family shared phone first Dumb phone with no apps first Don’t monitor. Mentor Enjoy screens. Not too much. Mostly with others. Create a digital roadmap for your family Family meeting Screen time curfew Central charging hub outside bedrooms Limits on where can be used Who will monitor and how Who will research content Rules for using shared things like TV Rules around sharing photos Teach kids about privacy Common sense resources on data privacy Ask kids permission before posting about them to show example and ask consent Put down your phone Times without screens when with kids Explain why using phone when with kids 11 “when I touch it it gets bigger”: talking about sex and porn Open and honest convos about relationships Can’t rely on schools to teach Talk about it all: body parts, stereotypes, etc. Kids in charge of own bodies and no one else Use real parts names Teach need consent Ask kids for consent when you touch them as example Advise kids to tell you if someone touches them or asks them to keep secret Explain about knocking before bathroom and privacy Explain about harassment Answer questions honestly and briefly and don’t work if you mess up Book: it’s not the stork and others by same author (also the book “it’s so amazing”) Ask them for what they know or what they think Teach topics a bit at a time not all at once Ok not to share everything and keep stuff private Explain the topics deserve seriousness and respect Older kids Talk about consent Brainstorm ways for girls to say no or get out of undesired situations Tell white lie Teach boys to regularly check in with girl to make sure ok Talk to kids about love and emotional connections Talk to kids about sexting and porn Book “it’s so amazing” Explain some things online are weird or unrealistic or confusing and meant just for grownups and best to not search for it and to find grownup if see anything that’s strange and won’t get in trouble Activate content restrictions on devices Explain porn is unrealistic like cartoons Body parts also not natural Explain to delete sexts and find adult Epilogue Hard to use right skills when tired or hungry Talk about feelings and choices Explain reasoning behind choices Try to show compassion and make connections to them and world at large
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
July 2024
Categories
All
Subscribe |