Notes on How To Raise Kids That Aren’t Assholes by Melinda Moyer

I just finished reading How To Raise Kids That Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting—From Tots to Teens by Melinda Moyer. I really liked it! The title initially made me think the book was all about kindness and kids' personality traits; what I realized is that the book instead is much broader and almost like a mini overall parenting tutorial, covering almost a dozen topics like siblings and screen time. I liked how it focused on validated scientific research for its conclusions and cited its sources. Even though I had read some of the books it mentioned, I still learned a lot and found that the book's structure made it very easy to learn and digest all the information.

Below are some of my main notes and takeaways.

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​Intro
Kindness

Part 1 traits

1 “it’s all about me”: how to raise kids who aren’t overly selfish
Being generous makes you happier and feel good
Talk about, validate, and help kids manage emotions
Open about own feelings and ask about others’
Create opportunities for kids to help
Help around the house
Volunteering
Make expectations explicit
Write list of family rules and have kids contribute
Model kindness in everyday choices

2 “this is too hard”: how to raise kids who are ambitious and self motivated
Grit and motivation 
Encourage kids to try new fun hard things 
Interest, practice, purpose, hope
Kids pick one fun hard thing that requires deliberate practice and can’t quit in middle of season
They have to pick the activity themselves
Let kids quit at end of season or school year and pick something new
Praise effort, not skill or smarts
Growth mindset
“Yet”
Tie effort to outcome
Teach strategies against procrastination 
Make boring task more fun by turning it into a game
Break down big task into small steps
Don’t rely too much on rewards
Decreases intrinsic motivation 

3 “you’re dumb and ugly”: how to raise kids who don’t bully and stand up for those who are bullied
Bullying is repeated deliberate harassment or abuse
Talk about bullying at home
Authoritative parenting style best
Explain it’s not about intention
Don’t tease kids
Ask questions about perspective taking to teach theory of mind
Be kind to victim of bullying
Teach your kid about anger
Same for girls
Label and discuss feelings
SEAL
Stop and strategize when to talk to other person and breathe
Explain what didn’t like and what want
Affirm, admit, recognize what each did
Lock in friendship
Know what to do when your kid is bullying
Ask kid what happened
Explain how actions bad
Have them apologize
Take action if kid being bullied
Ask for details
Collect documentation
Don’t call other’s parents immediately 
Don’t tell child to fight back
Take screenshot of evidence
Block bully
Talk to school staff
Encourage school to fight bullying
Tell admin about issue and have them conduct survey
Social emotional learning programs help
Mediation with victim doesn’t help

4 “I’m telling the truth dammit”: how to raise kids who won’t lie or swear, at least not when it matters
Lying and swearing normal
Identify causes and sources
Praise kids for being honest
React calmly, ask questions, and explain how words can hurt
Explain what language ok in which contexts
Discuss school language rules
React calmly and emphasize importance of honesty
Separate lie from misdeed or what they broke
Explain natural consequences of lying and boy who cried wolf
explain honesty and politeness like when guest in someone’s house
Be open with kids about your life
Ok to complain a bit to kids

5 “girls can’t do that”: how to raise kids who aren’t sexist
Watch your language
Labeling creates divisions and prejudice 
Refer to kids as people not just boys or girls
Don’t highlight gender unnecessarily 
Avoid generic statements about all boys/girls
Encourage cross gender friendships and interactions 
Arrange cross gender play dates
Mixed gender sports teams
Encourage kids to try other activities
Rid home of stereotypes
Don’t overdo gender clothes and colors and toys
Discuss emotions with boys too
Discuss science with daughter
Have father share feelings
Have mother not fret so much about appearance
Discuss gender discrimination 
Talk to girls about sexism and feminism
Use media as prompt to discuss
Don’t admonish about gender comments. Ask questions and point out counterexamples. 
Tell kids your beliefs about feminism 

6 “I’m perfect”: how to raise kids with healthy self esteem who aren’t narcissistic
Self esteem vs narcissism
What today’s parents get wrong
Don’t overemphasize achievement and grades 
Focus also on kids’ kindness
Show kids love and affection always
Tell kids you love them for who they are not what they do
Tell kids you love them no matter what
Don’t withhold affection due to performance 
Autonomous support
“I loved to watch you play”
When they do something wrong, cool down and then connect
Offer soft criticism. “I know you didn’t mean to…”
Focus on the behavior not the child
Move forward and offer ways for child to fix the problem. Brainstorm ideas with child. 
Set expectations before challenging situations and discuss what may go wrong and how to avoid 
Praise kids but be mindful of how
Don’t give inflated praise like when not earned
Praise for effort rather than ability
Let your kids fail then reframe their failures
Don’t protect from challenge or failure
Don’t just help when kids struggle with homework
Use word “yet” when kid can’t do something

7 “her skin looks dirty”; how to raise kids who aren’t racist
Myth of colorblind parenting
Educate self and reflect on privilege and bias
Read books listed in book
Explicitly discuss racism without shaming your kids
Explain role of melanin
Let kids experience and enjoy diversity
Read books and watch movies with diverse characters
Celebrate diversity instead of ignoring differences 
Talk to kids about racism and how to challenge it

Part 2 strategies 

8 “you can’t make me”: shaping behavior and values
Authoritative parenting
Parenting style
Authoritarian bad
Permissive bad
Authoritative best 
Responsive but demanding
It’s the kind of control that matters
Talking about misbehavior
Explaining expectations
Using punishment as last resort
Don’t use psychological control or manipulating kid feelings
Time outs fine occasionally when warranted
Privilege withdrawal ok sometimes too
Respond to misbehavior with empathy and then guidance
Why did my child act this way?
What lesson do I want to teach in this moment?
How and when to provide this lesson?
Connect actions to consequences on others
If you use time outs, use them right
Need to also have enough time ins or positive times where time out is temporary removal from that
Consequences and punishment after warning and explanation
Initiate timeout calmly and smoothly
Withhold attention even if in same place
Model healthy emotional behavior
Do anything that takes your attention away from losing it so you can stay calm

9 “I hate my brother”: helping siblings get along
Teach kids to consider sibling feelings
See it your way, see it my way
Ask each kid what you think the other is thinking in an annoying situation then ask each kid what really thinking
Teach how to Engage in perspective taking 
Tell your kids you want them to get along with each other 
Don’t compare your kids
Don’t give compliments that are comparing kids
Try for equality but go for fair
Explain rationale for fairness to each kid
Explain how you love each kid individually 
Don’t force kids to share on your timeline
Self regulated turns
Acknowledge waiting child’s feelings
Box of special possessions each never has to share
Turns reset at bedtime
Be a mediator not an arbitrator 
Help kids answer questions themselves
Lay down ground rules while issue being resolved like temporarily removing toy
Ask each to describe what happened
Ask each child to repeat what other said
Help them brainstorm solutions to the problem
Stop, think (see it my way, see it your way), and talk
Validate rather than stop feelings

10 “where’s the iPad”: managing screens, games
Wait until 8th grade for phone
Checklist of questions before getting phone
Try family shared phone first
Dumb phone with no apps first
Don’t monitor. Mentor
Enjoy screens. Not too much. Mostly with others. 
Create a digital roadmap for your family
Family meeting
Screen time curfew
Central charging hub outside bedrooms
Limits on where can be used
Who will monitor and how
Who will research content
Rules for using shared things like TV
Rules around sharing photos 
Teach kids about privacy
Common sense resources on data privacy 
Ask kids permission before posting about them to show example and ask consent
Put down your phone
Times without screens when with kids
Explain why using phone when with kids

11 “when I touch it it gets bigger”: talking about sex and porn
Open and honest convos about relationships
Can’t rely on schools to teach
Talk about it all: body parts, stereotypes, etc.
Kids in charge of own bodies and no one else
Use real parts names
Teach need consent
Ask kids for consent when you touch them as example
Advise kids to tell you if someone touches them or asks them to keep secret
Explain about knocking before bathroom and privacy 
Explain about harassment 
Answer questions honestly and briefly and don’t work if you mess up
Book: it’s not the stork and others by same author (also the book “it’s so amazing”)
Ask them for what they know or what they think
Teach topics a bit at a time not all at once
Ok not to share everything and keep stuff private
Explain the topics deserve seriousness and respect
Older kids
Talk about consent
Brainstorm ways for girls to say no or get out of undesired situations
Tell white lie
Teach boys to regularly check in with girl to make sure ok
Talk to kids about love and emotional connections
Talk to kids about sexting and porn
Book “it’s so amazing”
Explain some things online are weird or unrealistic or confusing and meant just for grownups and best to not search for it and to find grownup if see anything that’s strange and won’t get in trouble
Activate content restrictions on devices
Explain porn is unrealistic like cartoons
Body parts also not natural
Explain to delete sexts and find adult

Epilogue
Hard to use right skills when tired or hungry
Talk about feelings and choices
Explain reasoning behind choices
Try to show compassion and make connections to them and world at large