Notes on Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy

I recently finished reading the book Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Dr. Becky Kennedy. I really, really enjoyed it. It covered so many different aspects of parenting all in one place and combined lots of scientifically-backed advice. The overall perspective of "this is a good kid having a hard time" is super useful and underlies everything.

I think this is one of the top 10 best parenting books I've read in the past decade. Below are my main notes and takeaways.

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​Introduction
Behavior as clue to struggle in family system
Behavior as tip of iceberg of child world begging to be understood
Focus on connection
Firm boundaries

Part 1 parenting principles

1 good inside
Internal goodness
Curious about why of behaviors
Differentiate from who is to who does
What is most generous interpretation of behavior

2 two things are true
Can be fun and firm
Understanding as goal for communication 
Good kid/parent having a hard time
Separate behaviors from identity

3 know your job
Kids should not dictate boundaries
Parents should not dictate feelings
Boundaries
Validation
Empathy
Kids want to feel seen
Parent containment of big feelings
Kids job to explore and learn

4 the early years matter
Attachment theory
Child needs to feel safe sharing feelings
Responsiveness
Warmth
Predictability
Secure base

5 it’s not too late
Never too late
Brain can rewire 
Repair and connection

6 resilience greater than happiness
Anxiety is intolerance of discomfort
Connect and empathize
Teach that distress is part of life
 
7 behavior is a window
Window into feelings of a person
Just forcing behavioral compliance kills relationship
What’s most generous interpretation of child behavior
Increase ongoing 1:1 attention outside tough moments

8 reduce shame, increase connection 
Shame detection and reduction
Refusal to apologize is example of shame
Take a pause
Focus on reducing shame
It’s hard to find your I’m sorry voice. Then you say I’m sorry. Just trust that this sank in. Explain that apologizing is tough. Act out with stuffed animals. 
Connection first
Connection not about approval

9 tell the truth
Clear honest direct info
Kids notice things 
Child needs to believe in their feelings
Narrate what feels scary for them
Honoring your child’s question 
Labeling what we don’t know

10 self care
Deep breathing
Acknowledge, validate, permit thoughts and feelings of your own
I’m allowed to have things for myself even if they inconvenience others
Repair with yourself

Part 2 building connection and addressing behavior

11 building connection capital
First and establish connection before fixing behavior
Deposits into bank
Connect when you’re calm
Play no phone do not disturb time
Let child direct the play
Give name to indicate special time
10-15 min
Child in spotlight
Tell child phone put away
Describe what child does
Mirror what child does
Fill up game
Show where kid filled up with parent time
Kid needs more of parent attention 
Can I fill everyone up with dad 
How high up are you filled up
Give hugs and squeezes
Do it before separation
Do it in morning
In response to difficult behavior
Emotional vaccination
Prepare for emotional struggles ahead
Connect
Validate 
Dissipate
Infuse connection before situation happens
Take deep breath and practice what it will feel like to end screen time
That sounds really hard
Add silliness and playfulness 
Making up songs
Building a fort
Did I ever tell you about the time
Tell child when you had the same struggle
Repair
Acknowledge
Say you’ve been reflecting
Apologize
Show you see how it impacted the other person
Say what will do better next time

12 not listening
Lack of cooperation is a sign of poor relationship
Spend more time and make child feel seen
Connect before you ask
Give child a choice
Humor
I’m going to close my eyes and when I open if there’s a kid with shoes on I’m going to just explode and roll around on floor
Role reversal game where parent has to listen to child as you do morning routine and empathize with other role

13 emotional tantrums
Child can’t manage the emotional demands of a situation
Infuse our presence so they can regulate
Remind yourself of your own goodness
I’m in charge and said no. You’re in charge of your feelings. 
Name the wish underneath the child’s meltdown
You’re as big upset as this whole room

14 aggressive tantrums
Goal is containment
“I won’t let you”
Must physically follow up
Not about getting rid of the urge to hit but about not hitting
Carry child to small safe room
Sit in room with them
Focus and take big breaths
Personify the feelings
Revisit and explain tantrum
Repeat I love you you’re a good kid having a hard time

15 sibling rivalry
Birth order
Dedicated alone time for each kid with parent
Not about fair but individual needs
Each child should look inward for what they need
Can vent to parent alone but not in front of other kid
No harsh words or teasing each other
Slow down and narrate
Separate kids when needed

16 rudeness and defiance
Don’t take the bait
Don’t take words as truth
Meet rudeness with empathy
Provide generous interpretation
Embody your authority

17 whining
Whining when kids feel helpless
Restate request in your own voice
Throw the whines out the window

18 lying
Line with fantasy blurry
Kids should see you as safe adult
Reframe lie as wish 

19 fears and anxiety
Less logic and more connection
Ask to learn more about their experience
Jump into the hole of discomfort with the kid
Dry runs do difficult situations
Act out with stuffed animals
Ask more and tell less
Validate that their fear makes sense
Engage child to problem solve with you
I wonder
I’m thinking about
Create a mantra
Share how you coped slowly with fear

20 hesitation and shyness
Knowing how you feel and doing what you feel is right
Confidence is knowing when you’re ready
You’ll know when you’re ready to
Preparation and advance warnings of who will be there
Avoid labels for kids

21 frustration intolerance
Embrace mistakes and challenges
Frame frustration as part of learning
Mantra
Growth mindset phrases
Coping not success
I can do hard things
Dry runs
Emotional vaccination
Did I ever tell you

22 food and eating habits
Parents decide what to offer
Kids decide how much and if to eat
Parents decide what where and when
Minimizing anxiety around food is more important than consumption of food
Can serve dessert with dinner at same time
Or serve dessert as afternoon snack

23 consent
Kid is in charge of own body and not responsible for others’ feelings
Support consent vs self doubt
I believe you. Thank you for telling me
You’re the only one in your body
There’s something about x that doesn’t feel good to you

24 tears
Don’t shame kids
Bodies never lie
Sometimes our body knows things our mind doesn’t understand yet
What do you think tears tell us
Did you know tears release stress from our bodies

25 building confidence
Confidence is being ok with who you are and trusting yourself
Owning your feeling
Don’t invalidate the feeling
Don’t convince child to feel different from how they do
Lead with validation
Something about soccer feels tricky right now huh
How do you think about x
Focus more on inside stuff vs outside accomplishments
It’s ok to feel this way
You really know how you’re feeling

26 perfectionism
Emotion regulation struggle
Tying behavior or results to identity isn’t good
First need awareness of perfectionism
Make your own mistakes and model how you deal with it
Tell the story of the feeling underneath
Stuffed animal play
Speak to your perfect voice and draw it
Manage your perfectionist
Make not knowing a win
Make game out of making errors

27 separation anxiety
Internalize something from parent to access when parent absent
Transitional object
Check in with your own anxiety
Talk about separation and feelings
Show photos of where child going
Practice good bye routine

28 sleep
Help kids feel safe
Develop coping skills during day
Explain where you are in house while kids sleep
Practice bedtime routine with stuffed animal
Drawing of parent left in room
Mantras: parent is near, kid is safe, my bed is cozy
This will end. There will be a time when child can sleep. I can cope with this. 
Gradual separation of distance quietly
Comfort button where can record message from you and kid can listen

29 kids who don’t like talking about feelings
Nothing wrong with child or you
Deeply feeling kids
Move from blame to curiosity
Containment first
Be present and wait it out
I have a good kid having a hard time
Ask kid to show thumbs up down or to the side
First say ridiculous idea to get thumbs down and laugh

Conclusion
We have to feel good inside to be able to teach
What you did before is different from who you are