Notes on Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen by Michelle Icard

I recently finished a very practical parenting book: ​Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School by Michelle Icard. I loved how it had exact words and example scripts for lots of situations, including some potentially awkward/tricky ones.

I appreciated the look ahead at what might come in the future as kids grow up, and the potential pitfalls to watch for. This is a very useful book for any parent of a kid around 10+.

Below are my main notes and takeaways.

---

Intro
Walls: Sleep, autonomy, unconditional love, dignity

Part 1 getting ready to talk

1 time to learn a new language
Tweens need to assert their independence 
Brief
Begin peacefully
Relate
Interview
Echo what hearing
Feedback
Begin peacefully
I saw report cards came out and weren’t as expected. When can we debrief?
Relate to child
Empathize 
It’s tough when you x
I’m sure you feel x
I remember when this happened to me
Interview to collect data
3 sides to story: yours, mine, and the truth
Ask questions neutrally
Detached
Echo what you’re hearing
It sounds like x
I’m hearing z
Am I right that you feel x
Feedback
When you offer guidance or rules
Ask if open to feedback
I appreciate that you tried x but you will get better results through y so next time I expect you to let me know right away so I can help you 
Are you open to hearing my thoughts
Quickly change topic to something else more fun

2 new bag of tricks
Become an assistant manager
Prefrontal cortex on break for a decade
Assistant manager needs to help the manager
Don’t micro manage
How can I support you? What do you need to be successful in this?
I’m here to listen while you think this through. Would you like some feedback on this?
Can I help you talk through your options?
Put on your Botox brow
Teens can’t read facial expressions as well yet
They can misinterpret your brow as anger
Pretend you can’t move your forehead at all
Look emotionless
Neutral face
Master the art of playing dumb
Get curious and ask probing questions 
How would that work
Could anything go wrong
How would that feel
Appear disinterested
I want to hear about your new project but I’m busy now so let me send some emails then you can tell me
Avoid the ambush
Kids need time to decompress after school
Ask to catch up with them at later time or offer choice of times
Take your time
Hmm I’m not even sure how to respond to that
I’m going to give a lot of thought to the consequence of this and get back to you
Multitask
Talk in car with no eye contact
Talk while biking and cooking together
Don’t talk at all
Text or letters
Trade spiral notebook
Designate a proxy
Ask trusted friends to cover some topics

3 conversation crashers
Don’t jump in too quickly
Dip toe in pool slowly first
Don’t make assumptions about how they felt or will feel
Don’t be vague
Give specific metrics and stats
Don’t talk in absolutes
Avoid always never
Don’t be indirect about what you need
Ask for what you want
Don’t make empty threats
Better unblinking pause and whisper to show serious
Don’t be passive aggressive
Say how you feel honestly
Don’t stop explaining if the message wasn’t clear
Don’t be afraid to set boundaries
Don’t be tricked into proving yourself
Don’t make yourself the center of the story
Just say that sounds painful
Don’t use hyperbole
Don’t drag it out

Part 2 fourteen conversations 

4 talking about your parent child relationship
Reintroduce yourself as person with real interests and talents to build bond with teen
Kids want you to be curious about them but not dependent on them
Don’t share to scare or impress or manipulate 
Share your values and memories
Say they’re now a young adult and you’re their assistant manager to help them think through stuff but you’re still in charge of their safety
What do you think will be your first job
What do friends like about our house or you like about theirs
What song are kids getting make excited to hear
When we’ve had argument do you prefer to talk about it right away or a little later
When I need you to do something do you want me to tell you or write it down

5 talking about independence
Practice leads to maturity
Isolation vs exploration
Adolescents need to cocoon
If you want private time in your room, spend time once a month as family and eat dinner together and maintain grades and extracurriculars and contribute to house 10 min per day
Go over safety stuff before they go to mall alone and agree on check in cadence
Agree on secret message to be saved like sending what’s for dinner and getting back an excuse to get picked up early if don’t feel comfortable with something 
Preparation milestones to show you’re ready and can get help yourself and can be independent 

6 talking about changing friendships
Ups and downs in friendships
Their friends are their choice
No pressure to have one best friend
Teach to be open to meeting new people
Treat everyone with dignity 

7 talking about creativity
Early entrepreneurial endeavors
Let kids start businesses
Practice brainstorming

8 talking about taking care of yourself
Please multiple deodorants throughout house and car so readily available
Have kid Make list of ten things they can do to make them feel happy. Try this first list. Have them do one thing from the list for 20 min. 
Have child learn to self regulate for food
Explain how brain needs time to recharge and grow while sleeping
If need layer bedtime can try two nights per week for a couple weeks and see if any negative results
Inquisitive approach about hearing about vaping and the negative effects
Pretend like you’re talking to someone else’s child about a sensitive issue
Bring up characters outside the family or from a show so it’s not about the kid

9 talking about fairness
Give each kid what they need to succeed
Active listening
Empathy
Rapport
Behavioral change
Behavior intervention stairway model
Try plan for a week then iterate
Set reasonable related and private consequences

10 talking about technology
Discuss rules and values
Tell kids to tell you if they see photos of people with private parts open and you won’t be mad

11 talking about criticism
Teach constructive versus destructive criticism
Explain that someone’s feedback doesn’t mean it’s true and they can decide what to do
Try new activities to find new friends
Ask what has helped you before when you faced tough situations 

12 talking about hard work
Encourage and value effort
Celebrate accomplishments and hard work
Do hard work side by side
Discuss roses and thorns
Explain different types of motivation

13 talking about money
Explain the emotional side
Explain average salaries and costs
Don’t buy everything they want
Put items on wishlist to save for
Practice gratitude
Express it yourself
Gratitude jar
Write down required wait times based on purchase amount
Explain branding and advertising and how they trick you
Track spending for a month
Explain how to prolong the fun
Teach to ask about return policies
Show how trips to mall food court add up 
Lean heavily on how they spend is their choice and power but explain some drawbacks and risks
Teach them to not pay attention to how others spend or their choices

14 talking about physical relationships
Explain online videos not real and lead to unhealthy feelings and can pop up by accident 
Explain dating rules and how need to balance with other things 
In middle school just during day and lit places like mall or mini golf but not movies and need a parent nearby and nothing beyond kissing or hugging
Quickly switch subjects after into something logistical
Explain consent
Explain about respecting personal property
Explain about reactions of others to clothes someone chooses to wear 

15 talking about reputations
Talk about how reputations built
Talk about impact of lying
When your kids world gets too big then make it smaller
Explain danger of sending body photos
Should never ask and never send
Explain blackmail

16 talking about impulsivity 
Encourage critical thinking without shame
Talk about how different people make decisions
Explain guilt vs shame (doing vs being)
Talk about inability to delay gratification vs desire for new experience
Teach to delay your reaction by 10 seconds and consider it
Work on a list of questions to ask yourself before making permanent risky decision
Limit access to people who encourage bad behavior
Get them involved in fun activities to take risks safely
Model fun
Ask kid to tell you what to do
Practice brainstorming worst case scenarios
Walk me through what you were feeling when this happened
Teach to slow down and consider outcomes

17 talking about helping others
Speak to child with empathy
Helping, sharing, comforting

Now what
Show you’re non judgmental and interested in their thoughts
Mantra: oh well
Keep practicing

Appendix conversation prompts