Notes on 10 to 25 by David Yeager

A friend recently recommended the book 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People: A Groundbreaking Approach to Leading the Next Generation―And Making Your Own Life Easier by David Yeager. I just finished reading it and loved it. I cried at several moments from the tear-jerking, moving stories in the book and learned many things about how to be a good mentor.

I liked how the author built on and described in detail the scientific research that underlies many of the book's concepts. While most of the stories focused on education, there were many good examples of corporate and even home situations where the book's recommendations could be put to use.

The main concept is that there are three mindsets (enforcer, protector, and mentor), and most people fall into the trap of only considering enforcer vs. protector, unaware that there's a third, better way.

I strongly recommend this book for any educator, parent, or manager/leader of younger people. Below are my main notes and takeaways.

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Intro
Mentor’s dilemma: hard to criticize and give constructive feedback at same time because criticism can crush their confidence 
Complement sandwich ineffective
Wise feedback. Accompany feedback with clear and transparent statement about why giving that feedback 
I’m giving you these comments because I have high standards and I know that you can reach them
Young people crave status and respect
Challenge and safety
High standards and high support

Section 1 understanding 10 to 25 year olds

1 what we get wrong
Adolescents don’t want to be told what to do and obey
Anti smoking and anti bullying campaigns back fire
Teens not neurologically deficient or dumb. Need to approach differently. 
Rite of passage ceremony
Need to replace bad behavior with something better
Must give teens route to status and respect
Parental nagging counter productive
Incompetence model not accurate
Grownsplaining
Don’t just appeal to your own authority
Ask don’t tell teens what to do
Show respect to kids
Validate their feelings
Presume agency of young person
Testosterone increases attunement to status and respect
Collaborative troubleshooting with teens

2 the mentor mindset
Mentor dilemma 
New hire predicament
Enforcement of standards vs protecting from stress
High expectations plus support
Enforcer, protector, mentor
Authoritarian, passive, authoritative
Warm demanders
Teens want to earn respect
Presume positive intent

3 generational divide
I care about you too much to not have high standards
Alliance with mentor. Treaty

4 acquiring mentor mindset
Collaborative troubleshooting

Section 2 mentor mindset practices

5 transparency
Announce benevolent intent upfront
Transparency statement
Wise feedback note
Explain the intent is to help the person grow
Clear and short transparency statement about your intention 

6 questioning
Better to ask than tell
Can you tell me what you needed in that moment
Plan for future to prevent problems together with child
Do over
Discuss what each needs and work it out together independently
Stop compulsion to tell
Better to show than tell
Authentic question with uptake and incorporating info from the answer 
Intent is to the use the answer collaboratively to solve problems
Provide high support
Don’t threaten status
Mirroring: repeat last 3 words they said as a question
Repeat wrong answer as question
Develop coach in the head skill
6 Lorena Questions for kid 
What does this mean to you
How is that meaning making you feel
Is that serving your goals
What’s something else that it can mean
How would it make you feel if you thought that instead
Would that serve your goals

7 stress
“Stress is debilitating” belief makes people be protectors
Not a bad thing to avoid
Untrue and unhelpful
Better to push through difficult things
“Stress can be enhancing” belief
Stress as positive resource 
Embrace stress and resilience
Kids need to learn to persist
Maintain final project and intellectual rigor while being accommodating on daily logistics
Subjective interpretation of situation changes how you view the stress
Threat vs challenge
If you appraise you have sufficient resources to meet a demand, it’s a positive challenge response
Stress can actually be enhancing
Synergistic mindsets
Growth mindset
Stress enhancing belief
Both beliefs synergistic
Validate and reframe
Come up with external reason for stress to justify and not blame person
Complement young person for their stress as sign that they care
Seek to understand
Offer to collaborate

8 purpose
Reasons for why the learning and info matters
Short term and long term self interest
Communicate “you are needed”
Norm of self interest
People just appear this way to match norm they perceive
Give social reward for healthy eating
Leverage youth caring about autonomy, status, respect, and social issues
Mix of motives best
Don’t cause anxiety

9 belonging
Belief in possibility for change and improvement
People can change idea can reduce bullying
Change is possible

Section 3 building a better future

10 inclusive excellence
Pragmatic means to achieve better outcomes for all
Maintain standards while providing supports

11 future growth part 1
Encourage habits and ideas that will stay with the recipient for long run
Give players a coach in the head
Mentoring for future growth
Teach skills for long term
Watch where people walk
Pay attention to entrances
Plan for future growth

12 future growth part 2
Kids need to reflect on lessons learned for long term for their identity

Coda
Struggles are normal
Can ask for do over